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Today has been a day of craziness. I just don't feel great physically, mentally, emotionally, or spiritually. What happened to make me so out of whack? I'm not even sure. Woke up this morning... went to work... went to an AA meeting... talked to my sponsor... and just flat out can't get out of this like depressed mood... I've never really been depressed in my life... No matter what has happened I just kept going on with life like nothing happened you know... But the only way I can explain what I feel right now is flat out depressed.

I understand God sent his son to die for me... I've heard it all my life... I just... I don't know... It's hard to believe sometimes I guess...

I don't even know what to say right now I just feel so torn... I want to scream at God or someone for someone reason... Why? because in real life there is no one to talk too right now... No one in my real life even cares about god and wouldn't even care if I told them what I was thinking... I just... I don't know... I wish real in real life people cared like they seem to care on here... Then I have to question the mere idea that people on here truly care or is it just like the passing hey how are you that we do everyday to people when we are to busy to really care if they answer us back you know...

I'm just... ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

As we heal we go through stages like the grieving process. I suspect you probably are grieving. Grieving the loss of the little girl whos purity and innocence was stolen from her. That little girl is still pure and innocent because God has made her His and cleaned her up through His blood and power. Cause He loves her just that much. That little girl still resides with in you and longs to receive what God has to give her.

In the grieving sometimes there is anger, other times seeking to blame someone, other times guilt, sometimes feeling numb, or moodiness.

What you feel is normal.

God has a better way than normal though. Keep on this path and you will find it. All in His time.

Praying for you!

love ya

Im so glad you are sharing your feelings here. I have been praying for you. I think a lot of the depression may come from taking things OUT of your life...the stuff that was "fun" and kept you busy. Its like...now what?? What do I do with myself. And its a bummer. Ask God to guide you to new things and new friends. Satan is going to give you those doubts and make you think growing closer to God is not worth it..its too hard...wont work for you. dont buy it its all lies.

You are cared for by many here please believe that.

One of the sayings I heard in the rooms was "time takes time"...i hated that... . Mainly because I wanted all the promises now.

also I understand feeling lonely...I want a God with skin too. Somebody alive and right in front of me that i can pour my heart out on and have them understand.

There are people "out there" who understand and care just like in here. It's much easier for me to be open in here though than out there...i put up what i like to call "the wall"... . You know maybe...protection from the pain. Main problem with the wall though is it works both ways and I end up being the prisoner of my own fear and doubt. and I think thats what makes the folks "out there" so hard to find.

I think your doing great

Good Morning Deafeningsilence,
Wow! First I wanted to tell you that people really do care and love you and accept you. I have only been here a few months and I didnt think anyone would care. I have trust issues. I am afraid of being judged and afraid that I might be the one person that is so weird and kooky that I will be ostracized. I have found that people truly care about me here and actually pray for me. I know that they are praying for you as I am.
How wonderrful that you are taking these steps at your young age. I am so excited for you in your journey in recovery. I love your honesty.
I am from a very sick family. I was molested and beat up and other crazy stuff. I was told in therapy that I can believe the worse is over. It was done and is not happening anymore. I am on the road of recovery and God is in control. I still deal with alot of feelings. I keep getting the message that the enemy Satan, the devil, the liar, wants me to fail. But
"Greater is He that is in us than he that is in the world." 1John 4:4
I keep that in mind to remember that we are stronger than the enemy because we have God in US!
You are really loved!
Diane

Hi sis, First I want to say something that some here might not agree with, BUT it is He that matters and I believe something I was told awhile ago," Do you think God wants you to lie or not be truthful"? your answer I hope is no, well when you get mad or upset with God do you think He doesn't know it, so when you are going to Him and talking like nothing is wrong how do you think He feels....betrayed, belittled or like you are not being honest with Him.
After I thought about this I looked at my REALationship with Him a lot differently,I blew a gasket the day I realized me and my wife were over and I directed it at God because I was doing everything I thought I should and felt like He betrayed me when I found out it was over (I later went to Him in prayer and asked for His forgiveness NOT for getting angry but for disrespecting Him) this is when this friend brought this to my attention, now I sit and talk with Him about my anger, hurt, or even fear even when it directly involves Him, I know we are not supposed to feel fear and anger....news flash!!!
some of us cannot control it as easily as others YES we can LEARN control but until then who better is there to talk it out with than....God, I use to talk to Him only out of fear or anger, you know what I mean: God PLEASE get me out of this!!
or God please get them away from me I'M SO MAD!!!, Now I talk to Him like I should (not as often) but as I should.
basically about everything good or bad.
satan is on the attack!! he sees you doing all you should and not crawling back to him and that stinking bottle
he wants you to feel bad so you will go back to him and alcohol thinking that is going to make everything better again,
it's not
Sis I want you to know you can pm me or message me here ANY TIME and give me all the sceaming you want.....because I DO care and will walk with you ALL the way as I am sure others will also, please know God DOES love you and so do I.
You are so young and God has so much for you, please always think of the good things instead of all the bad, today: you woke up, you have a job, you are working on the alcohol problem, you have someone to talk to about things AND you are HERE
YOU CAN DO THIS and we are here to do it with you and pray for you
God bless you and wrap His loving arms around you so you feel nothing but His love!
You ARE amazing!!! how do I know? because God DON'T make mistakes!!

Cuc

Hi DS

I was thinking as I read your post ... about what major surgery is like. Afterwards you hurt all over, you are tired, you need time to recover ... what you are doing now is kind of similar in some ways. There is major surgery going on in your mind, in your soul, in your life ... things that are being removed, things that are being added. It can feel exhausting at times; it can feel painful at times, but it is also something good and healing and positive! Just takes time and sometimes it feels like our bodies are catching up to the rest of us I know this is all feeling weird, but you are doing really well Keep going