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BIPOLAR CHRISTIAN BIOGRAPHY
THE LIFE OF A BIPOLAR CHRISTIAN SOUL
... My name is Shelli. Welcome to my little corner of the universe. I
would like to begin by sharing a little about myself with you ...
I am a Bipolar Christian.
Many years ago, I was a wife and a mother of three children. I had
everything a woman could desire. I was part of a loving family. We lived
in a beautiful home. We had worked hard to get what we wanted, but even
that too, was welcome. Yes, I had the fairy tale, that we all secretly
Suddenly, without warning my whole world crumbled beneath me. The culprit
that caused this, was Bipolar Disorder. One day I would be at home making
a meal for my family. The next day, I would find myself trying to find
something or someone which inevitably evaded my grasp. This Bipolar disease
occurs without warning. The Bipolar signs, the Bipolar symptoms are there if only you
know how to look for them. In recognizing this Bipolar truth, how does one survive a
manic or a depressive episode? If it is possible to live through it. How
does one survive and still remain whole?
DEFINES BI POLAR AS ...
Possessing two mutually repellent forces, opposing natures or views.
Although "bi polar" is a very
undesirable disease, with a state of depression being the dominant force,
it has another opposing force known as "mania" that can deceive the
person, with the disease, into believing it to be very desirable. The
events that take place during these "mania" experiences are not real, but
are believed to be so, during an episode. In the depressive state, the
person finds the "mania" side to be very appealing, but knows deep within
that it is not real, and finds themselves in a struggle between the two
This experience is
very similar to Christianity, in that we Christians also struggle to avoid
slipping into the deceptive realm of evil, where the devil, as a ravenous
beast seeks to devour our souls.
Hello ... My name is Shelli, and I have Bi-Polar.
early that morning. There was a lot to do. The herb festival was taking
place and she had volunteered to man a booth. The girls, were asleep in
the next room while the baby lay in between her and her husband David.
Swiftly she left the bed. As she stood she coughed. The bronchitis had not
yet left her body. She had tried to rest, but the grueling week and left
her susceptible to whatever illness the girls had brought home from
"Come on girls. Time to get up." She spoke softly as she nudged their
shoulders gently. Each in turn they stirred and resisted their mother's
wake up call. "Remember we have the herb festival to go to. Come on. You
said you'd watch the baby for me." The girls sat up in their beds. They
were sisters. Just sixteen months apart. Yet they looked as different as
night and day. Sherri the oldest had long brown hair and light blue eyes
while the younger sister Jeanna had blonde hair and sapphire blue eyes.
Sherri was tanned even though Summer was long past. While Jeanna was as
milky white as the pillow she rested her head on.
"Ok, Mom," they moaned in chorus as they sat themselves up on their beds.
Shelli headed down the stairs to gather the blueberry muffins that she had
made the night before. They sat respectively on the counter. Neat in their
dresses of saran wrap. She lay them carefully in the bottom of a basket.
Carefully placing them so the crown would remain full and pointed. She
then returned to the bedroom to wake and dress the baby, calling out from
time to time to speed the progress of the older two children as her
husband rolled over and threw his arm across his face. She couldn't blame
him he had driven in the late night exhausted from his reserve duty.
Shelli had kept the house going all week, shuttling the kids from event to
event meanwhile caring for a 4 year old baby and maintaining a part time
position in a psychiatric facility teaching teenage boys English while
they received treatment for their personal issues while serving time for
offenses they had committed. The work was challenging, but she loved it.
That was until she began to feel the pressure of both work and home the
previous week. It's impossible to rest she thought to herself when
everyone was wanting your time.
Now the herb festival. With the muffins in one arm and baby in the other,
Shelli walked out to the blue minivan. The girls reluctantly followed.
Handing muffins to Sherri and Jeanne, Shelli firmly reminded them of their
responsibilities of the day. "Now you two are going to watch Crystal while
I work the booth. Right?"
Again the chorus sang "Right."
The festival was crowded. The booths were set up and people wandered from
one to the other. Shelli and her entourage stopped at the children's
booth. "Now you two can watch Crystal here while I help at the booth. It
shouldn't be longer than an hour. " With that she left the two girls
standing both holding one of the baby's hand.
The booth stood at the back of the festival, but Shelli could see her
family clearly. Most of the women were older than she, but the greeted her
with warmth and enthusiasm. Shelli handed her basket of muff.
the basket over to the lady. As the lady put the basket down and
transferred the muffins from the basket to the selling tray another much
younger lady came up behind her and deftly grabbed two muffins and stuck
them in her purse.
She took this in.
"You know," said the older lady to the muffin snatcher. "She left her kids
at the children's booth and they've been doing nothing, but fighting
"Yes, I see," she responded.
shame. She quickly glanced over to the children's area, but could not see
her daughters and the supposed struggle. She once again set her mind to
the task at hand as she felt fatigue wash over her.
Shelli smiled as she bartered with an older couple. "Two muffins for the
price of one?"
"They're your last two. I would think that you'd want to get rid of them
they've been here all day. And then you can leave since you've nothing
else to sell. "
"I guess I can let you have two for one at full price."
"Sold!" exclaimed the man as he unwrapped a blueberry muffin and handed
the chocolate one tow his wife. Shelli put up the trays as the two moved
on to the next booth. She scanned the crowd for a glimpse of her three
children. The crowd had thinned, but she did not see them. Just then two
boys came up with leaflets. Flavored cooking or for sale. Instantly she
knew where they were. She looked again over the crowd as she made her way
to the cooking oil booth.
"Mom, The blonde child said as she handed her a bottle of cooking oil,
"Happy Birthday early." The taller daughter stepped up and handed the baby
to her. Gone were all the worries and frustrations of the last 2 hours.
Only questions remained. How did she know where they were? How could that
biddy see that they were fighting when she herself couldn't see them?
Shelli gathered up her three chicks and ushered them across the
fairground. The booths held no appeal for her. She was worn out and knew
that more work lay ahead at home. The girls did not put up a fuss. She was
glad of that. There was more for them at home that at the herb festival.
Shelli did not look forward to the mounting laundry that was laying in
wait. Nor did she look forward to the rest of the household chores. They
must be done and no one else would do them. The older two would help, but
she knew she would spend her Saturday night in front of the television
folding clothes as she had done the previous Saturday night and the on
before that and so.
