Purity Publications

The Truth of Alissa Lynne

Young Adult to Adulthood

Chapter 2

by Alissa Lynne - Purple Butterfly of Christ

Christianity Oasis Ministry

There is a force out there that is attempting to overtake us all; it is Satan. There is another force that is protecting us from him; it is the Holy Spirit. It is a battle for souls. This battle is called Spiritual Warfare, and like it or not, you are right in the middle of it.

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The Truth of Alissa Lynne

Purple Butterfly

by Alissa Lynne - Purple Butterfly of Christ

Chapter 2 - Young Adult to Adulthood

As I moved out of childhood and into a teenager, I still believed in the fairy princess ending. I loved the stories with the "Happy Ending" and believed it would come for me. I wanted to believe everyone and wanted to believe that I was going to be loved. I had experienced the worse thing to me ever and that was rejection from my first boyfriend. I wanted to be loved so much and wanted him to care for me. When he rejected me for another girl, I thought that my whole world was ending until the next guy said hello. I just wanted love and more love. Low self esteem, misguided trust, little adult supervision and teenage hormones are a very bad combination for a young woman.

Wow, Freedom! My dad realized I was not playing and refused to be bullied anymore, why it took me until then I do not know but I put it behind me or so I thought. On the occasions that he was around, he would still try to manipulate me into doing him a "favor". Those days were over, I was no longer a little girl, and I was every parent's nightmare...a teenager. He was not around at all anymore; he would come to the house about once every month. My sisters were lost, but my mom and I had new found freedoms. My mom would go out and the house was my domain. My mom did not pay attention to me much those days as she was enjoying her new found freedom.

When I was sixteen until about 25 years old, I was built with a small waist and big bootie but no boobs until about 23 years old. I had a flat chest and it was one of the jokes about me, I would go around wearing band aids as a bra. I was no longer a virgin and found a few new places to hang out. Downtown Pittsburgh during the days and the under 21 spots at night, both downtown Pittsburgh and Bridgeville had under 21 nights on Sundays. It depended on whether or not I could get a ride as to where I went. I had to get a ride at least to pick me up to go downtown because I could walk to the under 21 club in Bridgeville. There were many male friends but from the age of sixteen to almost eighteen, only four of them stick out to me the most. There was Gary, Jim, Jerry, and Josh. I met the last three at an under 21 club and I was wearing the same hoochie mama dress when I met them. It was a really cute dress, black with white polka dots, it was short, hit right above the knee, and showed cleavage, even though I did not have cleavage then. Whenever I wore that dress, I would get a lot of attention. I can remember meeting all four of them. I met Gary first, then Jim, then Jerry, and then Josh.

Gary was introduced to me by my uncle the summer of my 16th birthday. Let me give you a little background, my uncle is two years older than me. When I was younger I would spend some time at my grandmother house in the summers for about a week, she lived in Ohio. My uncle was her youngest child, my mother's one and only brother. When I became a teenager, I would go for two weeks and it would be two weeks with no sisters or brother, it was peaceful. By the time my uncle was 13 years old, he would leave me at the house when he went with his friends, that was okay then for I was eleven and considered him and his friends weird. When I was 13 years old, I wanted to hang out with him and his friends but he did not want me to be around, so he was still leaving me at the house. One summer I refused to stay behind any more and whined my way to going with him to the drive in. He had a date that night but my grand mother told him that he had to take me. She gave him money for me to go and for his entire date. So my uncle picked out his "safest" friend to introduce me to and Gary was goofy looking, tall, dark, skinny, with bug out eyes, but he was a talented writer. He was 18 and he just broke up with his girlfriend that he had all through high school...I still remember her name too...Debbie. We had a ball that summer. I stayed for three weeks. It was just the four of us: my uncle, Gary, my uncle's girlfriend, and I. We did everything under the sun, we would stay out late and sleep late – it was one of the best summers of my young life. Gary and I made out, but never took it too far; my uncle threatened him beyond belief so he remained respectable with me. Purple Rain was the summer movie and I was already a huge Prince fan, so I was having a ball. Needless to say, Gary lived in Ohio and I lived in Pennsylvania, so when I went home, the first phone bill was $700.00. My mother hit the roof!! She allowed him to visit for a weekend. I found out later, she figured it was okay for he was not going to be around long. My dad was not happy about it and actually tried to get me to do him favors for allowing Gary to come. I threatened him by telling him that I would tell my mom and the police, since their relationship was failing, I won that battle. Gary and I dated all summer long, we wrote to each other constantly and when he could call me, he would. My mom would allow me to call him, but she monitored the length of the conversation. One day I received a letter from Gary informing me that he was dating his high school girlfriend again and that she was pregnant. He told me that I was a "good girl" and he needed a woman, someone to give him sex as he was a man, so my second lesson was if I wanted the guy to stay with me, I had to give him sex. The first lesson was given to me by Eric, be prepared for another girl to catch the eye of your boyfriend and never trust him to be faithful to just you. Now, at this point I had started seeing Jim, so when I went to my grandmother's house for Thanksgiving, Gary stopped by to see my uncle who was home on leave from the service. He wanted to talk to me and explain the situation and wanted to still see me, I told him to get over me and hit the road.

