Foreword
This book was born out of
sheer frustration and a desire to discover what it feels like
to live in freedom and not in bondage to food.
Like a lot of people food
has had too much of an important role in my life and after
many years of liking and hating food and the effects that it
has had on me, I felt the time had come for me to break free
from it’s control over me in order to live in total freedom as
God meant it to be. I have always believed that there is
nothing too big for God to show me and that he has an answer
and a plan for everything in my life and that it is up to us
to ask for the answers to our problems and apply them to our
lives the way he says we should to get to where he wants us to
be. He gave his word to us to be applied at times of need and
therefore we are meant to try and test it, because when we are
weak He is strong. That in itself is a journey and a fight our
flesh will not give up on easily.
As I delved deeper and
deeper into this journey I came to the realisation that
“Fasting the Behaviour” could apply to every other aspect of
our lives where a specific behaviour is having a negative
impact on the quality of our lives as well as the lives of our
loved ones and people we interact with. It also applies to
those who have eliminated things that are good for us and are
meant to be a part of our lives by justifying not doing them
with “I am very busy” “I don’t enjoy it” “there is not enough
time” and lots more excuses and so the acceptance of not
applying the positive behaviour can be fasted and replaced by
the specific positive behaviour needed. The reason we will be
able to achieve the fasting of a negative behaviour as unto
the Lord will be because we have a personal relationship with
him and want to please him, but it also allows us to realise
that we don’t have that personal relationship or we need to
get that personal relationship back to a place where our
priority is to please our loving Father.
My prayer is that as you
read this book you will grasp the revelation of what total
freedom is and be able to go on with the rest of your lives
enjoying Christ’s freedom in every aspect of your life.
There had been countless
times where I had planned one programme or another, written it
down signed it believed it and not seen it through…I did not
believe me anymore and though I could not release myself to
give up and settle for the feelings of frustration, I could
not come up with anything that I could see myself completing.
The thoughts of my past failures haunted me and the most
recent failure was the biggest of all especially as I enjoyed
telling people how I had succeeded in loosing so much weight,
and the buzz I got from it all. The saddest part of it all was
that I was still in bondage to food and from the minute I got
close to my target weight I was starting to gain weight again,
I constantly lived in fear of people noticing that I was once
again failing. The feast and fast mentality was running rife
in my life and my clothes were a range of various sizes, I was
never able to enjoy the feeling of satisfaction because no
matter where I went food was lurking.
One thing I knew for sure
was that my way was not working and was very temporary, God
had heard my cry and a wave of revelations was about to hit me
like never before. Through the battle of leaving Egypt to the
pain in the wilderness my eyes were being opened, revelations,
impressions, words kept coming to me in waves, who would have
thought that through the most painful journey, amidst the
storms and the darkness that crowded me, Gods whisper, as
clear and precise would come through to me like never before,
He had heard my cry and the desire of my heart, and had come
through with his answers, it was now up to me to apply them.
One thing I strongly believe now is that there is a lesson to
be learned in every trial we go through. If we do not get “it”
and God knows we need “it”, we will go round in circles till
we get “it” or forever be unsettled. So next time you go
through a trial, ask God “what am I supposed to learn from
this?” I do now. The biggest thing I could not reconcile with
was the fact that I chose food as my comfort and not God. Why?
That was what I probably was the most ashamed of. I am hoping
that as my journey to the Promised Land progresses I will
unravel things that point out the reasons I have been in this
battle for what seems like a lifetime, and by unraveling the
reasons and answers I pray someone else who reads this book
gets to arrive at their promised land.
I Surrender
To surrender…. What does
it actually mean? I would say it is where we hand over our
lives to someone, - no questions asked- just handing over the
reigns of our life usually in exchange for something. In this
case I am referring to surrendering to God.
In the past, I believed
that I had surrendered my life or areas of my life to God.
Looking back however, it has not been a total surrender,
because total surrendering is a complete hand over to God no
questions asked whilst expecting God to do what He feels is
best for you because you trust him. By making half hearted
surrenders in the past, I was not able to activate the full
benefits of total surrendering to God. how frustrating for God
because of the freewill he has given us we need to operate
here on earth in the way he has asked us to in order for all
his bountiful blessings to be enjoyed but we regularly fall
short by doubting, fear, anxiety, impatience, deadlines and a
lot more hindrances that block what is rightfully ours.
We tend to surrender when
we reach rock bottom, when we feel like there is no option or
when we are forced to do it, but what does it actually entail?