As they approached the van, a green leaflet waved at them from underneath
the windshield wiper. The number was clearly displayed. It practically
glowed in her eyes. It said call for an appointment. "Oh my God' she
thought to herself, "What is this?. She un leashed it from the wiper,
gazed at it and then put it in her pocket. She could feel the anxiety rise
up to her throat as she strapped the baby into the car seat. The older
girls discussed who would ride in the front as Shelli climbed into the
car. Music blared as Shelli clenched and unclenched her hands on the
steering wheel. The ride was nerve racking. Who could be trying to contact
her? Why would somebody want her for anything? The questions circled in
Shelli pulled into the drive of her home. The girls grabbed their prizes
from the fair and headed into the house. They left Shelli to contend with
the baby and all that was left in the car. "Maybe David will be able to
make some since of this she told herself. She put the baby in the
highchair in the kitchen, gave her something to eat and lay the rest of
the gear on the floor by the phone. She in turn sat on the couch which was
in the adjacent room.
Listening to the background chatter of David and the girls, she gazed upon
the paper which lay on the kitchen table. Crystal gurgled and drooled as
she put one grape after another in her mouth. Shelli picked up the green
paper and dialed the number.
"No one is taking calls and this time. Leave your name and number and
we'll get back to you."
Shelli left her name and number and hung up the phone.
"How was the festival?" David asked as he walked into the room.
"I don't know. Things happened."
What do you mean things happened?"
"It's like people were watching me." She replied as she watched the
puzzled expression take over her husbands face.
"What do you mean people were watching you?" He asked.
Shelli told him of the the woman and the muffins. She then repeated the
oil incident. The she told him of the number on the leaflet.
"Don't you realize that it would take a lot of people to set something up
like that? His military background had already rolled in.
"All I know is what I saw."
rang. Shelli jumped up to answer it. David sat pondering her version of
"Hello. This is Shelli. Yes, I did call earlier" she said as she spoke
into the phone. The voice on the other end sounded muffled. She could not
quite put her finger on the owner. She had heard it before somewhere maybe
on the television. She gave the man her address. He claimed that he had
more information for her and would be sending it through the mail. What
could this possibly be about she asked herself yet again. He excused
himself by saying he had more people to contact and telling her that she
should call him as soon as she received the package he was sending.
"Who was that?" David asked.
"I think that was Governor Bush."
Shelli lay awake in the quiet hours of the morning. No matter how she
tried she could not fall asleep. The sun made its way across the floor of
her room. Soon David would be up and the girls would be rushing around
getting ready for school. Shelli would make the drive across the city to
take Elizabeth to the daycare while she spent her morning at the detention
center. After that there would be shopping and housework leftover from the
As she lifted her tired body from the bed, Shelli looked in the mirror
across the room. Her eyes were lined with dark circles. The bathroom
mirrors reflected the painfully obvious. She had not slept and didn't know
if given the chance again she could make her body rest. The thoughts of
the previous weekend still nagged at her. No time for that she told
herself. You have a full day ahead of you. She woke the kids and kissed
her husband good morning. She dressed herself and then dressed Crystal.
She fed the baby breakfast and scooted the older two out the door in the
ever present fear that they would miss the bus and she would have another
chore added to her list.
The drive across the city was filled with the hazards of the morning
commute. Once the baby was safely in the daycare workers arms, Shelli then
began to clock watch tensing as traffic ceased to make way for the ebb and
flow of crossing traffic. Once she finally approached the two story white
house known as The Crossing the tension in her body seemed to rise. She
parked the car and walked across the threshold. The receptionist smiled
and motioned to the Day Room. All the staff were milling about.
"What's going on?"
"Shelli come here. There is someone I want you to meet." The director said
to her as she motioned her to a very tall African American man. The is
Cyrus. He has come from New York to do some training for us." The man
reached for her hand as shook it vigorously.
"Shelli is our English Teacher. She is also certified in Special Ed. She
is quite good with our crew." said Linda, the director. "We have sent the
boys off on duties so we can hold the training here. Cyrus is a graduate
of the adult program. He struggled with drugs and alcohol for years. He is
a testimony to the facility and our program."
Shelli watched as Linda and Cyrus gathered the staff. She sat on a nearby
couch as he began to speak to the group. His words went through her. He
told how he struggled with drugs and how he drank in his latter teen
years. He was now free of all of it. Shelli searched her soul. She felt as
though he were speaking to her alone. True enough, she didn't take drugs,
but the drinking? Lately she had been having a drink in the evening to
calm her down from the days events One had become two as things had become
even more stressful. The last couple nights after the baby had been put
down. She had drank even more, but still sleep had not come.
"Come on Shelli." Linda motioned towards Shelli, while Shelli was lifted
out of her thought.
Cyrus had put music on. Shelli recognized it as the Bunny Hop.
Linda lead the
line as the followers hopped in time to the music. Shelli found herself
attached to the end of the line. Suddenly there was silence.
The line disassembled. Shelli looked from person to person. The music
started again and the line reassembled. "Form two lines." called out a
voice. The line became two. Trapped in between the two lines, Shelli stood
stock still wondering what to do next. The music again stopped. The staff
clapped as Shelli rushed out of the room.
"Meeting in the classroom!" Someone called down the hall. Shelli looked in
the bathroom mirror. As she splashed water on her face, thoughts began
whirling through her head. She looked at her watch. Only an hours, you can
make it until then. She headed down the hall and went into her classroom.
The director and staff were seated around the large table that served for
desks. Shelli sat on Cyrus' left.
`Ten years ago, he began, " we were 10 in rented rooms in Brooklyn New
York. You are what we have become today." Cyrus' voice pitched as his
enthusiasm continued. Shelli looked down on the table next to his hands.
What were her glasses doing there? She had left them in the car. Had
someone maybe even Cyrus gotten in her car and taken them out? She stood
petrified as he took the glasses off the table and put them on. He was
wearing her glasses. He read from a page in a book. Shelli heard nothing
he's said from the point on. Her mind was only focused on the glasses.
The day was done. Shelli approached her car and unlocked it. She grabbed
her glasses that were sitting on the dash and drove to the daycare center
to pick up Crystal. The traffic moved at a fast pace and then she was
Shelli had decided she would take the rest of the day off. She watched as
Crystal played on a small blanket in the front lawn. Crystal stood up and
yanked at the home of her dress. She worked the cloth over her shoulders
and then threw the garment down at her feet. She tucked her thumbs in the
waist of her underwear and steeped out of them. Free from the constricting
clothing, she laughed as she ran across the yard. Shelli jumped up and
grabbed the blanket and followed the child as she rushed to the neighbors
Shelli scanned the porch. A basket held an airplane and a Happy Birthday
banner. flanked the window next to the door. Her insides clenched as she
took in the sight. Her birthday was the next day. This couldn't possibly
be for her. "Ding Dong," the doorbell chimed and the door slowly opened.
