“REAL” DEFEAT
 

      Admitting complete defeat can be humiliating. I personally believe that pride is our worst enemy. As for me, until I admitted total defeat of my use of alcohol, I could not get well until I did this. But the bad part was; after not having a drink for several weeks or months, I thought I could handle one drink. I was wrong. To make it even more baffling, I found out that it wasn’t the alcohol that was the problem, but I was the problem. I drank to fill a void in my heart and soul. I should say I stared out drinking as a teenager to be like everyone else and it made me feel bold. It gave me courage and it also helped me to forget about my problems. For years I medicated my mind so that I would not have to deal with normal issues of life. I was so sensitive. I had no idea how this way of life was going to destroy my ambitions, friends, and my life in general. What was fun at one time came to be a nightmare for me. All the time I knew that God was with me, But He gives me a choice to make decisions. There came a time when I had to humble myself and admit complete defeat. I had to have God’s help to do this, but first I had to admit that I had a problem and then make a decision to change.

        A seed does not produce until it dies first. As for me I had to die to self and turn my will over to God. This was and is a daily process for me. I do not look too far into the future nor do I dwell in the past. I try to stay in today and be all that God wants me to be. Yes, I still fall short. But God’s Grace has been freely given me.

        The void that I once had in my heart could never be filled with alcohol or drugs. It only made my life more complicated and usually I would reap some sort of consequence from it. Seven drug and alcohol treatment centers did not cure me. Prison did not cure me. But God has laid His hand on me and filled me with His Love that I now see a glimpse of sunlight and have hope for tomorrow. I have learned to be honest with myself and others. Even though I still have daily struggles in life, I can look to my Friend that knows and cares for me and I am confident He will see me through. My hope is in here. I keep it simple and live one day at a time.

        It took 25 years to mess up my life and I do not expect it all to be cleared up in one day. But now I have a relationship with Him and I know that His Grace is sufficient for me. One thing that helps me is to concentrate on others instead of my own problems. I can now say I love Him and want to be all He wants me to be. Even though my life is lonely I and have lost most of all I have, I have Him and know that He will provide for me if I do what is right. Besides, I am His chills and He loves me.