If we understand the true meaning of surrendering it would
enable us to act it out literally and so reap the rewards. We
can only totally surrender by ignoring fear or the “what ifs”?
This is achieved by totally trusting the person you are
surrendering to. When at war with an enemy, surrendering is
normally done under gunpoint, after there has been a lot of
resistance. The fact that you know the enemy you are
surrendering to does not have your interest at heart, you
outwardly surrender but still continue to scheme and plan a
way out. You have been forced into the situation and will come
out of it as soon as you see an opportunity. In your mind you
are not in agreement with the enemy, but on the outside you
show signs of surrender so you can extend your life or gain
some favours for obeying.
When dealing with a God
we trust, to surrender to Him means to stop second guessing,
it also means we are trusting Him wholeheartedly and taking
His word literally. We do not, for one second, think He is
going to harm us; and because we know He created us, we
believe He knows and wants what’s right for us and He is the
only one who can fix us.
As Christians, we
surrender all to God when we get saved but do our attitudes
say otherwise? We will never enjoy the joy of total dependence
on God if we do not completely surrender and allow God to
decide how and where our journey starts and finishes. Even
though at the beginning of this journey we may not love
ourselves, this is an opportunity to at last let God have free
reign in every aspect of our lives so we can be used as His
canvas in order for Him to demonstrate what complete
restoration looks like when we surrender. I believe we all
have to come to a place where we give our all to God, not
half, not a quarter, not three quarters but all and we can do
that by weighing all our options and freely surrendering; what
a privilege!
Giving Up the Control
Some things you give up
as a comfort or an idol (bingeing), some you put on hold till
maturity (junk food). When you trip and fall it’s not the end
of the world or a time to be a recluse or even time to do some
kind of “works” to try to make up for your mess. Confess,
repent and move on.
As I found myself in my
car waiting for my daughter to finish her Spanish lesson on
morning of the 11th of March 2006, it dawned on me
that the things I was scribbling down bore a resemblance to
the journey we begin when we get saved. Giving up the old for
the new, leaving some friends and environments for a while or
completely because those things could stagnate us and prevent
us from passionately following Christ.
When a binge episode
occurs (binge being a representative of any negative behaviour
in your life) i.e. you eat, say or do something that has been
your intention to put on hold or give up, like sin, at first
the thought of doing it may seem exciting and the act itself
may be enjoyed. However, the guilt, shame and the ugly feeling
you experience sometimes whilst still in the act or
immediately afterwards completely outweighs the fleeting
pleasure. The tendency is to want to start your life all over
again and try to be perfect this time, but that is never going
to happen.
If you compare that situation to the Christian
cycle of falling and repenting, nowhere in the cycle do you
have to give your life to God again, you simply repent and
move on more aware of the pitfalls. By trying to control the
way God works and what he has put in place for us when we fall
we show a lack of faith and trust in God by rejecting His
grace which should be sufficient for us.
Typically after a
binge episode, the normal next step would be to try to fast in
order to make up for the damage done during the binge. That
spirals out of control and causes the “binge- fast” cycle to
start all over again.
As crazy as it may seem in the
complexity of the binge, the best way to break the horrible
cycle is to eat normally like nothing had happened. In the
beginning this might be quite difficult to do, but as time
goes on it will become easier. You will find that the binges
will occur less frequently because it is loosing its grip or
hold on you. So it is with accepting Gods grace. Initially it
will be difficult and you will still feel dirty and sinful.
However as you continue to totally surrender to Gods programme,
it will get easier to repent and move on and the grip of sin
on you will be reduced. As a result, you will find that the
occurrence of the “sin-repent-move on” cycle will be few and
far between because the devil will know that you have grasped
God’s principles and he has lost the battle though he will
never give up trying to make you fall.
Until we fully apply
God’s principles in our lives we will never be at peace and we
will not be confident about our salvation or healing from the
eating disorder or whatever negative behaviour. This will make
us lose confidence in whom we are and thus open the door for
more deception and failure.
When we receive Christ as
our Lord and personal Saviour, we are taking a step of faith
and we believe that there is a prize or reward at the end. We
assume the journey would be enjoyable so when we come up
against a tough time in our life we are supposed to keep our
focus on the end. So it should be with regards to being on the
journey to beat the eating disorder or negative behaviour.
Firstly to be free from the bondage is in itself a wonderful
prize. The joy of not being ill, obese, unhappy, etc is an
incentive for us to surrender to the healing process.