Sheila, her neighbor peeked around the barrier. "Hi," she said from behind
the hand she held across her mouth. "Come on in." Sherri crossed though
the front of the house the while covering her mouth.
Shelli followed behind her. Upon arriving in the family room she noticed
piles of movies. The Disney films glowed on the floor. Sherri sat on the
couch and Shelli remained standing. Crystal flitted from one pile of
movies to the other. Shelli motioned to the glowing films. "What's all
this?" she asked. Sherri's hand dropped as she answered.
"Oh, that's Tammy mess. She got all of the movies out this morning and
sorted them before she went to school."
Shelli got a good look at what her neighbor had been hiding. The area
above her lip adjacent to her nose bore a huge scab. Sherri turned a bit
pink when she noticed Shelli's attention to her lip. "I get this every now
and then." Sherri said. "I don't usually leave the house when it happens."
"Oh," Shelli responded. "Do you have medication for it?"
"Yes, it's cleared up quite a bit. It always happens when I get too run
"Do you know where you got it from?"
"'I've had it since I was a little kid."
"You know it's a herpes virus and it can be spread by oral sex. Nothing
happened to you as a kid did it. Sometime things happen to us and we don't
remember them. I remember everything that happened to me that my uncle
did. I wish I didn't."
"Oh no. Nothing happened like that to me. I mean my folks did a bit of
drinking and stuff, but that's all."
By that time Crystal had rounded the corner and was exploring the laundry
room at the far end of the house. Shelli trailed behind her. On a stool in
the small room stood a television playing Dumbo. Sherri came right up
behind Shelli. "The stupid cat," she said. "We play movies in here and it
keeps her from meowing all the time."
The naked child walked through the stacks and headed for the door.
Clutching the blanket her bewildered mother followed in attempt not to
Crystal's pink body basked in the sunlight. Her round cheeks pumped up and
down as she bounced up the side walk. Shelli scurried along after her.
Crystal stopped at another neighbor house. As soon as the door was opened
Crystal scooted through the space between the door and the occupant. "Hi"
Shelli said nervously. The lady stood and chatted with her as Crystal ran
from the top of the house toe bottom of the house squealing and laughing
out loud. Soon the urchin appeared at the foot of the stairs and wiggled
her way back out the door. "I better follow her," Shelli excused herself
and retreated back out to the side walk.
Crystal meandered down the sidewalk and climbed the tall steps of a brick
house down the street from her own. She sat and rested her chubby elbows
on the knees. Shelli rested right beside her. Next to her was lettering a
one, a seven , and a nine. The letters were silver and twinkled in the sun
light. "Is this what you meant for me to find?" Shelli asked. The child
smiled and then gazed forward. Suddenly she stood up. Gently climbed down
the steps and hit the sidewalk once again.
Krystal's feet padded on the gray concrete. A loud hum sounded in Shelli's
ears. Turning, she saw a big yellow school bus full of children round the
corner. She took the blanket she had been carrying and cover her child's
nakedness from the view of the children in the bus. The bus passed and
Crystal had not provoked the pointing and staring of it's occupants.
Crystal crossed the busy street to the nearby playground. She was one step
behind her. Krystal spotted the play scape and quickly scaled the
structure. Shelli anxiously watched the passing cars hoping no one would
be offended by the sight of her child. A patrolman on a motorcycle drove
be. Shelli tensed. He looked her way and waved. Crystal returned the wave
Suddenly the blue van pulled up. David got out of the car and crossed the
grass separating the road and the playground. He charged up to Crystal
pulling the blanket out of Shelli's hands and demanded "What happened
here?" Shelli looked at the blood streaming from Crystal's nose and pulled
out a tissue to stop the flow. David wrapped the child in the blanket and
placed her in the car seat.
Shelli sat in
the deserted Doctor's office. The walls were flanked with Southwestern
paintings. She knew the places. She and her family had visited New Mexico
the previous summer. The pictures haunted her. She remembered carefree
days of hiking the trails.
"Ms. Moore?" the nurse called out. David sat beside her oblivious to their
"Yes?" she answered.
"Please come over to the station so that I can get a blood sample." The
Shelli went into the adjoining room. She sat down on the blue plastic
bench and extended her arm over the desk like top. The nurse approached.
Shelli looked up. The horses hair was long and frizzy. Shelli saw that
wisps of it lay ion the floor and the bench. As the nurse neared, Shelli
saw that her fingernails were long and dirt encrusted.
"Now if you'll just give me your arm, I'll take a teeny bit of blood." The
nurse reached for her arm just as Shelli snatched it away.
"No, you're not taking my blood. This place is filthy. I might catch
something." Shelli snapped.
"Believe me," said the nurse, "I am more likely to catch something than
you are. See I have gloves to protect both of us."
"I want to see the doctor."
"I'll see what I can do," said the nurse.
A small balding man in tan Dockers and a tan plaid shirt came into the
small room. "Ms. Moore why don't you step into my examination room and
I'll be right with you." Shelli walked down the hallway while he and David
talked in the waiting room. She hoisted herself onto the examination
table. The same pictures stared back at her. Cliffs and dwellings could be
seen all around the room. The doctor opened the door and David followed
him into the room. David stood behind her leaning slightly against the
wall. "I understand," began the Doctor, "that you haven't felt well
lately. Why don't you tell me about it Ms. Moore?"
"Well I've had a bad cold and I haven't been able to sleep." She
"Why don't you tell me about the other things that have happened."
"Well, I feel that people are staring at me and talking about me. I can
see them doing this right in front of me."
"Your husband told me about something has that happened to you at a fair
and then Governor Bush calling you right afterwards. Tell me did he ask
you to do anything? He didn't tell you harm yourself or anyone else did
"No." The Doctor's line of questioning confused Shelli. Why would Governor
Bush want her to harm herself. He wanted something of her , but she didn't
know what. She tried to follow the Doctor, but the prints on the wall drew
her attention. They beckoned her from the little gold frames that encased
"Mr. Moore is there anything you can add to this?" queried the doctor.
