My whole life while growing up, I never knew what it had in store for me or even what it was going to be like as an adult.
 

            Like many young men/women just graduating from High School or even College know a little about what they want to do but can sometimes have doubt. Many may wonder; what do I do now? Or how do I better myself and my life?
 

            Me on the other hand I had no clue as to what I wanted to do or even where I wanted to be. Many teacher’s would ask while in school the most popular question of all; Where do you see yourself in ten or even fifteen years from now? I had no clue or idea.
 

            Ever since the fifth grade I knew I wanted to be an Author and write books. Writing has and always will be a passion of mine.  Once I left school I never thought that I would stop my writing, after all my goals in life was to pursue my dreams.
 

            Over the next couple years I worked many different jobs but never felt like it was what I was supposed to do or even where I was meant to be. Don’t get me wrong I loved working especially for the two summers that I worked for the Vermont Youth Conservation Corps. I loved this job and loved the outdoors, more importantly I really loved the opportunity to work in the state parks.
 

            By the end of my second year I realized that I wanted a career in Forestry and the Parks. It made me very happy and I loved every minute. I wanted to go down this road and see where life would take me.

            One day while at my local career center I found an advertisement for Job Corps in Limestone, Maine. It stated that they had a field of study in Forestry. All excited I soaked up this moment and registered online to join.
 

            Soon after, I forgot all about my application into job corps. Then, one day in the mail I received a package from them. Inside was a congratulations letter, airplane tickets and directions to the center.
 

At this moment I took a deep breath in and released it with lots of excitement; knowing that my life was now going to begin. I wanted more than anything to make something out of my life, but most importantly to better myself.
 

The bus ride to Boston International Airport seemed long. At the same time I found myself getting very nervous. This was going to be my first trip ever on an airplane.  I also battled the fear of heights. I was always afraid of it, more so of crashing into the ocean.
 

Once boarded, that was when my anxiety kicked into over drive. All I knew was that I refused to sit anywhere’s near the window. The taking off part was not as bad as I thought it would be. What hit me the most was the turbulence while traveling.
 

 The second part that made me very queasy was the landing. For the most part I really liked the experience of flying and would do it again.
 

When I arrived later that night in Presque Isle, Maine’s International Airport, I had no idea where to go or even who to be looking for.
 

I went to the front counter and asked a worker where do I go for Job Corp? He kindly pointed me out to a gentleman who was waiting in the lobby for me and a few other students. He introduced himself as we all did in return.
 

Within approximately forty minutes we arrived on center. I wanted to see the center but it was too late at night to see anything. The driver brought each of us to our dorms where we where introduced to our night staff and other students.
 

I was shown my room after checking in and a complete luggage check. This was done for safety reasons and to make sure that no one had anything that would hurt themselves or others.
 

By the time this process was done I was ready for bed and to relax. Within minutes I was out and did not wake up until staff came knocking on the door to let us know it was time to get ready for breakfast then class.
 

Once fully awake, I was excited and ready to begin my day. When I stepped outside the dorm I immediately felt lost. This center seemed so huge to me. The cafeteria was not too far away from the dorms but the trade classes and the education building where separated and spread apart a good distance as well as the on campus recreation room.
 

When I arrived to the classroom where the new students went for testing to see where we are at educational wise and for our tour of the center, I was disappointed to find out that there was no Forestry trade. This was an error on the website.

In return I had to pick out another trade of interest. I chose the HBI trade. (Home Builders Institute). This I also liked because it was based on painting homes both interior and exterior. I did very well in this class; within the two weeks I was there I already was close to phasing out on my level A. There are two levels, level A and level B. Then once completed you have the choice to both graduate and return home or to attend an advanced training course in the field through Boston.
 

By this time I no longer wanted to attend job corp. I felt that it wasn’t what I really wanted and I was still bummed that I could not do the training in the field I really wanted.
 

Five days later I returned back to Vermont. I was unhappy because I expected so much to happen and wanted so much. Two days later I realized that it was time for a change, not only for me but my surroundings in general. This was a very rough choice for me to make; after thinking long and hard about things, I came to the decision that moving to Caribou, Maine would be the right thing for me to do.
 

