Lost and Found
Pssssssssssssssssst ... Come walk and talk with me. I need to show you something that is so very important. Let us begin, shall we? What do the words, I once was lost but now am found really mean? It means to be so very lost in the darkness usually within our own self induced Spiritual prison. We have experienced trials and tribulation which have brought forth pain, anguish and suffering. We are hurt. We are confused. We are angry.
We are ... Lost.
Yeah, I know you because you are just like I was. But, let me tell you something. You have no idea what lost truly is. You have no idea what pain and suffering truly are. But, hey ... It is us that is experiencing the discomfort within our soul. It is us that was hurt. So, you better believe that we believe that we are suffering beyond the imagination of anyone else.
And you know what we seek first don't you? We start looking for a scapegoat. Someone to blame ... Anyone. Most times it is easy to find someone to blame. After all, they did do something to us. Sometimes, there are circumstances that sprung forth in our lives that we believed to be way beyond our control which were overwhelming. So, we are happy to blame that.
For example:
- Parents divorced.
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A loved one died.
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I was put up for adoption when I was little.
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I was raped by a family member.
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I was beat by my spouse.
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I was bullied at school.
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My spouse left me.
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My kid got caught breaking the law.
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My co workers and friends constantly gossip about me.
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My best friend started dating my ex.
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My boss hates me.
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We had a miscarriage.
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My friend committed suicide.
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I got in an another car crash.
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My friend is addicted to drugs.
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My parent is an alcoholic.
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Cancer has struck my family again.
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My teen daughter is pregnant.
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My family is being evicted.
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My friend was killed by a drunk driver.
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Our house got robbed. Everything is gone.
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I lost my job because of the economy and down sizing.
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My spouse is addicted to porn.
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I was robbed.
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I was raped.
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My spouse is having an affair.
I Once Was Lost Reasons
Maybe it is something that we ourselves did instead of what someone else did. Maybe we created the circumstances that brought on the trials and tribulations that have us in such "anguish" ...
For Example:
- I cheated on my spouse.
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I hit or even killed someone drinking and driving.
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I cut myself even though I know it will upset anyone I show.
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I flaked out on my job and got fired.
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I gossip about my friends ... Which is why I lost them all.
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I don't try to see the bright side of things. I would rather have the attention.
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I've closed everyone out of my life.
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I wear a mask everywhere I go so no one can really see how I feel.
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I dress provocatively just to get people to look at me.
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I know when I drink too much I do horrible things, but I just don't want to stop drinking.
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I cursed God and told Him I hated Him.
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I fantasize about someone else other than my spouse.
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I had an abortion.
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I broke the law.
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I am/was involved in witchcraft.
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I abused my child.
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I hit my spouse.
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I was involved in a gang ... And all the things they do.
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I robbed someone.
These are just a few of the I once was lost examples ...
Maybe your own mistake or crime that is to blame or something
horrible that was committed against you is not listed there, but you
get the idea. In the end, we truly believe that we are too far gone
to be reached. We ponder on thoughts such as:
Is there really any hope? Or am I as washed up as I think I am?
It is too late to get help anyway ... With the way I am.
Most have no clue what I really am deep within.
I've tried to seek people before to help, and no one can seem to help me.
Besides, why would I want to look for help?
Nothing I have ever tried has helped.
Counselors, Shrinks, Self help books.
NONSENSE !!!
I'm just TOO screwed up ... I guess.
All the meds, doctor visits, time spent "accepting who I am" ... When
I hardly even know who I am, or what the point of my life is
supposed to be!
I do not like who I am !!!
So, why should I accept it?
Or maybe you are one of those, I once was lost souls who are not so
far gone ... yet. We whisper to our self, My problems are not
that big of a deal. I know people have it a lot worse than me. I know
sometimes I feel like my problems are overwhelming ... But why would
someone spend time with me and my problems when there are so many
others that seem to have it worse. Even if I can't think of others
right now ... I'm sure others are going through as much pain or more
pain than I am. I don't want to burden anyone with my problems. I'll
just live with em and deal with 'em myself. There is nobody to help
anyway.