Remember that the impact
and consequences of sin are great and they do affect the way
we feel or perceive ourselves. That is why God wants us to
come to the place where we are far away from sin as possible
so we can continue to walk boldly as Christians who are
confident in who we are. This would enable us to be effective
and do the work we have been called to do. God does not want
us to be beaten, down trodden, unproductive weary Christians
but rather vibrant, positive and effective children of God. So
in regard to the behaviours,When we have Christ in our lives,
to do wrong does not sit well with us unlike an unbeliever
whose conscience will freely allow them to continue on the
wrong path. Negative behaviours do have its consequences, they
slow down the healing process, impacts our relationships and
daily lives and is a burden that we need not carry.
It is up to us to accept
Gods insurance plan in total surrender without “ifs” and
“buts”. He had this plan well before we were born and knew we
would need it. Who are we to question or even think we know
better than God the one who created us? He knew we could not
save ourselves, so He sent His Son to save us. Our only “duty”
is to accept and not reject His plan for our lives. We may not
always feel the physical effects of his grace immediately, but
the miracle of grace is “believing without feeling”. That is
the opportunity to be blessed. It is that little gap through
which we let God know by our actions that we trust Him even
though we haven’t seen, can’t feel, etc. In the same way with
the “binge-fast” cycle, it is when we go straight back to
normal eating after a binge, even though we feel like starving
or purging ourselves, that the greatest miracle is happening.
We have to see that point as an opportunity to grow as opposed
to our breaking point. This same point can be a point of
growth or a point of giving up. I call it the painful but
necessary place for growth, faith, trust, strength or failure.
It can also be a time of separation to take stock, reflect and
regroup or a downward spiral of desperation, self harm and
giving up.
We usually want to know
how long it will take to be healed, to get to our target
weight, to get that job, to have that baby, and so on. With
reference to our Christian walk, learning and growing is a
life long process, there is no deadline. Once we become
Christians we begin a journey and we need to progress
steadily, there is no deadline by which we will completely
know everything. So it is with this journey to complete
healing. In our old life, we thought we were in control. We
wanted to know the whole time what we would eat, what they
would serve at the party, etc but that didn’t work for us.
We have to let go of the reigns of our lives and hand them over
to God in order to be in control. He is the only one who knows
what we need. Our need for control comes back to bite us again
and again. We need to totally surrender to our creator in
order to enjoy this journey called life. We have to completely
remove the “time restrains”, deadlines, fitting into the
wedding dress, opinions of the in-laws, “summers just round
the corner”, from our vocabulary and make our priority to get
well and be whole, and all the good things like getting to the
right size, toned body, healthy insides and outsides, being
confident, will be added to us.
If we allow God to work in our
lives He will make up for lost time and victory will be
sweeter this time around, we have to focus on pleasing God and
not people. The bathroom scales can become a “judge” and
should therefore be used only occasionally or even discarded.
Just like people who judge us from a distance without knowing
what is inside of us, so does the scale. It does not take into
account how much muscle we have gained or how much water we
are holding. No matter how we think we can cope with the
“judgements” it offers, it can affect us in a negative way and
can hurt us and eventually send us to the old habits which
should have no place in our new lives. We should neither
measure ourselves by the scales of the world’s standards, but
by the scales of Gods word and His standards.
After we get born again
as children of God, we have access to healing of our past and
current wounds; however we need faith to actually access
complete healing and restoration. The same applies to us as we
start to gain our freedom from the bondage of addictions and
behaviours, and surrender to God’s programme. He will heal us
of the scars that were caused by the effects of the binge
purge cycle and He will restore your body because He is the
creator of it. God does not want your scars to hold you back.
Keep your eyes on the prize always, He can restore us to where
we were before bingeing and food issues ever became a part of
our lives. Just like how He restores us when we give our lives
to him after surrendering.
By exchanging our control
for His Grace, we become more in control. Psalm 71 verse 20 is
a clear indication of what God intends to do with our broken
lives and how (from the trials we have been through) we can be
brought back into a place of total healing and be better than
we were before.
Embracing the Wilderness
Our problems, afflictions
or addictions are our Egypt and God is trying to get us out of
bondage to Egypt. The journey is necessary and can be tough
and requires trusting God totally. It may be filled with
setbacks and also highs and lows. The problems faced when
leaving the wilderness are more or less the same as the
Israelites faced when they were on their journey. Their trip,
I believe, was documented for us to be able to take courage
and get to our promised land in the time that God intends for
us to get there and not make the same mistakes the Israelites
made. Thank God for a God who can see the end from the
beginning!
