Amber's First Stepping Stone
 Posted: Thu Jun 16, 2011 12:44 pm
Posted: Thu Jun 16, 2011 12:44 pmI've written a journal here before but it wasn't because of the 14 day program.  So here I go afresh and anew   .  Today I feel numb, depressed, scared...I'm struggling in life.  I'm struggling mentally, physically, spiritually and financially.  Some days it seems there is just no hope.  About 2 months ago my husband, whom I loved with everything in me, walked out.  I had no idea it was coming.  I was devastated.  From that point on I've wondered what I had done so horribly wrong in my life that the Lord would bring a loving, christian man into my life just to take him out again.  I blame myself.  I've not been a good christian.  I've doubted the Lord, doubted my faith, doubted myself.  Not just in that situation by all my life.  I was raised by wonderful christian parents and was raised in church.  I've memorized bible versus, sang in the church choir, helped with the youth, taught classes.  Don't get me wrong, I love the Lord and I'm grateful for the many blessings he's blessed me with and I believe he died on the cross for my sin.  My doubts stem from not having enough faith that he will handle things for me.  I'm scared I've done way too many bad things in my life and every bad thing that happens to me happens because of my actions.  I know that may sound crazy to some, especially coming from a christian.  I just seems when my life is going great and I'm happy, there's ALWAYS something that happens eventually to bring me back down.  I'm pretty sure the devil has a hand in that but maybe the Lord is punishing me for my fears or my doubts.  I don't know.  I just hope and pray these 14 steps will help me get my faith and hope back again.  I know with the Lord's help ANYTHING is possible.
.  Today I feel numb, depressed, scared...I'm struggling in life.  I'm struggling mentally, physically, spiritually and financially.  Some days it seems there is just no hope.  About 2 months ago my husband, whom I loved with everything in me, walked out.  I had no idea it was coming.  I was devastated.  From that point on I've wondered what I had done so horribly wrong in my life that the Lord would bring a loving, christian man into my life just to take him out again.  I blame myself.  I've not been a good christian.  I've doubted the Lord, doubted my faith, doubted myself.  Not just in that situation by all my life.  I was raised by wonderful christian parents and was raised in church.  I've memorized bible versus, sang in the church choir, helped with the youth, taught classes.  Don't get me wrong, I love the Lord and I'm grateful for the many blessings he's blessed me with and I believe he died on the cross for my sin.  My doubts stem from not having enough faith that he will handle things for me.  I'm scared I've done way too many bad things in my life and every bad thing that happens to me happens because of my actions.  I know that may sound crazy to some, especially coming from a christian.  I just seems when my life is going great and I'm happy, there's ALWAYS something that happens eventually to bring me back down.  I'm pretty sure the devil has a hand in that but maybe the Lord is punishing me for my fears or my doubts.  I don't know.  I just hope and pray these 14 steps will help me get my faith and hope back again.  I know with the Lord's help ANYTHING is possible.
			 .  Today I feel numb, depressed, scared...I'm struggling in life.  I'm struggling mentally, physically, spiritually and financially.  Some days it seems there is just no hope.  About 2 months ago my husband, whom I loved with everything in me, walked out.  I had no idea it was coming.  I was devastated.  From that point on I've wondered what I had done so horribly wrong in my life that the Lord would bring a loving, christian man into my life just to take him out again.  I blame myself.  I've not been a good christian.  I've doubted the Lord, doubted my faith, doubted myself.  Not just in that situation by all my life.  I was raised by wonderful christian parents and was raised in church.  I've memorized bible versus, sang in the church choir, helped with the youth, taught classes.  Don't get me wrong, I love the Lord and I'm grateful for the many blessings he's blessed me with and I believe he died on the cross for my sin.  My doubts stem from not having enough faith that he will handle things for me.  I'm scared I've done way too many bad things in my life and every bad thing that happens to me happens because of my actions.  I know that may sound crazy to some, especially coming from a christian.  I just seems when my life is going great and I'm happy, there's ALWAYS something that happens eventually to bring me back down.  I'm pretty sure the devil has a hand in that but maybe the Lord is punishing me for my fears or my doubts.  I don't know.  I just hope and pray these 14 steps will help me get my faith and hope back again.  I know with the Lord's help ANYTHING is possible.
.  Today I feel numb, depressed, scared...I'm struggling in life.  I'm struggling mentally, physically, spiritually and financially.  Some days it seems there is just no hope.  About 2 months ago my husband, whom I loved with everything in me, walked out.  I had no idea it was coming.  I was devastated.  From that point on I've wondered what I had done so horribly wrong in my life that the Lord would bring a loving, christian man into my life just to take him out again.  I blame myself.  I've not been a good christian.  I've doubted the Lord, doubted my faith, doubted myself.  Not just in that situation by all my life.  I was raised by wonderful christian parents and was raised in church.  I've memorized bible versus, sang in the church choir, helped with the youth, taught classes.  Don't get me wrong, I love the Lord and I'm grateful for the many blessings he's blessed me with and I believe he died on the cross for my sin.  My doubts stem from not having enough faith that he will handle things for me.  I'm scared I've done way too many bad things in my life and every bad thing that happens to me happens because of my actions.  I know that may sound crazy to some, especially coming from a christian.  I just seems when my life is going great and I'm happy, there's ALWAYS something that happens eventually to bring me back down.  I'm pretty sure the devil has a hand in that but maybe the Lord is punishing me for my fears or my doubts.  I don't know.  I just hope and pray these 14 steps will help me get my faith and hope back again.  I know with the Lord's help ANYTHING is possible. I am so sorry for all the struggles you have been experiencing.  This life we live is full of ups and downs.  God doesnt promise us an easy life or a perfect life according to never feeling any hardships or pain.  But life with HIm makes our up and down life so much easier to live with HIm by our side.  Dont blame yourself for hurtful things that happen to you in this life.  We do have to own up to our mistakes we make and live with consequences, but from the sounds of it... i dont think u are to blame for your husband leaving. I dont know all the details of these circumstances but our Lord does and He wants you to heal from your pain.  I know you are on the right path in finding that healing here.  He loves you, in the next few steps i hope you can begin to realise just how much He does love you.
 I am so sorry for all the struggles you have been experiencing.  This life we live is full of ups and downs.  God doesnt promise us an easy life or a perfect life according to never feeling any hardships or pain.  But life with HIm makes our up and down life so much easier to live with HIm by our side.  Dont blame yourself for hurtful things that happen to you in this life.  We do have to own up to our mistakes we make and live with consequences, but from the sounds of it... i dont think u are to blame for your husband leaving. I dont know all the details of these circumstances but our Lord does and He wants you to heal from your pain.  I know you are on the right path in finding that healing here.  He loves you, in the next few steps i hope you can begin to realise just how much He does love you.