In those days, I was quick to "fire" a guy. Most guys in my life never lasted more than a month. After Eric, I was quick to fire boyfriends for the trust factor was not there with them. I trust no one for a long time, for as you will see, I trust the wrong people in my life. Gary was the first after Eric to last more than a month, he lasted four months with the last month me dating someone else. Until my late 20s, I was never without some one in my life, whether serious or just someone to "kick" it with. Most of the guys in my life during my teenage years only lasted about a week or so, if they were not making sense or I felt like they were lying to me at any time, I would kick them to the curb. I was used to it. There is a guy who lasted one month that needs to be mentioned. I was venturing downtown a lot and hanging out with Eric's little sister. She had met a guy name V and he had a brother named V2...she wanted me to meet him. So I said cool...we would talk on the phone but had not met yet. I did not actually ever meet him, because I found out that he knew who I was and was using me to get to my dad. See my dad had another daughter who is only two years younger than my sisters. Well when V2 found out that Eric's sister was my friend, he wanted to get the hook up for my dad had stopped paying child support for his sister, so they needed my dad's contact information. I was forbidden to see V2, but V2 did not want to see me anyhow. It was all just a game.

I met Jim whom I called Jimmy, at the under 21 club in Bridgeville. He was a great dancer and so much fun. It was the summer of 1985, He had graduating in 1985. It was the first time I wore "the dress". I was working at the local restaurant called, Pappans and it was right next to the Under 21 club, and it was called VIP. I changed my clothes in the bathroom of the restaurant for my mom brought my clothes and took my work clothes home for me. I had made a big tip that day and I gave her $20.00 to drop that stuff off for me. He said something about me looking nice and we danced the night away. I remember that night so well, because I told him that my mother was picking me up. He actually asked to kiss me and for my phone number. He was so sexy, tall dark and handsome. He was always making me laugh. He had a car and a license. I was 17 years old and thought I was grown. We would talk all the time on the phone, my mom was working a lot of overtime, or so she said. I never really believed that, for when she was working I would get in trouble for tying up the phone lines for so long. I had learned if she did not call by 1 hour after starting her shift, she would not call. I know that she had male friends. Well, Jim was considered a danger to me, when my mom met him, she started to really get on me about having sex, well by the time she started that speech it was too late. Jim was telling me that he loved me and that we were going to get married and all kinds of stuff. I wanted to hear that he wanted to marry me, all I wanted at this point was to be loved, to be treated special and for someone to want to spend the rest of their life with me. I was seeking security and love in all the wrong places and in the wrong manner. Like many women, I confused sex for love and when he wanted sex from me he got it, it did not matter where we were. He got it in his car, he got it behind the club hall near my house, he got it in the woods, and wherever he wanted it, he got it. We walked to the elementary school one day and he got it on the dumpster, I was such a willing participant as long as he was telling me how beautiful, sexy, and how much he loved me. I did not tell him; I thought to myself, if we kept doing it, I would get pregnant. I wanted to get pregnant so badly. We were "dating" for a while. I wanted him to take me to my Homecoming dance, but he did not have a job and was getting ready to go into the army. I remember spending Homecoming night at my house hanging out together, my mom was home and she kept sending my sisters in to check on us. We had already had sex that day several times, so she was a little late. I learned from him that you could have sex in the house and your parents not even know it, if you would fake it...by talking while you are "doing it". I learned also that when you have sex and did not want any one to know, you better wash up and spray the room with air freshener a few hours before your parents come home.

