As a kid, I have many memories. Living in hospitals for the
most part, because of a sickness that I had, from birth. My
earliest memory as a kid was being taken away in a police cruiser.
My parents had apparently separated, and I didn't know my real
parents at the time. I was in the car begging to go back to the
one that I knew as my mother. I did finally get back, but I
cannot remember how. My family wasn't and still isn't really
the church going type, but here and there they were I guess.
When I was
about 5 years old, my family began to tell me that my parents that I
knew as my parents were not my true parents, and the one that my brother
called 'dad' was mine. A certain member of my family laid
around drunk a lot, and did things that scared me when it came to God.
I didn't know what to think or do. Being drunken to the point of
passing out and falling off of the porches and things was one thing, but
I remember plainly that they would stomp the floor and yell out "I'm
Jesus!" I would be so scared, but there was not really a lot I
could do, being a small kid. I was scared to go to church because of the
tales I had been told. Scared that the devil himself was going to
bust out of the back of the church, with fire everywhere. Those
type of images should never enter a small child's mind, but with me they
did. The truth is, that satan started fighting me at an early age
for some reason. Whatever the reason, I knew there must be a great
purpose for me, which I can see that now. I tried to get some help
before and let my family know I was scared, and the only response I ever
remember getting is ' there's nothing to be afraid of' or either "its
just the devil trying to get you". I didn't really know what
praying was, so I just went on about my business and hoped that nothing
got me at night.
One day when I came home from school, we
were at my grandmothers house, and everyone was being so nice to me that
day. I was getting so much attention and smiles like never before.
There was this woman there, and I was liking her at first. But
then, they were telling me it was my mother, and I got scared of her.
But the more she came to me and was nice to me, I could not help but
like her and run to her because I did feel comfort and a bit of joy, and
it was soon enough to get me over my being afraid. I was also told
that I had two sisters I was going to meet. I guess when I was
told that, I wanted to go with her. But nobody could replace my
parents that I knew. They were still my parents.
As the few years went by,
things were so good. I had met a side of my family I never knew,
and my parents had met these friends that were church goers.
Things were finally looking up! I got to go to church, and by that
time, I was learning about the good things God can do for me too, and I
did believe. One night, I was at my parents friend's house, and I
did get scared. I was sleeping on the couch, and I started to cry
thinking that the devil was after me. But Alice told me that
whenever I got scared, all I had to say was, "In the name of Jesus", and
the devil had to go away and leave. I said that all night till I
went to sleep! Now thinking back, I saw just how much faith I did
have as a child. She also told me another night, that if I wanted
anything, all I had to do was pray to God and I would get it. I
believed that with all my heart, and I was happy too. I prayed and
asked him for a bicycle, and I just knew I was going to get it.
Nobody knew what I had asked for either. The next day when I got
home, my momma told me to go around the back of the house, that my
brother had gotten me something when he came down to visit. Sure
enough, it was a blue buzz bike. That thing lasted me till the end
of my childhood. I never forgot to thank God for it either. I was
taken to be baptized also later on. I didn't know much, but I got
the point. God loves us, Jesus died for us, and the devil is bad.
I didn't know that satan could tempt me to do bad things.
By the time I was about 8 and
a half years old, I was well attached to my new family also, and I saw
them often. But, something happened. My family that I had
been with all my life was telling me horrible things about my mother
that I had grown to cherish. Telling me that she was going to take
me away and never let me see any of them again, and that she dropped me
and left me when I was first born. After hearing all these things,
we ended up in court. She was all smiles, but I stayed my distance
from her, and even my sisters. A couple months after that, I was
being taken to a funeral. It was her dad, my grandpa. At the
end, I saw my mother sitting on a bench crying, and she saw me and said,
my name, and opened her arms expecting me to come toward her. But
me being scared, I ran away from her. After that, my parents and I
had talked to her, and we were going to settle things out in court so I
could see her on certain days and so. I was happy, and back around
my mother again.
We ended up moving to Lexington, so
I didn't ever get to see her after that. She had turned into a
good Christian woman, and my sisters were now 7 and 5 years old. I
had hit 9. One day, we got into the van, and were headed on the
interstate, and I asked what for, and they said we were going to see my
mother and sisters. I was very excited. I asked if we were
going to get the stuff straightened out so I could see them on certain
days and all, because I was missing my mother so bad, and I couldn't
wait to get to see her and tell her I loved her again. But
instead, I was told," No honey, they died". That hit me hard.