"No, I think what we discussed in the other room was all that I can give
you," He said.
"The I think," replied the doctor, " what we discussed would be the
appropriate measures to take."
"Thank you , Ms Moore, for stopping by and seeing me. Mr. Moore." The
doctor motioned for the couple to follow him out. David caught her elbow
and lead her to the door. He walked to the car and for the first time in
many years opened the door for her. As soon as she was safely in the car
he walked to the other side and climbed in.
"I don't think he was a very good Doctor. You know he could have given me
something to help me sleep. Then I wouldn't be in this mess," Shelli
"He couldn't help you Shelli. He referred me to a place that could."
"Where are we going?" She asked.
"To the hospital."
"They are going to admit you and keep you under observation. Then we
should know what is wrong with you." David's emitted no emotion. He sat
behind the wheel.
Shelli didn't know what to thin already her mind was racing. White cars
whizzed by. They stopped at lights. They even overtook the blue van. White
lettering stood out . Shelli read the sins as they passed. Hospital ahead
one proclaimed proudly. Shelli watched the white toll booth at the
entrance to the parking garage. David followed the white line to the the
parking spot. White lines imprisoned them on the asphalt. Shelli opened
the door. People wearing white walked slowly toward the building. She in
her white shoe and white shirt followed the parade. Soon very soon two
white doors would bar her from the rest of the world.
The metal door swung shut. Shelli could see David standing a little
further down the hall though the reinforced glass at the top. Head
hanging, David slowly walked away.
"Shelli, my name is Dr Stone," Said a short elderly gentleman to her
right. He held out a medicine cup to her and said" I want you to take this
now. It will help you feel more yourself." He extended his right hand
toward her. In the cup was a small white pill."
He is giving me Tylenol she thought. He is curing me with Tylenol. She
took the cup and lifted it to her mouth. The pill was bitter. A nearby
nurse handed her a paper cup filled with water. She drank it.
The tall lanky nurse motioned her down the hall. It was long and narrow.
In the middle of the hall was a bay of telephone jacks. . On the right of
that was a bay of windows. Further down the hall doors lead to rooms. The
nurse summoned her to a door that bore her name. "This is your room."
She led her to
her room. On the far side of the room was a small dark haired Hispanic
lady. She sat looking out of the window. On the desk beside her was a
bible and various pictures of Jesus and the Madonna. Shelli sat on the bed
nearest the door. The woman did not greet her or even glance her way. She
sat staring out the window. A nurse came into the room with Shelli's hand
bag. "You can have this," she said "but we took the money out and all the
sharp instruments. And I need you to take the shoelaces out of your shoes.
Shelli bent down and removed her shoelaces. The nurse hand her her handbag
and took the laces with her."
"They always do that." the small woman suddenly spoke. " they think you're
going to hang yourself." She moved slowly across the small room. Shelli
saw that she was no bigger than herself.
"let me see this" She pointed to her purse. The lady took out here wallet
and opened it. She took the pictures of her family and displayed them on
the desk in front of her. She took Shelli's card of the Lord's Prayer and
sat that in the midst of all the photographs, "There she said. Now your
family is with a you and you are truly blessed. Come and see mine."
rushed to the window. Shelli followed. It was night. Out of the window she
could make out a courtyard. Across form the courtyard was and entrance
ramp glowing and eerie red. She could make out a long vehicle Form behind
the vehicle that pulled out a gurney. There was a man on the stretcher. He
was completely cover. The lights continued to glow in the darkness. Shelli
was drawn to it.
Finally the light went out. The ambulance slowly proceeded away. Marie as
she had called herself lay on the bed staring up at the ceiling in the
darkness.. Shelli took off her clothes and slipped into one of the gowns
brought her by the nurse. She lay down in the stiff bed and finally fell
asleep for the first time in many days.
The sun peeked through the window. Shelli stirred. Down the hall she heard
a cart being rolled in. She got up to investigate the noise. The resident
of the south side were gathered around the table and one of the aides was
delivering covered trays to them. Shelli sat in a vacant seat as the man
in white weeded thorough the sips sticking out of the trays. "Here is one
for you," He said
Shelli looked down at the tray of eggs, toast, and juice. Her stomach
tightened. Across from her sat a you tall thin blonde man. She guessed him
to be about nineteen. His hair curled about his head like a halo. She knew
him to be an angel. He glanced at her. She smiled. A heavenly creature
bound to this earthly place. No wonder his wrist were covered in bandages.
"What would you like to drink ?" asked the attendant quietly. He noted her
gaze on the boy.
"Can I have some iced tea please?" she inquired.
A white Styrofoam cup was placed beside her hand. The boy looked at it.
Shell drank and thought. The angel continued his gaze which turned into a
glare. "Would you lie some?" She asked.
The boy nodded. She handed him the cup and requested, "may I share this
with him?" of the attendant the attendant rushed to the boys side
replacing the cup with a new fresh one.
The room was cleared all but for a blind man sitting a chair blankly
staring at the television screen. Shelli sat at the table nursing her iced
tea wondering at the angel. He drank the iced tea he had been given and
the crouch on his chair and rubbing his stomach and scratching his head
before heading down the hall.
Shelli a nurse inquired, "Might I get you to help Jesus down the hall to
his room?" "Sure," she responded. She walked over to the brown man and
gently touched his arm. He stood up and she guided him down the hall to
the room marked Jesus.
Shelli went down to the patio. It had been raining off and on all the
while she had been there. She had entered during the heated season. Now
the cooling off had begun. She had nothing but a denim jumper, a pair of
jeans and two shirts, which she alternated. With the cool weather she
stopped wearing her jumper which made the hospital staff think she was
clergy. She had come to know the members of the staff. She knew who cared
of who was just there to get a paycheck. Often they would give her advise
on her family life. Not that she had any family life anymore. David
visited once. She tried to talk to her daughters on the phone
occasionally, but for the most part she was just lost. Monday through
Friday there were classes in which everyone would gather in a big circle
and talk about what kind of tree they would be and why they were that
particular tree. They would go through visualization exercises in which
they would imagine themselves on a beach of mountain side. No one had yet
told her what was wrong with her.
The girls had called her. They were waiting for her down on the patio
along with their grandparents. They sat on the steps leading up to the
terrace of flowers. She could hardly contain her happiness as walked
quickly towards them. Crystal was waiting in her grandmother's arms.