I was still going to the under 21 clubs and meeting guys, but no one was given any of my serious attention until I met Josh in the beginning of November, 1985. By this time, Jim was fading out of my life because he was telling me that he was leaving to go to the army, but what I did not know was that I was not the only girl and one of his other girlfriends really did get pregnant. I did not find this out until he came home for leave after leaving to go to the army. It was not a bad break up or anything like that, he just left and by that time reality had kicked in and I knew that we were not going to get married. He actually ended up marrying the pregnant girl, but after his first trip home, I loss touch with him. I did not enjoy the sex with him; it was just as though it was a requirement of me because I was his girlfriend. With him, it was just the fun we had. He was a lot of fun to be with and hang out with. He was always full of compliments and attention for me; I was treated like a princess. I believe that is what he called me. I loved the attention from a man.

Each guy taught me or offered me something I hold onto even to this day. Gary taught me writing and expression through words, Jim taught me laughter and to have fun, Josh taught me comfort and Jerry taught me compatibility.

The interesting thing with Jerry and Josh was that I met them both at the same place within two weeks of each other. Jerry was working at the time at Burger King at the Greyhound bus station and had to work that night that I met Josh at the club. I was dancing with Josh and let him know that I had a boyfriend but we could be friends. Jerry and I truly started out as friends. We would talk on the phone all the time. As time goes on, Josh and I broke up because that is what I did. I never let any guy get too close to knowing me because of the surgery and because of my horrid past. I did not trust any one. My "dad" was still approaching me during my dating of Jerry but it was less often for he spent most times away from us. I was happy for a minute with all the guys but then eventually it was over. It was fun while it was challenge but when the normal part of a relationship would be required; the ending of the relationship was required. Well since Josh and I started out as friends, it was okay for us to continue to talk.

I did not enjoy sex at all back then; I did not even enjoy kissing. I did it because it was what was expected of me or I thought it was after a guy confessed undying love for me. I had at this point of my life from the age of 13 to the age of 17, 3 boyfriends and about 15 encounters with guys who meant nothing much to me. I liked sex for what it made me feel like in the beginning, the words of declaration and love was what I wanted to hear. I was kicking sex to anyone that would talk to me as I wanted love.

When I was 17 years old, on January 21st, 1986 – I found out that I had cancer. I had been having problems with going to the bathroom; there was blood in my stool. I did not think much of it being a teenager and not thinking twice about it. My family has been known for stomach problems and I was scared to death, I actually thought that the problem was because I was molested all those years and thought it was my punishment. One day while I was in the bathroom, nothing but blood came out and I could not stand up. I called my mom to the bathroom and she rushed me to the doctor's office. Back in those days you could call your doctor's office with an emergency and are seen the same day...remember those days. Anyhow, the doctor was very laid back and told my mom that it was probably just hemorrhoids and set up an appointment for me to go to the hospital the next day to get an lower GI done...okay remember when that used to happen and you did not have to wait weeks for appointments or for testing at the hospitals. My mom tells the doctor that my father just had surgery a couple years before for cancer of the colon and the doctor told her that I was too young and not to worry about it. So, off we go to the hospital to have a lower GI done...let me tell you, if you have never had one done, I pray that you never have to have one done. I hated it. Well then the results come back and the doctor's order more test, I had an upper GI and a few other test that including scoping my systems and others that I do not remember. Mind you during all of this, I am considered a minor so my mom is handling all of this, not saying much to me about it. Well then, finally, it is time to meet with the doctor. So we go to the appointment, this was on January 31, 1986 – I am told that I have familiar polypsis and it is colon cancer. I am told that they have no idea how far it has spread because it is showing up on both the lower and upper GI. They inform my mom that it may even have spread to my stomach and until they go in, there is no way they will truly know what the deal is. Well, they schedule my surgery for February 5, 1986. Now understand this is a Friday we are told on and on the following Wednesday, I am to have surgery. I had no time to react to this. I was told that I would most likely end up with an ileostomy if the cancer is just in my intestines and if it were farther than that, they would discuss the options with my mom. I found out later that they did discuss the option prior to the surgery with my mom but no one wanted to tell me and even to this day, I do not know what the options were. My mom was in the middle of my step father leaving her, well not officially leaving her, but really in the coming and going when he felt like it stage of their marriage. She is worried about me as I was really sick. She had just dedicated her life to Jesus and she was fighting demons left and right in her life. My grandmothers' were still alive and my aunt lived right down the street from the hospital. For my mom that was a blessing for her to have family around her during this time. I remember her telling me how she cried one night about me and what was going on with me, and God comforted her telling her that I was not hers, that I was a gift and I belonged to God and she needed to let go and let Him do His wonders. When she first told me that, I thought she was off her rockers, but now I know what she means as I look at my own child and realize what a gift he truly is and how I am blessed with him but he is God's child whom I am "borrowing" as mine. Well here is the miracle, the doctors went in and when they got to my intestines, not only was the cancer located in one space, it was located so neatly, that the surgeons could not believe how neat the cancer was inside of me. The one surgeon said he could not have asked for a better situation, and he said that if ever did see God's work on someone, it was that day, as it was the easiest surgery he had ever performed. I had to come away from the surgery with an ileostomy but I came away from the surgery with my life. I was of course devastated with the ileostomy since I was 17 years old and was trying to be sexually active and of course thought it was the end of the world. For those of you that do not know what an ileostomy is, my rectum was closed and my bowel movements were sent through an external bag on my body that was noticeable to anyone when I was without clothes and sometime noticeable when I had clothes on. My heart goes out to all that have to endure this kind of device as it is not easy. I spent 19 years with one; I am blessed to no longer have one. I spent my 17th birthday in the hospital all the time being really quiet and withdrawn, this had my family concerned and I was truly lost for words, I am never lost for words but I was at this time, so I ended up just pulling within myself. I had just survived cancer and from being molested, I was a numb individual. So I did all that I could think of at that time, I joined church and was healed but could not commit myself completely to Jesus at that time. I started hanging out in the streets and doing whatever I thought I was grown enough to do. I was what I call a "hoochie mama" looking for love in all the wrong places. I have learned that many victims of molestation react in this manner and I have come to repent and understand where I was at that time in my life.