I had learned right then and there that I was not going to see my mother
again, or my sisters. I was quiet the whole way there.
At the visiting, I saw my
family, and and my mother and sisters were laying in those caskets.
I wanted to touch them, but I wasn't allowed because of the bruising and
all. They were killed in a flood. This was the
beginning of a hard and lonely, long road. On the last night
before the next day they were to be buried, people went crazy.
They were running out of the church like mad, and scared. They
were yelling, "She's crying! She's coming back!" They were
talking about my mother of course, and I went in to see what they were
talking about, and my mother had what looked like a tear coming out of
the corner of her eye, and a trickle of blood from the corner of her
mouth. I didn't know that there wasn't a chance they could come
back, so I was happy. But, sure enough, the people that take care
of them came in and made me leave, fixing her back up. That had me
thinking hard on life.
years, I ended up losing more and more loved ones. By the age of
10, death was just a normal thing to me, and I was wanting it to happen
to me also. My brother, which was in jail most of my life, was now
with us, and he kept me up night after night telling me about all kinds
of evil things, and about worshiping the devil. And time and time
again, he would freak out on me, and I was the only one up. Dad
was then still suffering from his alcoholism, and mom did nothing but
watch after Dad and stay there upstairs with him. As he told me
these stories, I would have to go to school, and it was hard on top of
it all. But every night, I was laying there waiting for a demon to
bust through the window and get me, or I was waiting for my brother to
come back from the grave yard.
getting me to go with him a few times to a portal of hell or whatever he
called it. I wanted to pray to God, but I didn't know what to do.
It seemed as if my brother had nearly brainwashed me. I could feel
so much evil around all the time, and as bad as it sounds, I was used to
it. It became a daily routine for him to drag me to the truck at
night, and tell me all these things while he drank himself to passing
out. School was going bad for me, and I was put in special classes
for my bad work. In those classes, I did happen to get a friendly
smile, and it brought a bit of joy to me, so I gladly put in my effort
to do good.
night, my brother did something when he had his wife and kid there, and
he freaked. He told me that he didn't want to have anything to do
with that stuff anymore. He went around the house and yelled for
something to come and get him, and he turned white and ran into the
house, almost busting the hinges off of the door. I was scared and
didn't know what to do, but from that point, I was freaked also.
But to this day, I love my brother just as much as ever. I ended
up wanting to be put away somewhere, so I told the school counselor I
wanted to kill myself and that I did try. They talked with my
mother, and I was put in a mental ward at Charter. I stayed there,
and it went good. I didn't have to deal with the evil from my
brother, and I was happy. I made a way to get out of there about 6
weeks later, but when that day came for me to leave, I wanted to stay.
Something in me just wanted me to do something to try to get back in.
I was 11 years old at that time. I cut my wrist and went and
showed mom in hopes of getting back in, but instead, she got boiling mad
My brother I believe was back
in jail at that time, and things were okay. My dad's dad ended up
dying, and I loved him so. But at that time, it seemed as if
things were so messed up I didn't know what to do. I was told, and
I went outside and cried for a long time. I screamed and asked God why.
Over and over again.
By the time I was 12, we moved back to London. New school, new
place. And from what my brother had done that one night, I seemed
to see that thing following me here and there, though I wasn't sure if
it was my imagination or not. I felt like a total outcast, like
nobody knew what I was going through or cared. I was still in
special classes when I moved there, but they wanted to take me out.
I didn't go well with that, so I decided to flunk on purpose.
People looked at me strange, so I decided to go on and dwell on the
evilness that my brother had brought to my mind. I told others
about it, and I wanted to be a so-called freak. I wanted to make
people fear me like my brother did. I had this big lie going, that
I was something that I knew I wasn't. But I imagined seeing a
black smoke like figure, and I began to talk to it. I didn't know
why, but I guess it was part of what I thought my life was. For I
had found myself in just as bad of a place. My grandpa that used
to mock Jesus was around, my dad still being a drunk and risking his
life, and my brother was back from spending 4 years straight in jail.