After hellos were spoken to the grand parents Shelli put her hands on Her
oldest daughters face. It had broken out. She ran her palms for her
forehead to her chin. "There she said. Your face will clear."
"Thank you. Mom " She said as she looked quickly to her sister not daring
to look at her grandparents.
Not much was said. The girls sat close to her and each held a hand. The
rested their cheeks on her should. The grand parents were respectively
silent. Crystal wriggled to be let down. She ran across the patio. She
loosened herself from the comfort of her two oldest daughters and
The toddler walked to the main building and then over to the parking
garage. Shelli followed not inhibiting her progress. She went up to the
white cars and touched the one by one. "Mom don't let her go in there.
That's dangerous.!" called Jeanne as she rushed up behind her and grabbed
the child's hand. "I think it's time to go, " she called to her
grandparents who respectively rose from the steps.
Soon they were gone and Shelli sat at a patio table wondering over
Crystal's message of white cars.
Shelli's roommates came and went almost daily. She noted the turnover as
she went to the lounge. She had patted backs and said comforting words to
as many as walked the halls or lay crying on the couches. Yet, no one had
patted her back or smiled in her direction. She received no visitors
except for her morning quizzes with the doctor. She moved freely about the
hospital receiving blood tests and once even a spinal tap. She called home
as often as she could. In this part of the hospital the phones were freely
accessed. They were not like the other ward where the phones disappeared
at certain times of the day. Al her calls home went the same.
"I want a divorce," she said to her husband firmly. "I want Crystal.
"David barely said a word to her. His answer was "You can have a divorce,
but you can't have Crystal." "When you're well we can talk about it."
Shelli began to question her jailers about a release. She never received
an answer. She felt separate and alone. As she was sitting in the day room
a nurse came up to her with the good news." you need to get your things
together the nurse said. "You are being released." Shelli jumped up from
the couch and rushed to her room. She gathered her sparse belongings in
the paper bag and rushed to the phone. "David," she said, I'm being
released can you come pick me up?"
"No, you're not well," He said." there is a reason you are in the
hospital" With that the phone went dead.
"What do I do? "she said to the nurse. "My husband won't pick me up."
"Do you have any family?" asked the nurse.
"No, just my immediate family." She responded.
"What about friends?" the nurse suggested.
"Well I do have a neighbor." she answered.
"Call them and see if they can help you." the nurse replied.
Shelli dialed Sherri's number. "Hello Sherri? This is Shelli, they are
releasing me from the hospital and David won't come pick me up. I have no
place to go."
"Well in that case Shelli. I don't think it would be good for you to come
over hear, but I could help you find someplace to stay." Sherri replied.
"There is a hotel across from the hospital. I could stay there." Shelli
responded. " I have two checks from school. If I could cash them I would
have enough money for an apartment, but I don't have any money for a hotel
"That ok. I can help you out with that. Let me get the kids taken care of
and I'll be there soon." She hung up.
Shelli waited. After an hour Sherri walked through the door. Shelli
stopped at the counter for her medication. . The nurse put it in a plastic
bag and gave it to her. Sherri singed her out. They walked to the parking
garage and from there Sherri drove the two minutes to the motel across the
street. Shelli waited in the car as Shelli went to inquire about a room
for the night. The motel was deserted. Soon the door opened. Sherri
climbed in the white Volvo with something in her hand.
"I got you a room for two nights," she said. "after that you can deposit
your checks in the bank and we will look for an apartment. The clerk said
it was a good thing we weren't here last night. it was full." With that
Sherri pulled the car into a parking spot. "She said the room was up these
stairs. Get your stuff and I'll find it."
With bag in hand Shelli followed Sherri to her new room. Sherri opened the
door to the stuffy room. "Here I'll turn on the air conditioner. Sherri
went to the window unit and flipped a knob. "I brought you a few things to
eat." Sherri said. She pulled out a bag of chips and a bag of sunflower
seeds. "Will you be all right here?" she asked.
"Yeah, I'll be fine." Shelli answered.
"I'll be here tomorrow to check on you and if there is anything you need
just call." with that Sherri was out the door.
Shelli took her clothes out of her brown paper bag. She was wearing her
long sleeve shirt and jeans. The jumper was gone. She'd had a number of
clothes delivered to her over the past months, but the nice ones always
seemed to disappear. All that was left was a pair of sweat pants and a
band booster shirt besides what she was wearing. She took out her
medication. It was in a clear plastic bag with a warning sticker on it.
Beware ... radiation present, it said. Shelli read the label Take
one before for bed. Xyprexa. Take one in the morning and two at bedtime
Depakote. Warning: Can increase effects of medication if taken with
alcohol. Shelli paced them on the sink along with her toothbrush and
toothpaste. She turned the television on. She went to the door. She stood
outside the door for a long time.
She shut the door and then tried her keycard it didn't work. She walked
down to the desk and told the young Hispanic woman working there her
dilemma. "Let me see the card for a minute," the woman said. "I'll re-key
it for you." She took the key and ran it through a machine.
"Thank you," Shelli said.
"Oh it's not safe for you to be out here at night. " The woman warned. "We
have a lot of vagrants.
"ok. Thanks for the warning." Shelli replied.
Shelli found herself outside her door again. Where can I go she thought to
herself. The pool beckoned. Shelli descended the stairs and walked toward
the pool. The night was damp. Sweat clung to her. She stood at the edge of
the pool and hesitated. I bet John Lennon thought he could walk on water
she thought. Do you think you can walk on water she asked herself. "No,
"she answered herself out loud, "I can't walk on water, but I can swim."
With that she dove into the pool and swam across the length of it and
lifted herself out. The denim felt uncomfortable and cool against her
skin. She walked back to her room leaving a water trail wherever she went.
A beat up Volvo pulled into the parking lot. The music blared. Shelli let
herself into the room and quickly changed out of the wet clothing. She
hung it on the hook on the door. She then put on her only other clothing.
In her sweat and t-shirt she started to make her way back down to the
pool. She was met by a couple of black men at the foot of the stairs.
"Hey! what's going on?" one of them inquired.
"Oh nothing." She responded.
"Why don't you show us where your room is and we can go and have a drink."
At the top of the stairs a man in the baseball cap crossed their path. He
lifted the cap in greeting and turned left. The silent black man followed.
Shelli opened the door to her room. The man sat a bottle of Kentucky
Bourbon on the night stand near the still made bed. The unmade bed stood
across the floor.