I Once Was Lost Pity Path
Oh Yeah, I remember those early days well. But wait ... There's more.
We suddenly begin to seek excuses as to why we should not even try,
such as ... I don't have enough hope. Enough hope for what? Just
hoping that I can make it through another day? I know some people
think that you can't get better until you believe you can ... But
many days I really don't believe I'm ever going to get better. How
can things change if deep down I know they just can't?
I'm too damaged to do anyone any good so why try?
I'm just passing time everyday awaiting until when I can go back to
sleep again. Some days I don't even get up. I'm just existing. I'm
not even living. Sometimes I don't want to be around other people
because I don't want them to get the negative vibes I give off. Who
wants to be around someone that feels depressed, or hopeless, or
shameful, or miserable most of the time?
I've pushed God aside for too long, He will never take me back now. I
know people say in the Bible that God has never left ... But I really
do feel sometimes like it's just too late. I already told God I hated
Him. I can't take that back as much as I want to sometimes. Isn't
that the unforgivable sin that keeps me out of heaven anyway? I've
hardened my heart too much, now I can't even feel God.
God allowed me to choose what I wanted ... Now it's too late to turn
back. I know we each have free will and I spent too long of my life
living for myself. God just can't ... Forgive and forget that.
Oh, the memories of the I once was lost mindset.
I remember well, because I said the same things.
I Once Was Lost Blame Game
I remember wondering where God was during all my days of suffering.
Many days I blamed God for how I felt. I mean seriously ... If He
would just snap His fingers, I could have been better. God could have
prevented all of the trauma and drama in my life from ever happening
if He wanted to.
Some days I think He just doesn't care enough about me to fix it all.
Some days ... I questioned His existence.
And once we take God out of the equation, then the sorrow within
evolves at a more rapid rate as there is now truly no hope.
More whispers echo within, and our thought process becomes dependent
on the depressive state of mind and heart we have chosen to
place ourselves within whether we made the choice consciously or not.
Then
comes the denial stage ...
Yes, I once was lost. I did not think I needed any help or I just did
not want the help, might be a better way to put it. God was not in
the picture because I did not think He cared. I believed that God did
not have time for me and I do not have time for Him. Besides, you
have no idea what I did in my past. I can hardly forgive myself.
So, how would God ever be able to forgive me?
I remember the doubt growing within me too.
I Once Was Lost But Now Am Found Hope
You know ... I almost felt more powerful or stronger when I just
tried to convince myself that I didn't need God or counseling or help
of any kind. I'm not sure why really ... It just made me feel better
thinking that bad things just happen and that is the way it is and no
far off deity could come and make it all better. Maybe, I liked the
independence.
Yet, at the same time I depended on others to pity my misery.
Complaining about our problems is so much easier than getting help is
it not? I suppose that part of me likes the attention I get. People
don't really pay attention if you aren't in pain or they can't pity
you.
And even if they do, it only lasts a while and you have to find
others to pity you because the ones that were listening, start
disappearing. Like they thought it would never end so they bailed.
Does it ever end though?
I never tried to help myself. I mean, sure, I went to therapy and
stuff sometimes, but I was wanting them to fix me without me putting
much effort into it. I didn't really want anyone's help anyway. I was
sick of the hurt ... But accepting it became easier than fighting it.
No one would ever really understand what I was going through anyway.
So, why bother?
Yes, that's right ... I fed the fire with the choice to harbor
those thoughts too.
Now, I'm in so much more pain today, because of my choices. I was too
stubborn to reach for God and ask for help and then started doubting
that He even existed.
I did not want people to bother me with the nonsense of Christianity
or bother me with the foolishness that I would "go to hell" if I did
not believe in Jesus. Just leave me alone !!!
Oh yeah ... How rude of me.
I suppose this would be a good time to introduce myself ... I once was lost and now I am found in a place I want to show you.