In order for us to get
out of Egypt, God has strategies in place to “punish” Egypt
and force her to relinquish the hold she has on us. She does
not let go easily and doesn’t give up without a fierce fight
therefore we are in a battle for our lives. The hold she has
on us can vary from person to person in its intensity, but it
bears the same name; EGYPT! When we seem to be making progress
and winning the war, our enemies realise that they are loosing
the battle and come against us with a more addictive strategy.
At this stage, the process requires spiritual warfare and the
Word of God. The saying “it gets worse before it gets better”
rings true in many cases. This is because in the spiritual
realm, a battle for ones life is going on. That was the same
for the Israelites who were told they could go, but Pharaoh
changed his mind several times, therefore God had to bring in
new sanctions. Every time He raised the bar in order to
squeeze the enemy and free His people. The more the enemy gets
squeezed, the more gripping the behaviour will get. God will
do that for us today, so no matter how hot the temperature
gets in your battle, know that God is working hard on your
behalf and that you will win in the end if you persevere.
When God finally gets us
out of Egypt, we will be at a place where we can start looking
forward to the Promised Land. It can be an uncomfortable time,
a place where we seem stagnated because we are neither here
nor there and can not actually see the end result of our
deliverance. However the chains are off us, we are at a place
where although we are not at the promised land yet, we have to
start living like we are already there. Unbelievable as it
sounds some of us want to go back to the familiarity of
slavery with its rules and regulations as supposed to a
freedom we might never have known or one that we can’t
remember or comprehend. This is a place of reflection and an
opportunity to have a new life. We actually forget what
bondage felt like because the memories have begun to fade
away. Egypt suddenly feels safe, comfortable and predictable.
Our new found freedom is scary with no deadlines and new
things to learn. Experiencing God's freedom is giving us
responsibility like we have never known and the pain of
disciplining ourselves is too much for us to handle, we can
actually think for ourselves now and make decisions as well as
becoming accountable for our choices. Negative and positive
tales of the Promised Land are rife as the wilderness journey
is coming to a close, but because of our inferiority complex
that comes from slavery to the past behaviours, we choose to
believe we will not fit into the Promised Land because we
accept that those there are better than us and refuse to
acknowledge the fact that those who reside there were once
like us but were able to make the transition by accepting Gods
Grace, thus becoming stronger people. Those who give in and go
back to Egypt realise once they are back in bondage that the
hold their past had on them has become twice as hard to break
from. The enemy has learned new ways to punish them for
leaving and will try to ensure that they can never leave
again. In order to leave again you will need to dig deeper.
The effort of reopening the Red Sea is harder than accepting
the Grace of freedom. Thank God for the blood of Jesus. The
Passover worked for the Israelites, God has given us the blood
of Jesus and if we accept what He has done for us, we can move
on into what he has in store for us. When affliction comes, we
have the blood of Jesus to plead over our lives to strengthen
us, to empower us to deal with any thing that we might face.
By surrendering ourselves to the wilderness journey God is
able to allow us to grow, learn and trust. Until the lessons
of the wilderness are learnt, we will not move forward. He
will guide us through the journey both day and night with
enough manna for each day and opportunities to learn in joy
and pain. Grumbling, murmuring and rebelling will only slow us
down and lengthen the journey.
The next phase can be referred
to as the desert phase where although we have accepted our
fate and chosen to go forward, we are simply going through the
motions. Nothing brings us joy, nothing tastes nice, we wish
we could just binge, swear, smoke, etc. It is a place where
rebellion can flourish if allowed, a place where we realise
that although we are on the right track, it still feels
foreign and uncomfortable, so we refuse to accept it
gracefully. A place where new friends will have to be made,
babying days draw to a close and maturity has to set in. A
place of being grateful to God for keeping his word, and now
the responsibility switches to you to do your part. Where you
know right from wrong on your new journey, so turning a blind
eye is no longer acceptable. A place of ownership, where
behavioural boundaries exist.
We have reached the mountain top
where all that can be ours is in full view both good and bad.
Freewill has arrived and is here to stay but to get to the
Promised Land we have to present our bodies to God as our
living sacrifice.
No Going Back
When Lots wife looked
back she turned into a pillar of salt. A pillar of salt can
only stay in one spot, there is no progress. You can’t move
forward or backwards, imagine how frustrating that can be?
When we become dissatisfied with the pace God is taking us on
the journey, we will look back or think we can go forward
faster… big mistake! All past attempts to get to the Promised
Land in our strength have failed for various reasons. We took
short cuts and did not learn the lessons we were supposed to
learn, which would help us remain well grounded in the
Promised Land. God needs to equip us with a lot more important
lessons so we get used to making the journey on our own. Thank
God that this time we are allowing the Creator to take us
through the proper way and so we should continue to remind
ourselves that He knows what He is doing and He knows exactly
what we need to learn on the way.