"How bout some glasses?" He inquired.
Shelli retrieved two plastic glass and the ice that stood by the sink. She
sat them down on the night stand.
Ok this man is from Kentucky she thought to herself, but who is he working
for? I don't know any one in Kentucky.
"Do you want ice? He asked.
"And one for me. No ice."
Shelli took the drink from his hand. She sat on the edge of the bed and
began to question her. Her questions were unheeded. The black man move
closer toward her. He lifted her shirt over her head. He slipped her pants
off of her waist. Shelli wore nothing underneath. She lay out flat on her
back with him over her. She could see the warts on him scrotum. His hand
ran up and down her body and she held him at at batty. His testicle in her
hand. Her body shuddered. She began to cry. Wet drops fell on his legs She
released his grip on her. She sat on the floor. He relieved himself and
wipe the residue across her face. She dressed and a knock came at the
door. The other man spoke softly though the door. In her room her captor
grabbed his bottled and walked out the door. Shelli undressed and climbed
in the other bed.
Shelli didn't slept deeply for the first time and many nights. The clock
read, one. A knock came at the door.
Shelli's stay in the observation ward was uneventful She spent most of her
time walking up and down the halls. The phones would appear and then
disappear like magic. The other inmates kept to themselves. They might say
hello or nod in greeting or passing. They were all warehoused just the
same. In the morning the cart would roll in and serve breakfast. Then a
second smaller cart would follow. This was for morning medications.
Everyone would then sleep or wander aimlessly until lunch arrived. The
trays would be handed out. The residents would eat and then wait for
dinner. The carts would roll in and out and then the next day begin anew.
The staff change by shifts. Shelli got so that she could tell the time of
day by the nurses in attendance.
"It's time to get your stuff, you are going over to the other side today."
Shelli hardly knew what the nurse was talking about. Through the big
double doors was what appeared to be a waiting room. "Gather your things,
She said "Here is a bag for you to put them in." The nurse handed her a
brown paper bag. Shelli scoop the contents lying on the desk into. She put
her gown and the change of clothing that she set out the previous night to
be washed in the bag and follow the nurse through the ward. No one looked
up or even acknowledged her departure. With one fell swoop the nurse slid
a card though the key pad beside the door and click the lock opened.
Shelli paced herself behind the nurse. The room was large with several
couches and chairs flanking the walls. In one corner was a small glass
tellers window. Adjoining the room was a long hallway. She was led into a
room that looked unlike her previous room. There was a large window
looking down onto the street. The walls were painted blue. Carpet covered
the floor where linoleum lay in the acute wing. "the washing machine and
dryer are in here." The nurse pointed to a small room. The dining room is
down the hall . You'll know it when the trays come in." Shelli felt as if
she had been released from prison. All the color seemed to explode around
She went into her. A knock sounded on the door. "Shelli you have a
visitor." A tall figure entered the room. David had been informed about
the change and had made it a point to see her. "I brought this for you he
said and handed her a card.
"And I have this for you." She said and tugged the gold band off her
finger. She placed the tiny gold circle in his hand. His face clenched. He
retreated through the door.
Upon his departure she opened the card and read the sentiment and the
loving words underneath it. She walked across the room and put it in the
garbage can then followed the trays for dinner.
The dining room was large with rows of tables. Prints covered the walls. A
long row of windows covered the far wall. Shelli could see the city at
night. Music filled the air. An attendant handed trays out to the patients
as they walked in. They sat where they chose. Some sat alone while others
sat in groups or pairs. Shelli chose to sit by the windows she looked at
her meal as she basked in the glow of the night's lights. Shelli ate a few
bites. The intensity of the new people got to her. She could feel her
stomach clench. She took a deep breath. Shelli let the music sweep her out
into the city. She drank her tea and was oblivious to the other diners.
Evening filled the air. With her hospital bracelet Shelli was allowed to
go onto the patio. She could go with others, but not alone yet. The others
sat and talked about their lives and smoked cigarettes. Haven given them
up years ago, Shelli sat and observed the patients.
This was a new feeling for her. She had long been pent up .All that was in
her soul sang out. The night was moist, but she was out among the birds
and God's creation. Though darkened the scent of the nearby flowers made
heavy by the damp clung to her. She was free. If only for a little while.
She returned to her room. Late evening was the time the residents forage
for snack. Be unable to eat she searched in the tiny refrigerator in the
TV room for something to drink. Her evening meds had been double tonight.
They still had not told her what she had been taking. Nor had they told
her just exactly why she was in the hospital to begin with. She was
isolated. Her Doctor visited every morning. She was pulled out of group
for it. He always asked the same questions. How are you feeling today? Was
your mother depressed? Does any one in your family have a history of
mental illness? Shelli felt every time she answered that she was giving
the wrong one and searched herself to find the right one. The one that
might release here from this purgatory in which she was trapped. Not only
was she not able to eat, but she wasn't able to focus on anything long
enough to take it in. She felt listless. She did sleep better, but now
that was all she did aside from going out to the patio with her new
companions. This evening she would sit in the TV room until it was time to
go out yet again.
Grape juice. That would do it. She took out two small cups of grape juice
and slowly peeled of the top seal of one. This my body she heard. It has
been given up for you and all men so that sins may be forgiven. She drank.
A joy spread over her.
The door sounded. "Shelli?" she heard
and then a barrage of pounding. Shelli lay very still and slipped once
again into the thick black sleep. Once again the door rattled this time it
opened as Shelli slipped the card into the system.
Sherri opened the door , but could
see a mass of blankets piled on the bed. She surmised her friend was under
them. "Shelli," she started again. Nothing. She reached toward the
blankets. She pulled them back to reveal a head. "Shelli come on, time to
go deposit those checks and look for your new place."
Shelli squinted at the daylight. She
tried to close her eyes and her mind against the out side world, wanting
nothing more than to be lost once again. "There are no checks."
"What? Sherri exclaimed. She walked
toward the phone . She would call David. Maybe he could help her friend.
"David," She started, "this is Sherri.
I'm at the hotel and she won't move. What do I do?"
"I don't know, " replied David "You
probably ought to call the hospital."
"Where is the patient Ma'am?" Shelli
heard a man ask Sheri. She heard metal rattle and bump the outside stairs.
"She right over there in the bed."
"Ma'am? Ma'am? Can you hear me?" said
the male voice.