I tried to date Josh during the time of my health issues but unknown to me he started to date my friend at the time, Leah. Well no one told me and I was talking to Josh one day and told him about how slutty Leah was in my mind and busted her. Needless to say, she and I were no longer friends after that. I believe with all that I had been through, I did not connect with anyone unless they served some kind of purpose to me. Leah no longer serves a purpose and I believe that is why I just kicked her to the curb after our argument about Josh. I was hard on not just my male friends but my female friends too. Josh and I did not talk much after that for awhile, until I decided to go to college in summer of 1987.

I went to college a year after I graduated from high school. We did not have the money and I really did not have the motivation either. Therefore, that summer, I went to college and guess who was located on my very same floor at that time. It was Josh!! Well at that time, I was dating a guy named Sean. I thought I had finally met my love match; we did all kind of things together. He took me places and did stuff with me. Josh could not stand him and Sean could not stand Josh. I was only friends with Josh even though I would flirt but it was safe with him as far as I was concerned. I would go to his room and we would talk. I would iron his clothes and be like a big sister to him as he was always so attentive and listened to what I had to say. I wanted someone to listen to me. I would give him back rubs and nothing would ever happen. I was dumb enough not to know that he was setting me up. I was dating Sean, who would pick me up and bring me home from school or drive me back to school. During my short break between summer classes and fall classes, my mother told me that she had something to tell me. We go to the park and just talked. She proceeded to tell me that Sean was married and did not tell me. I was devastated. I was so hurt and so angry. I confronted him and of course, I got "my wife does not understand me", I still talked to him while I was home and my mom was so angry with me. I wanted to believe him; I did not want to believe that someone else I trusted would hurt me like that. I went back to college for fall semester and I ended the relationship. I had heard at one point that he changed his life around and was now a minister. I started a "friends with benefits" relationship with Josh after that, it lasted for 15 years.

Josh and I went through a lot during those 15 years and I am thankful for his friendship during that time for I learned a lot about people through him. He was a constant friend with benefits for 14 years of the 15-year friendship and always there to hold my hand when things went wrong with the men in my life. He never judged me or expected anything of me until one day he did and that was the end of our 15-year friendship. One of the reasons why I was able to be a "friend with benefits" with him so long was because he never pressured me. If I called, he came. If I need help financial, he was there. If I wanted to just talk, he would talk to me. We were like that for years. I will mention him throughout the rest of the story.