This whole new move and lifestyle would give me the opportunity to grow. By moving it would also help me figure out my life and what I want to make out of it. When I arrived back in Maine I resided with a friend for a few months while I saved up money to get a place of my own.
 

It felt great to be on my own and independent. Though I missed my family back home, at this moment in time I strongly felt that Maine is where I am supposed to be.
 

Quickly, a year had passed. I couldn’t believe how time just seemed to fly by since leaving high school. Maine seemed to be going well for me, but I still had no direction as to where I wanted to go with my life and career.
 

I dated a guy I met while in job corps, a few months down the road I ended up pregnant with my son Cooper. I was a very excited and happy mother to be, planning my future and dreams as a family.

          Shortly after finding out the good news my boyfriend left us and moved to Illinois. Though I was very upset about this I knew that I had only myself to rely on. Throughout my pregnancy I faced many arguments with my ex and a couple with family.

I began doubting myself as a mother. Wondering if keeping my son would be in the best interest for him. I wanted him to be happy, loved and felt that I wouldn’t be able to offer him things like family vacations, activities etc. This being because I was limited on income and just wanted so much for him and his future.
 

Time passed on quickly, before I knew it I was about five months along. Still doubting myself I looked into a program in Houlton for single moms who are looking at the possibilities of adoption for their child.
 

After seeing the site and thinking long and hard during the trip; I realized that I wanted to be his mother that yes I may struggle finance wise, but I would give him lots of unconditional love and support him in any way I can.
 

Before I knew it, time came to have my wonderful bundle of joy. As I held him close to me and herd his first cry; it was then that I realized I had made the best decision and I could not wait to start our lives together.
 

Two days later, my son was transported down state to Bangor, Maine. When their; we both faced many upcoming challenges that would be very tough to deal with, but would be worth it so much in the end and draw us even more closer.
 

In a five minute time frame I found out that my son had three holes in his heart and would soon need open heart surgery and that he is diagnosed with Down Syndrome. This was very emotional and hard for me to take in all at once.
 

I didn’t know anything about Cooper’s medical problems and had no clue what would be in store for us. The cardiologist team informed me that they had a home for kids like Cooper, that many parents give their child up to the agency because of their high level of needs and medical procedures.
 

I swallowed hard, replying back to them that Cooper is my son and I will not give him up. Even though there’s a lot to handle and deal with over the years, I refused to turn my back on my son.

         When I returned back to the Bangor Ronald McDonald House I went to my room and cried hard for over two hours. I was very scared for my son, I didn’t know how soon he would need his surgery or even if he would live or not.
 

I felt that all my dreams and goals I had set for us and the future was just shattered to pieces. My son would have a hard time in school, be picked on and would not be able to do many things that other children do like sports or even develop at their age level.
 

At seven weeks old Cooper was air flown to Portland Maine. Cooper had gone into heart failure and if he did not receive open heart surgery soon he would end up dying.
 

I have never been as afraid in my life as I did at that moment in time. When I went to see my son in his room; he lay their so helpless. He wouldn’t drink his formula at all and was losing weight.
 

Cooper got to the point where he was weighing only five pounds. When I met with the specialist he had informed me that now is the time for his surgery or he won’t make it. His surgery was then scheduled for the following day.
 

I cried as I held my fragile and weak son. I thought to myself that he wasn’t going to make it due to being so weak and young. I called my parents in Vermont crying to let them know what was going on with their grandson.
 

About an hour later my mother had called me back at the hospital to see how I was doing. It was good to hear her voice again. Mom informed me that she and dad were going to be here for me in the afternoon for support. I was very happy and thankful that my parents would take the time to make a four to five hour drive to be here for us.
 

That night I was not able to sleep. When it was time to carry my son down to the surgery ward my heart broke. As I handed my son off to the nurses I broke down and cried. They took him in at 11am. The nurse gave me a hug and told me to stay strong that everything would be ok.
 

At 1pm I met my parents outside in the main parking lot. They asked me if I heard anything on Cooper yet. I didn’t have any information to give them; I was even getting a little worried because I was told he would be out by 2pm at the latest.

Time seemed to go by so slow. I sat in the waiting room of the intensive care unit with my family patiently awaiting any news. By 3pm I still herd no word from anyone, then a half hour later I was informed that they could not stop the bleeding and he had to be put back on life support as they were going to try and go back in to fix the problem.
 