Shelli burrowed further into the
blankets. Suddenly all warmth left her. She was naked to the world. Shelli
hugged her knees. She could not breathe. An acrid fume assailed her
nostrils. She gasped for air. Her eyes flew open. Before her stood a man
dressed all in white. Beyond him stood another man and her dear neighbor.
She was no longer buried in the warmth and the dark.
"Ma'am, where here to take you to the
hospital. Can you get dressed before we put you on the stretcher?"
Shelli stood up and grabbed the
clothes that were heaped at the bottom of the bed. She walked over to the
stretcher and allowed them to put the white sheet over her and pull it up.
She looked around the room from person to person. Sherri hung her head.
"I'll follow you over in my car." she mumbled.
Shelli rode back across the street in
the ambulance. Once again she found herself in the arms of the nursing
staff in the acute psychiatric wing of the hospital. The place she had
fought so hard to flee had once again swallowed her whole.
Shelli stood at the windows of the
acute ward. She found that if she looked hard enough at the visitors
through the window they would change the direction of their paths. She had
been in the ward for three days. Nothing had changed. The staff was either
receptive or distant. Some of them had taken to calling her princess.
Since she had been there before she knew the rules. In knowing this she
also knew it was time for her to be released to the other side. It was not
much she realized, but yet she would be able to move about freely, call
her daughters and go down to the patio.
Shelli walked through the doors
dividing her from supervised existence to near normal life. At least as
normal as she as she felt safe with. The nurse led her way as she carried
a new paper bag. The faces had changed, but their postures had not.
Figures dressed in robes and carpet slippers stooped over as they sat or
walked in the blue lounge. The television flickered in the TV room, but as
in previous days, the people around it stared blankly at the set.
"Since you been here before and we
have a number of rooms vacant you can choose your room," the nurse told
Shelli knew instantly the one she
wanted. She turned the corridor from the day room and motioned to the
nurse. "I want this one." She had been in the room before. From the second
story window she could see the pool across the street at the motel. The
restaurant's florescent lights beckoned her as they hummed just beginning
to light the way for the night.
Once again, Shelli unpacked her
things from the bag. Her load was light. She had missed dinner and was
hungry . She walked down to the little refrigerator in the TV room and
loaded up. At the door to her room she sat a coke bottle down. The jovial
Santa grinned up at her. She took the flowered bed cover off of her bed
and lay it on the floor. On the blanket she sat two containers of
strawberries, two packages of Lorna Doone cookies, two containers of
peanut butter, and two Sprites. She rested her eyes on the sight. A picnic
for two. Shelli sat on the corner of the blanket she picked up the
strawberries, unwrapped them and chose a big red berry. She bit into it
relishing the sweet, tart taste. He will come.
"Knock, knock," said a voice from the
door. "Do you mind if we come in?"
"No, not at all."
"A picnic. Are you expecting
"No, come on in," Shelli's words
belied her intentions.
"I want to introduce you to my
husband, John" said the willow redhead standing at the doorway.
"Hi John," said Shelli, "Come on in."
She remained seated on her corner of the blanket.
"Bridgette would you like some
cookies?" Shelli inquired as she held up a package of Lorna Doones. "I
have peanut butter."
Bridgette sat opposite of Shelli on
the blanket. She accepted the cookies from Shelli and reached for a tub of
peanut butter. John sat on the edge of the bed furthest from them. In
turn, each woman opened the cookies and unceremoniously dipped them in the
small white tubs.
"John?" said Shelli has she motioned
toward the food on the blanket.
Before she could ask he shook his
"Well, I've got to go," said John.
Bridgette dusted the crumbs off her
legs and stood up. "I'll see you later, ok?" she inquired.
"Sure, I'm not going far." Shelli
replied Shelli put down the cookies and started once again to eat the
strawberries. She cradled the bowl in her hand and crossed over to the
window. Eat here blinked and beckoned.
Shelli had chosen the room for its
location, but she had also chosen it for privacy. Upon walking
into the room several days after she had chosen it she saw a suitcase.
Not a paper bag, but an honest to goodness suitcase standing on the other
side of the room. A bible lay on the night near it. She had
her own bible tucked neatly within her, but no one asked her what she need
if they had she surely would have mentioned this. She crossed the
room so that she could hold it in her hands. She was drawn to it.
She held it briefly and then realizing this belonged to her new roommate
she put it down. Gone was her privacy and gone was her brief new
awakening. She left the room to go to dinner. She took
her tray and sat down. She stared out the window. The others
around her chatted and ate. She listened to the music and stared out
of the window. Having spent what she saw as a sufficient amount of
time over her meal, she gathered her tray and walked toward the trash can.
An attendant stood there. "You are going to have to do more than
just drink tea, Shelli." The portly attendant said to her. I
have it marked here that you haven't eaten since you've been here.
All you do is drink tea."
"I eat," she said
defending herself. "It's just that I can't eat in here. There are
too many people."
The attendant made a
mark on a paper as she dumped the uneaten food in the garbage. She
turned down the hall to go to her room. Once in the room she found a
couple intertwined on the bed opposite hers. Not wishing to disturb
them she walked back out to the corridor, then went into the TV room.
In the TV room Shelli went to the small
refrigerator and scoured it for strawberries. There were none to be
found this evening. She took a Diet Coke and a Dr Pepper from a
nearby cabinet and rummaged in the drawers for Lorna Doones and peanut
butter. After accomplishing her mission, she wandered from room to
room. She would knock at the door of a room and peek in. This
time of night families came to visit. She would receive
introductions or friendly greetings after the knock. She went back to her
room. "Hi ,"she said to the young brunette sitting on the bed as she
walked into the room, "I brought you a Dr. Pepper."
Thanks," the young woman responded as
she took the drink form Shelli's extended hand and placed it on the
nightstand. A young man walked into the room. "This is my
Shelli nodded her head in greeting. "I
will let you two alone, "she said as she retreated toward the people
Shelli sat in the lounge. The cookies
had broken off in the peanut butter. The noise around her became
nearly unbearable, but she couldn't go back to her room. The
nurse had refused to move her again. The couple spent most of their
time in each others arms, either in her room or the TV room. It was
almost impossible to escape them. Now she went into the room to
sleep and was out before the girl awoke. She did go in occasionally
to get something. She always said nice word to the girl complimented
her on her choice of clothing and exchanged a minimum of words with her.
Now that she had her green button she could go down to the patio alone.
And this is what she did from early morning until night.