I ended up leaving college after one year between my grades and money, I could not do it. I really started in college to just give sex to any man who wanted me. I wanted to be loved and held by anyone that I thought would give me the love that I so desperately wanted. It did not work that way. Men would not care that I had an ileostomy, the external pouch. They just wanted the sex from me and all I wanted was to feel love. I thought that love was sex. I did not enjoy it at all, but it was what they wanted. I wanted to get married, I wanted to be loved. I was smoking and drinking whatever I could so that I could let myself go and just be able to live each day without feeling as if I was worthless. At this point in my life, in college, all I did was party and sleep around with men. I had started to get obsessed with being someone's girlfriend. I had got to the "stalking" stage of men that I was obsessed with. It was as I was challenged by it. I remember one of my obsessions actually had a friend in college be there when he told me although I was nice; he just did not want to be with me. I was the kind of girl that tried to win them over with cooking for them, taking guys out to eat and try to buy their affection and love. The really strange part of it all was it was just to get their attention. Once I had their attention and all that, I would kick them to the curb, no longer wanting their attention. It was if all I wanted was the challenge of getting them to "want" me, give them what they wanted and then kick them to the curb. I was thin then, after the cancer, I had lost a lot of weight, and was 5 ft 6 in tall weighing in at about125 pounds. I was just a cute thing but so desperate for love. So what I did was go hang out with the football players and of course ended up being a "side" for one of the players. Oh he was such a cutie, we partied all the time. But one day, I was hanging out with him, and his cousin was there. His cousin and I was talking about dumb stuff, while the guy I was side seeing said he had to go check something out for his girlfriend and asked me not to leave. He had an apartment on campus at the time. Well you know how you know you should not listen and follow your first instinct; well I did not do so. His cousin and I was sitting just talking, drinking some beer. He starts to tell me that his cousin said how much fun I was and that I was wasting my time with him, as he was going to be the one who made the money and a sister as fine as me needed to be with him. Well, I did not like him, he was not a challenge, and I blew him off. Wrong thing to do, the next thing that I knew, I was sitting there with blood dripping from my lip and body just sore. I was good at blocking things out of my mind at that time, but the cousin had beaten me pretty bad and raped me. My roommate at the time tried to get me to go to the hospital, but I went to the campus nurse and made her promise not to tell my mom. I thought in my mind that I asked for him to beat me and rape me. Well in my mind, that pushed me to the point of just giving men what they wanted when they wanted. It could not get any worse than that to me.

While I was in college, I met a couple female friends and we would hang out. When I quit college, one of the girls from college became a friend outside of college. My wild days and nights would not be allowed in my mom's house. At this point, my mom was saved and attending church. I was going with her once again, but was not trying to live right. I was dating guys in the church and giving them all they asked for. When they were first starting to talk to me, they thought I was an innocent girl as that is what I wanted them to think. I went as far as making each of them think that the first time we had sex was the first time I had sex. I had guys wanting to leave their girlfriends and wives. There were guys leaving them too, only for me to reject them. It was so satisfying to me to reject them and ignore them. I really was just out there doing whatever I thought I could. As I stated, I met a new friend in college who was almost as wild as I was. So when she came home from college, we started hanging out, we were not 21 yet but going to the bars to hang out.

There were about six of us females, and I thought I was the "hot" one of the group. I loved a challenge; I was stealing women's men. I really could not stand the fact that there were black men dating white women, so if I saw that, I would put in all my efforts into getting him to stop talking to her. One thing I was learning was that men were just not to be trusted with my heart. I could walk past a guy and just walk a certain way, dance a certain way, look at him a certain way and whatever woman he was with had no chance. I have seen them take her home and come back praying that I was still there. I learned how to juggle more than one guy at a time in their presence. I was NO ONE'S woman and they knew that I was a free spirit. I am guessing that was part of the attraction to them. Some men wanted to tame me, but it just did not work. I was sleeping with whomever I wanted to sleep with. So I should have not been surprised when I found out that I had gonorrhea. I was so angry as no one would tell me who had it to give it to me; of course, I got it all by myself. Let me tell you that was the most embarrassing doctor's appointment. I thought I was pregnant and there for a pregnancy test to find out I had a STD. Well, you would think that would stop me. Once they gave me the shot, I went right back to having sex. I was still having unprotected sex all the time. I was living on my own at that time as my mother was so upset with my lifestyle and what I was doing, she was concerned for me but had her own issues going on at that time, so I was not on the top of her list of things to do. I actually moved out of her house because she made me angry and moved in with two high school friends. Well that was not a good idea, all that partying meant that I was not going to be able to give up my half of the rent, but we sure did have a lot of parties and fun. Josh was still in college and coming home for vacation and what not. He had a car then and would come visit me. We had at this point already been having sex, I thought I was in love with him and I thought that we were just going to get married one day. I believe that he thought once I stopped acting like a slut that we would. I went on like this walking around and just doing whatever I thought I could with men until about the age of 24.