By 8:30pm I was scared something bad had happened. Mom and dad knew I was very upset; I could tell in my parents eyes that they too where beginning to get worried. Within minutes the ER surgeon and another doctor came into the waiting room.
 

The doctor introduced himself and shook my hand. “Your son is such a fighter, he is stable and will be in his room in about fifteen minutes then shortly after you can see him. Cooper went through being on/off life support three times and needed a blood transfusion.”
 

He also informed me that the next 24 hours would be very critical, that anything could happen. Keeping that in the back of my mind, I just wanted to hurry and see my baby.
 

When time come for me and my parents to see Cooper I was not prepared to see what he looked like. Once I entered his room I had to walk back out for a minute. I wanted to break down.
 

My son lay in his dipper on a huge bed hooked to lots of monitors with lots of wires running through him for his pace maker as well as a catheter and draining tubes from his chest. Cooper was on a respirator and cut wide open from his chest down. They had to even break his chest bone to cut him for his surgery. Dad took a picture of him to put in his photo album so we can look back at what he went through and how he survived every minute of it.
 

We didn’t stay too long because we all were very tired and cooper was unconscious anyways. I gave my son a kiss, rubbed his forehead, and while holding his hand I told him that I loved him and would see him in the morning.
 

That night I was able to sleep better. I thanked my parents once again for being there for the both of us and told them over and over how much it meant. When we went to see Cooper before my parents had to head back home, Cooper was doing ok. He did however spike a 102 temp within minutes. The nurses had to ice him down to get the temp down; they even had to give him an antibiotic and Tylenol/Motrin.
 

Within a couple hours his temperature went back to normal. Cooper’s first week in the ICU seemed long. The whole week he battled coming off the respirator, he just could not breathe on his own. Finale the very last day of the week he was able to come off it. He still needed oxygen to help him but he only needed this for about four days.
 

By the third week I am able to sit in a rocking chair next to his bed and hold him. When I finale got to hold my son in my arms I held him close to me. Not wanting to let him go but at the same time scared to hold him because I was afraid that I was hurting him.
 

As the days pass day by day and week by week, we finale found ourselves being in Portland for a month. This seemed like forever to me, I could not wait to go home and see all my friends again. Most importantly I was glad that my son lived and overcame so much.
 

To this day Cooper is still my little fighter and means more to me than anything. He completes me and who I am.
 

Since then the years went by even faster. It would seem like we just would start a year then before we knew it there would only be a couple more months left in the year.
 

By the time that cooper turned four I had another child. This time a healthy baby girl I named Emily. Cooper hated the idea of having to share me let alone the idea of another child. Cooper for awhile turned against me, wanting nothing to do with me.
 

For the first two years of Emily’s birth Cooper’s workers, school and I, have been working consistently so Cooper will be nicer to his sister. Though he is doing much better now, we still find ourselves every now and again struggling with that.
 

When Emily turned two and Cooper was only five I found myself facing problems that were out of my control. My ex-fiancé was very abusive but thankfully never hurt my kids. I wouldn’t let it happen anyways.
 

Once I called the police and reported him and put a restraining order on him that he agreed too; I thought that my life would slowly start to get back to normal. I wanted to be a better mother to my kid’s and I did not want them seeing or hearing anymore violence.
 

But once again things back fired. When my ex would not leave me alone and kept breaking into my house, I finale broke. Soon found myself in a crisis unit. At that moment in time I thought and felt like I was doing what was right. I protected my family from an ex, got a restraining order, and reported events to the local police.
 

Little did I realize that by admitting myself for help in dealing with all the abuse, I was not completely 100% taking care of my kids. I needed to help myself first then I could be a parent to my kids.
 

Then the second day at the unit a DHHS Child Protective Case Worker came to see me. When we got to talking by the end of the visit she informed me that my kid’s where going to be placed into the states custody.
 

I began to rebel against her and the department. I was very angry at everyone including myself. For the longest time I kept asking myself was everything did worth me losing my kids? Why is that when I try to do the right thing and protect myself and kids that I get penalized and the kids get removed?
 

Many thoughts ran through my head for several months. I kept kicking myself in the butt, wishing things where better and that the kids where home with me where they belonged.
 