Shelli," said the nurse, "You need to get your
things and come along with me."
Shelli went into the room. It was empty.
She gathered up her belongings and put tem in the paper bag that the nurse
had given her. Once she had done that she went back to where
the nurse was standing. "You have lost your privileges," the nurse
stated, "and you are going back to the acute wing. You can't rifle through
other people's belongings." The nurse swiped her card in the door
and it clicked to allow entry.
Shelli walked through
the big double doors once again. She had gone backwards though time.
The nurses looked at her from their glass viewing area. She smiled and
they looked away. "All the rooms are occupied so you are just going to
have to make do. Here this is your room." The nurse led her to
an open door. A youngish woman stood there looking out the window.
She wore western wear and her yellow hair was overly permed. She
turned to look at the people who now stood at the door. The woman's
face was bright red.
"This is your new
roommate Colleen." the nurse said.
Colleen turned her head
and resumed to stare blankly out the window.
Shelli took her paper
bag and placed the meager contents in the the drawers of the chest.
She lay down on the bed nearest the door and let her body go.
Shhhhhh sounded the
water in the bathroom. Shelli got up and went to the bathroom door.
Colleen had left the door open. Shelli watched as Colleen scrubbed
at her face with her bare nails.
Gotta get clean, gotta
get clean," Colleen mumbled to the person she looked at in the
mirror. She then dipped her hair under the faucet and scrubbed at
her head with the bar of soap. Shelli decided to let her be. Her
chore was getting and and she was not getting involved with anything that
would keep her there she though as she stumbled over the doorway. At
her feet lay a pile of clothes. She looked at them closer.
They were hers. No doubt her roommate had decided to move her.
She picked them up off of the floor and put them back in the drawer.
Shelli phoned Doctor Stone
"hello," the receptionist answered.
"May I speak to Dr. Stone please?
"I'll see if he is in."
"Hello/ Dr Stone here."
"Dr. Stone, I no longer want you
as my physician."
"I understand, Shelli."
"Thank you, Dr Stone. Good bye"
Shelli laid the phone down. She
had done as her daughter asked. What was next?
"Shelli, You need to get dressed,"
the nurse said." You have an appointment today."
The nurse crossed over to the blinds a
let the light in.
"What is it?" asked Shelli.
"I'm not at liberty to tell you.
You're husband brought you some clothes. Shelli stood up from the
bed to take the jeans and neatly pressed shirt on the hanger the nurse
Once dressed the nurse led her down
A uniformed officer walked into the
room. He headed straight for Shelli.
"I'm here to give you a ride to the
hearing," he said.
Shelli dumbfounded walked behind him.
The nurse opened the door with her key. Shelli walked quickly down
through the second set of locked doors as she stuck closely to the
officers. She smiled as she entered the elevator. Her
reflection grinned back at her. The policeman paused at the door
and waited for her to clear the entrance.
"This way," he said, as he held open the door to the oustide world.
The wind was sharp and crisp. Shelli saw patches of ice on the street. Gone were the summer
festival she knew replaced by the harshness of winter. The officer
held the back door open for her. The car was not a police car in
the manner of cages and locked doors, but a transport vehicle used
solely for this purpose.
Through the streets he brought. Shelli didn't recognize any of the landmarks. It had been so long
since she had been anywhere but the hospital, the journey had her
The vehicle came to a halt. The
officer once again appeared before her and opened the door.
"Follow me," he repeated.
Shelli followed him into a modest
brick building. In the hallway stood a group of people.
David was among them.
"Hello, Ms. Shepard. I am your
attorney. I have been asked by the court to defend you in the
matter of a competency hearing."
"I just want you to know that that man
over there, David Shepard raped me for nineteen years."
David's back stiffened as he heard the
accusation of his wife.
"Ms. Shepard," said the attorney, "if
you just follow me, we'll be starting soon.
Shelli sat at a long table lined with
people on both side. Try as she might she couldn't follow the
order of the proceeding. There are so many people she thought to
herself. She was confused just following their gestures. She
could not keep up with their words.
"Mrs. Shepard? Would you like to
take a moment and tell us about yourself?" A voice came out of the
head of a table. "Do you understand why we're here? This is a
hearing to decide whether or not you stay in the hospital. What do
you have to say?"
Shelli took a deep breath. "I
didn't do anything wrong. I didn't hurt my children. I let
Krystal walk around the block naked. A police officer went by and
didn't stop. She got a bloody nose, but that was because it was
dry out. I didn't hurt myself. I may have gone swimming with my
clothes on, but I didn't do anything against the law."
With that the hearing was over.
Shelli's attorney was the first to leave the room. Shelli tried to
follow him, but it was to no avail. Outside the room, the officer
appeared at her elbow.
"Ms. Moore, you'll have to come with
me now." Once again he led her to the car. Shelli's taste of
freedom was just that, simply a taste.
Shelli was back again in the acute
wing. On her entrance to the ward the nurse held out a stack of
"What is that?" Shelli asked.
"That is your court order. You
are remanded by the court to remain in the acute psychiatric wing of
this hospital for thirty days.
Thirty days in the Intensive Care Unit
meant no going outside. It meant no smoking. Shelli had
recently required the habit. It meant loss of all freedoms.
Shelli would wake at six o'clock am every morning to a breakfast
selected for her. She would shower every morning after breakfast.
She would then pace the halls after her shower until lunch arrived.
Shelli would then pace the halls until dinner arrived and then she would
prepare for bed. The only thing that would alter her schedule
would be the arrival of the doctor. Her new doctor arrived any
time of the day.
So for thirty days Shelli ate, slept
and woke according to her time clock. The white walls bore down on
her. She refused to take her medication. It prevented her
from breathing at night and once she took it she was out. The
nursing staff told her if she would take her medication and comply with
their orders she would get an early reprieve. Looking for the
light at the end of the tunnel Shelli did as they wished. The day
came. The taxi was called and she was headed home.
There is much hope for peace for the bipolar Christian.
under the care of a doctor, or if you’re taking prescription
medication for any reason, DO NOT discontinue it unless you have
orders from your doctor.
Jesus made this statement:
They that are whole need not a physician; but they that are sick.
This Scripture clearly suggests that even though Jesus
was using an analogy of a human physician to reveal that
He is the healer of the soul ... Jesus acknowledged that
there were human physicians needed for the body at times
when our body is sick. God works thru the hands of many
physicians. Just as God's Spirit will work thru this
program to heal your soul.