When I was 24 years old, I was back living at home. My mom was working my last nerve about getting a good job and just getting my life straight. So what did I do, I ran. I went to live with my father in Denver. I went to live with his "other" family. I learned that you could not run from your problems, they just follow you. I loved the city and I met some pretty cool people, but my history with men followed me. I wanted to start a new life so when I met this really nice recently divorced guy with two kids, I thought that things would be better for me. Well he ended up going back to his wife and I was so hurt, I went immediately back to my old ways. I wanted someone to love me. I had started dating a few guys at one time and it was just so ridiculous how I was trying to get one of them to marry me so that I did not have to be alone or take care of me. I did not want to work and I did not want to be in my father's house. His wife and I did not get along so I spent more and more time away from them. I was working two jobs at the time trying to get the money together to get my own place. His wife did not buy groceries and acted as they were too poor to have me there. So one day she took her daughters and me to a shelter to do some charity work. I did not think nothing of it, I thought cool, do something good for others. She was setting me up. When we were done helping out in the kitchen, we got to eat lunch and then we got a tour of the facility. As we are getting the tour, she turns to me and says to me that this is a nice place for me to come until I get on my feet. Now mind you we were in a homeless shelter. I did not say a word, and when we got back to their place, I cried my eyes out and decided to call my mom. I rode a bus from Denver to Pittsburgh, so glad to be out of that house. I arrived back home as the prodigal daughter and so tired and so broke. God was nowhere in my mind. I did go to church while in Denver, as I have throughout my life but never on a regular basis and never with much feeling or hope of seeing what "all the fuss" was about. But God has something for me to learn and I just did not want to learn what He was trying to teach me.

Okay, so you have to understand that I was not trying to hear God's word and He sent His word to me in many fashions and people. He tried to reach me but I was not trying to hear Him. Well then, I started to gain weight, I am not talking about a little bit, but a lot of weight at one time. I was so lost as to what was going on with me, but as I noticed there was a lump growing on the side of my neck...hum did I think to go to the doctor's after all I had been through with the colon cancer...come on now that would be too much like right. I had just landed a position with a great company. I did not want to go to the doctor to see what was wrong. My mom was overcoming her loss of my grandmothers and urged me to go to the doctor to get it check out. So I made an appointment, and I went to the doctor to get sent for a test. I end up getting a call from the doctor's office to come back for a follow up...and my doctor informs me that it is a cancerous goiter and it needs to be removed. He sends me to the specialist, and we schedule the surgery. I was not happy with this but oh well. I was living at home at the time because I was trying to get my own place. I ended up living at home for a while and that caused some serious issues as I was still being a "hoochie mama". So I go to have surgery and I ended up doing this by myself...my mom came to visit but I found out later that she had a lot going on in her own life. She was living with a man whom was a drug addict, there were many issues going on at that time, and she was with him dealing with that. I remember sleeping and waking up to her being there and I remember that she did not stay long and I was so resentful of her for leaving me. I have come to realize now why, God is good to me and has opened my eyes to so much but at the time, I did not understand. The doctors were amazed that I was able to come through as I did and sent me home two days later. This was August 24, 1994, that I had the surgery. I came home and recovered nicely from the surgery, but the battle just begun and I had no idea how much the thyroid controls in your body. I have been up and down in my weight since then, I have had bouts of depression because of the pain in my heart and the pain in my body. It was the beginning of the awakening in me. The weight gain due to my thyroid issues was very devastating to my ego and what self-esteem that I had left. I lost what was left of it once I started putting the weight on which made me think that no one was going to want me anymore. At this time, I went from a size 6 to a size 12 and though I still looked good, I saw myself as fat and just ugly. Up until this point, I thought I was ugly and that it was my body that got the men to look. I was barely wearing clothes; the tighter it was the better it was to me. The more I showed the more attractive that I thought I was. I never wanted any one to get to see who I was for I did not see myself as smart or intelligent. I thought I was dumb and this is why I could not keep the boyfriend's attention. I had no idea at that time that I was selecting from the bottom of the barrel. I found a place of my own, move out of my mom's house, and never returned to her house. I did at a time stay with my aunt in 1996 due to not being able to afford the place I was staying in. I did not have a car and caught the bus everywhere and just kept hoping for a car to come my way. I finally got my own place, a car, and here comes the true fun...my first husband!!!!! Oh wow!!!!!!

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