Four months since the kid’s removal I felt very lost. I felt like my whole world was crumbling down. That my life was worthless. I had lost everything and just didn’t care anymore. I lost my car I just got, I was losing my apartment, I lost over half my income, but most importantly I lost my two wonderful and amazing kids.
 

I lived my day each day for them. They were the reason I got up each day, they kept me busy, we loved each other unconditional, and we were a family.
 

As each day continued to pass by I felt myself drifting away. I refused to eat, slept all day, wouldn’t talk to anyone including my family, and even got to the point where I was making up a list and plan of different things I could do to end my life.
 

By that following weekend I felt as low as I could ever get. Mother’s Day was the next Sunday, it really hurt me because I was not seeing my kids and rarely talking to them on the phone. I hurt so bad, all I wanted was my kids and for us to be together again.
 

At 7am I took my car for one last drive. I was going to lose it on Monday anyways because I could no longer afford payments and insurance.
 

I drove around town for ten minutes thinking of what I could run my car into or over a hill. I wanted something that would work quickly and kill me at the same time.
 

I broke down and cried. I felt so weak, alone, helpless. I felt as though I don’t belong or that I should not live. I pulled my car into the first parking lot I came to.
 

It happened to be a church. There were so many different churches I could have gone to, but for some reason I chose the Caribou Assembly Of God Church.
 

After three hours of sitting in my car debating on going into the church or not; I finale got out of my car and walked towards the church doors.
 

It felt as though something was leading me there, telling me to try it and that all would be alright. When I walked into the church I immediately felt a sigh of relief over my body.
 

I was welcomed by all and felt like I mattered. Throughout the whole service I was amazed and happy. People where so friendly and kind, they hugged you and shook your hand. By the end of the service the Pastor and his wife introduced themselves to me and welcomed me into their church.
 

When I walked back out of the church I felt a huge weight lifted off my shoulders, for the first time in months I laughed and smiled. I felt as though I was a new person and all my troubles where taken away.
 

I no longer had or wanted the need to hurt myself. From that Sunday morning on was the begging of a new life and start for me.
 

I went each week and attended services that were asked of me to better myself as a parent, I went to church faithfully each week and just loved being around everyone and getting to know God better.
 

Before I knew it by July at the next team meeting I had, due to all the progress I had made and the changes that have been made allowed me to be able to have visitations three days a week for one and a half hours each visit. I also was able to call my kids and talk to them on the nights I did not see them.
 

I was very happy. My life was slowly starting to get back on track. I continued going each week to church, preying and continuously believing in my God. For I strongly believe in all my heart and soul that our God is amazing, awesome, holy, but most important powerful.
 

One night when I lay down to sleep I got to thinking about my God and how amazing he truly is. When I thought more and more about him I realized that he had always been there for me.
 

Once I began thinking about it more and more I realized that God herd me and was there for me and Cooper while he was going through his open heart surgery. Especially when I was told the next morning that a little boy with the same weight, age, and medical problems went in for his surgery right after Cooper; he did not make it.
 

The news never sunk in with me or hit me until I realized exactly how many times God looked over me and protected me. When I counted all those times I was very amazed and felt closer to him.
 

It was then that I realized I wanted a new life, a new start. I wanted to live my life for God. To worship, obey and love him. I wanted to commit myself totally to him and was ready to learn more and more each week about our awesome God.
 

On August 1^st 2010 will be a day that I will never forget. It was a very powerful, wonderful, amazing and emotional day for me and the other 8 people from church.
 

This was the day that all of us chose to give our hearts and soul completely to God. As each of us one by one got baptized, I felt completeness over me. When my turn had come I was scared not of being baptized but because one I was fearfully afraid of water and two because the fear of being put under water even if it was only for a second.
 

The most emotional part not only for me, but many others was my testimony of how God saved me. This is so true and has even inspired a couple people attending the event. Below is a copy of my testimony I gave

“Seven months ago I lost everything that was important to me. I was about to lose my car, my apartment, but most importantly I lost my kids to the state. The day that they were taken from me I could feel my whole world come crashing down and my heart breaking into a million pieces.
 

Throughout my whole life I battled with temptations and sin, it even got to the point where it took control of me. It even got to the point where off and on since fifteen all I wanted to do was die. I was very unhappy and no longer wanted to live, I would attempt suicide by overdosing but thankfully never succeeded.
 