By that time, I had learned about drugs, and took a side with my younger
brother, and started doing them. I didn't care anymore so to
Something happened to where an aunt and an
uncle, and my cousins started going to church, and they seemed so
foreign to me at that time. I didn't understand them anymore.
My grandmother also started, which was a great woman. I was
dragged along to this lake, where they were getting baptized. I
remembered when I did when I stayed with my parent's friends, in a pool.
But something happened. While at the water, I saw them baptized,
and it seemed as if they were new people. I felt something
stirring inside of me, that felt like my heart churning. Even my
grandpa that I thought was a no good drunk had changed!
Later that same evening, I
decided to go on to church with them, but I was scared. They
started to sing and play their music, and before the first song could be
over, I was crying. I was asked to come to the altar, and there I
prayed, and I was forgiven, feeling better than ever before. It
felt like a whole world of weight was lifted off of me, that I never
knew was there. That night, I was saved. I went to church
every single night after that for quite a long time. But then,
things started coming to me, making me doubt if I was, and making me
doubt that I was on the right path. But thank goodness that those
wonderful people were there and talked to me, and I found my answers.
I was seeing things in my dreams where I was casting out devils and
standing up for God's word. That was something that I had wanted
someone to do for me all my life. Make all those devils go away.
I learned that when something bad comes along, just pray about it and it
will be better, for God is there with you.
I learned that
God knows our hearts, and all we have to do is serve him to get some
great blessings. He can fight for us and we will have victory.
I was thanking God for everything, and I realized that he was there the
whole time. I realized that he did not make anything bad happen to
me, and I also realized that there is so much evil in the world. I
saw that if I was going to make it, I had to fight. Not by
violence against people, but the evil that was there. That was
what I was doing throughout my whole life and had no idea I was doing
it. I did go down some wrong paths, but God made a way for me back
to him. Satan will lie and trick and steal away your happiness.
He will make some things look so good, as in a way out of the bad
things, but it is better to stay and fight your way through the bad.
It is better to go one on one with your problems than to try to find a
easy way out, that could cost your life in worse torment than you could
go through on earth. I was on my way to that easy way out many
times. But God had come in my life...I asked him to... I was
healed from a sickness I had had since I was a baby.
I was doing
better than I was ever. I was doing good in school, and I had
peace in my heart. It no longer hurt like it had since I can
remember. I had someone I could turn to no matter what hour. Soon
though, it seemed as if all people were drifting away. I guess I
did too, because of my confusion. Even that church was shut down.
My brother was back again, and it was just as bad as ever. Being
kept up, the fighting, and the thoughts of wanting to get away no matter
what the cost. At that time, I was 16 years old. I had went
back out in sin. But by that time, I was being constantly reminded
every time I did something wrong, and I knew it was God. People
came from nowhere and became a friend to me, and I was going places.
I didn't have to stay where my brother was, which was home. And
when I was there, I hated it. And at the times when there was
nowhere for me to go, I was thinking on even ways to get rid of him.
All things had come back to me like before, but I would sometimes break
down and pray. I would go on, and trust that God would help me.
It was about the same throughout, and I was so joyful to see myself go
back to jail when he did.
By the time I turned 18, I was able to buy
a small piece of land and a house, from the money that came from a
settlement where my mother and sisters were killed. I put my
parent's names on the deed, and it was all fine. My brother had
found himself a new girlfriend which he is still with, so he has not
been at my home. He has changed also. Not all the way where
he should be, but better than what he was. Still at times, he
tries to bring up the past when he was into the devil worshiping, but I
have enough strength to tell him to shut his mouth now, and that I don't
want to hear it. He tells me I have changed, and that he misses
me. But all that is, is satan trying to weasel his way back into
bringing me down. I thought that all these bad times I had had
through in my life was just a freak accident, or just a bad time.
Other than the storms and floods that had taken my mother and sister's
lives, it was all a bad plot. But as far as my mother and sisters
go, I do believe they will be in good hands, and I thank God now that
they didn't have to live another day longer in this world than what they
did. For this world is truly corrupt. Not the earth, but the
hearts of people.
At the age 19, I was raped
and molested. Just another thing that satan will try to bring you
down with, by corrupting the minds of people, and by them listening and
allowing it. Those things were not my fault, but I was sure told
they were. He can work through other people in many ways.
And that took another big toll on my life. But no matter what
satan tries to throw at me, I have to keep fighting. I can't just
lay down and give up. That is exactly what satan wants.
Whenever that stir goes on in my heart or when I feel that all is
hopeless, I still pray no matter if I think it will do no good.
Being 21 now, and finally giving my life
back over to God where it should be, I have learned a lot from all this.
I no longer ask why. I know that Satan can work through your loved
ones to get to you. I know that no matter what, God is there.
I have read the bible, and it never fails to show what I needed to know.
I know that God's spirit is within us. No matter how hard the
battle, you can win it with God by your side. Those dreams to me
that I had and am once again having now, are real. Not just
dreams. They are real, and I am really doing that. It is all
part of the spiritual battle. I no longer blame myself for things
that I could not help. I see now that evil was working on all
sides to bring me down, even into the pits of hell. Through my
brother, other family, kids at school, my own mind, television, and in
dreams. But God saw me through all of that and as the years went
on, I gained knowledge, and had my troubles and temptations. I did
give into them a lot of times. But the best thing we can do is
turn to God when it is too much for us to handle. He is there to
help us through the small times as well as the hardest.
Suicide is not
the way out to anything. Hurting someone else is not the way to
solve a problem. We are not just living creatures that die and
that is it. There is a fight that will go on till the last day
upon this earth. There is a fight that will go on with each and
every one of us, that we have to battle. Turn to God and let him
come in your life if he's not already. If you do have God in your
life, please please please don't give up. We all have so many
trials and troubles to go through. But we can make it, we all can.
I, as well as so many people out there go through really tough times and
am tempted every day to do something bad. I every day have to
fight with Satan and the evil out in the world. It's not just me.
It is every person upon this earth. The sad part about it is, most
of the people here are so clueless.
I had this one person ask me once, "Why is
it that if someone finds that you are a Christian or even trying to live
for God, that they are so quick to challenge?" Hearing that made
me so happy! It goes to show that we are hated by all nations for
his name's sake and the gospel. It goes to show, and to me, it is
even proof that God is the one true God! The only living God!
I feel so much within my heart that all these things have come to happen
to me, because Satan has tried in every way to bring me down, to get me
before God could, to keep me from telling my story. I am telling
on him now as I write for all the bad things he has done in my life.
It was satan working through my brother with the alcohol and what he has
lured him into doing, and then it was taken upon me also, but I did not
follow him. But I knew it was not my brother that I was up
against. It was satan. I love my brother. I see that I
am also to blame for listening and doing the wrong that I have did in it
too. But God is there to forgive and save. Jesus died on the
cross for us all, that we can have the choice to go to Heaven or Hell.
I feel that satan knew that there was something great stored in life for
me, and that is the kingdom of Heaven. He knew that if he couldn't
get me, I might do something to guide someone else to God, and that is
another lost soul found. And like me, there are others out there
that he has tried to devour. But with God, we cannot be. As
for the ones who doubt, that do not think this religion is the right
one, I pray that they are shown. But for that to happen, we have
to actually seek with our hearts. So many are a 'when I see I'll
believe' type. But those who believe and have not seen are
blessed. It is spiritual. You will know by your spirit.
For when God helps you, you can feel it, and you will see changes.
Just not 'Him' himself. He is here none the less though.
God is there, and he is good. He
rains on the just and the unjust. There will be a day come when we
will be standing face to face with him. Won't it be so great if you can
hear him say one sweet word to you? Won't it be so great if he
says to you, "Well done thou good and faithful servant..."? I
myself cannot wait to hear those words. To meet my God face to
face, to make it into Heaven. I could care less if Heaven was
nothing but a cardboard box as long as my God is with me there, I will
be forever happy. I hope so much that those that are thinking of
bad or ending their life will change their minds, and they will be led
to the truth, and I hope that they accept Jesus as their saviour, and
they be born again. Turning again to God is such a great joy and I
thank him so much for letting me live till I did. And to me, it is
your heart that counts. God is LOVE. It is an ongoing war
with evil and satan. But turn to God, and it will be less hard,
because you will learn ways to live to avoid it, you will have God
fighting with you, and you will gain faith and strength. He won't
make it like Heaven here on earth, so we will still be tempted.
But if we endure to the end, we will make it to Heaven. I feel
that my life along with other's is more and more proof that we need to
really be thinking on what is going on, and where we are headed.