I just could not bear or handle anything anymore.  But that Sunday morning, a week before Mother’s Day; I sat parked in your parking lot for over two hours. Debating on rather to go inside or just go home.
 

Finale I went inside your church. When I opened the church doors for the first time my whole life changed for the best and I got a second chance at life.
 

I was a very lost sole, I got to the point I didn’t care about anyone or anything except to die. I honestly thought this time I was not going to come out of my depression, that that day was going to be my last day.
 

But God, your church and everyone in it, including you Pastor Tony and Sister Angela helped me out so much and made me feel welcomed. Everyone at the church made me feel like I matter, like I am someone. You all helped make me realize too that I have two beautiful and wonderful children who need me and love me very much.
 

I am so thankful for everyone and finale finding and accepting God into my life. I realized that I am no longer the person I was before and I never want to go down that long dark, scary road again.
 

Grant it temptations and sin still haunt me and try to take over every now and then, but as long as I have my faith, God, church, and everyone else hear by my side you all will help pull me through my darkest hours.
 

For I Love you God and am so thankful to have you in my life for you have saved me. You turned me into a new and better person. Now all I want to do is love you, worship you, and obey you.”

By the middle of August I had another family team meeting. This one was very different and unlike the prior one. Half way through I was informed that the kids where going to be coming back home for a temporary placement to see how we do.
 

I smiled from ear to ear, my heart raced with excitement and joy. If I could have I would have probably jumped up and down.
 

On September 5^th we all meet once again to see where things were at. At this meeting things got even better for me. I found out that they would be coming home on September 20^th.
 

The Department informed me that if all continued to go well in January of 2011 when the Department and I went back to court I would be looking at getting my guardianship back.
 

After the meeting I left with a huge smile. I walked through my apartment door, closed it and jumped up and down yelling with excitement “YES!”
 

Before I knew it my wonderful kids where finale back home where they belonged. We were finale able to be a family again. As the kids each gave me a huge hug and kiss after running to me, I felt so much joy.
 

When it was time for my kids to lay down for bed I could not help but check in on them every ten minutes. Once they both were sound asleep I sat on the floor next to each of them, held their hands, kissed them and told them each just how much I love them.
 

As I watched my kids sleeping so sound and peacefully, a tear rolled down my face. This was only tears of joy; my heart melted because it was then I realized my kids where home to stay and reality of having them back kicked in.
 

Looking back now at everything that has happened in the past seven months, I have realized that even though I don’t want to admit it, I am glad that the kids were removed.
 

This gave me the time I needed and the one and only opportunity to find myself. To get the help I needed so I can be a better parent for my kids. It also gave me the chance to connect with God, develop a relationship with him and also with my church.
 

God has saved me in so many ways. He made me a better person and opened my eyes up. Because of him and my faith I have become a better person. Most importantly I grew not only in faith but as a person and mother.
 

I learned many valuable lessons over the past seven months that have changed me even more. One that really seems to hit home to me is that God loves us unconditionally even through our sins. That he loved us so much he died for us all.
 

Without God and the second chance at life that he has given me, I know I would not be where I am today.
 

 Because of him I am a stronger and better person. I will never turn my back on him and owe him so much, for I will always love and worship our God.
 

I encourage many of you that feel lost or empty to open your hearts to the word of God. Take it day by day and allow yourselves five-ten minutes a day to pray to him. Ask for his forgiveness and he shall do, except him into your life and he will change it for the better. God is amazing and so powerful he works miracles day after day always watching out for people even if they do sin.
 

All that our God wants us to do is to believe in him, obey and worship him. For the more you grow in him the more miracles you will see in your own life.
 

If you except him totally and open hearted and commit to him as your God and Savior you will be saved from all sin. To me that alone is awesome.
 

Find a church you feel conferrable with then when time comes and your ready ask to be baptized. It’s well worth it and draws you even closer to him.
 

Obey his ten commandments, continue to grow and learn his word, but most importantly spread the news of how he touched your life and saved you so that many others can be saved and follow the words of our God.
 

You will see a change, it will be worth all of it, though it may take some time in the end the reward will be so much greater; for we will be in our God’s kingdom and stand by his side.