The excitement of being
on the top of the mountain is still with you, you have started
rewarding yourself for how far you have come. The compliments
for how far you have come are still rolling in. Some people
are even discouraging you from trying to get any further, some
suggest that you are getting hooked on pushing forward.
Remember you did not go through all you’ve been through not to
taste the feeling of triumph in the Promised Land.
Unfortunately some people will die on the mountain top, some
will go back into the wilderness but some will taste of the
Promised Land, which one will you be? At the moment the
Promised Land lies ahead of you and the wilderness with all
its trials and tribulations is behind you; you can take time
to ponder on the lessons learnt and how you need to apply them
in the Promised Land to survive. This is a point where you
hopefully realise that you have come too far to take any
backward steps. With the opportunity to apply the knowledge
acquired ahead, you will have to ignore the “horror” stories
and experience the Promised Land yourself.
The quest for perfection
can actually send people back to the wilderness, especially
those with obsessive compulsion tendencies. We want to be
perfect in the Promised Land; the desire for perfection can
trigger the feelings of failure. Failing again feels worse
than the last time especially because we feel we did it the
right way this time. We give up and miss the opportunity to
acknowledge the fact that now we have surrendered our journey
to God, He is the captain of the ship it is His agenda, not
ours. He is holding His hand out to pick us up. All we need to
do is take Him up on His offer and enjoy the trip. We need to
set our goals and put into place the knowledge and experience
gained and then slot them into the reality of everyday living.
However the biggest decision on the mountain top should be
that no matter what, we will not go back!
Freedom in the Promised Land
Walking in total freedom
in the promised land means giving up the dos and don’ts, the
rules and regulations the idolatry in whatever way it presents
itself because the Holy Spirit resides in you. He will help us
with discerning right from wrong, good from evil and daily
decisions we have to make in every area of our lives. We need
to reawaken our sensitivity to the Holy Spirit. In the
beginning it might appear like trial and error because we have
not really exercised the gift. However as we mature in our
freedom walk we will come to a place where we will enjoy
having our special helper helping us make the right choices.
Thank God we are better off than the Israelites who had to
carry a physical Ark to know that God was with them. We should
be thankful for the privilege we have knowing that our bodies
are the physical embodiment of the Holy Spirit. God has
trusted us with Himself and so that should actually make us
want to daily present our bodies as a living sacrifice onto
Him. If the Ark was the most sacred thing at that time, we
must see our bodies as sacred and therefore wherever we go we
are to be shining examples so to set bad examples is to
tarnish His Word.
In the beginning you may
have to fast the things that trigger off the negative
behaviours. These could be friends, food, environments, but as
time goes on and we have become more established in our new
way of life, and we fully know who we are, we can incorporate
some of the old things back into our lives, although some
things will have to be given up for good. This can be seen as
your daily sacrifice to the Lord.
You can compare the
scenario of the sinner who accepts Christ but because he is
still new to the things of God, falls a few times and is
wracked with guilt and shame. One day he receives a clearer
understanding of Grace and jumps at the opportunity to apply
it to his life. He still can’t get over how much God loves
him, and as time goes by sin has less of an impact on his life
because he understands his new relationship with God better
and does not want to “hurt” God, even though he knows he will
be forgiven if he falls. We will never be able to walk in Gods
Grace if we continue to have the mindset or mentality of all
or nothing, feast and fast, because Gods Grace can never work
in conjunction with works, it is only activated by repentance,
acceptance and surrender.
Lasting Freedom
At last! To taste of
lasting freedom we need to establish what it needs to feel
like. It should be a life journey where our lives are not put
on hold “till we are perfect” but enjoyed as we aspire to be
Christ like in all areas of our lives. Where there is no more
second guessing or double mindedness but we posses an air of
self assurance because of the journey we have been through and
the knowledge of whom we are in Christ. We no longer tremble
at the thought of failing and when we trip and fall, getting
up and dusting ourselves down is instinctive, and no longer
affects us for longer than necessary.
The devil sends spies to
see what the people who dwell in the Promised Land are like.
These spies come back with either a negative report or
positive report about the people. It could be that the people
are not very certain of who they are and still a bit shaky,
not believing wholly that they deserve to be there and
therefore still very vulnerable or easier prey for the devil,
or it could be that they are very powerful people who know who
they are and are confident, positive and outgoing with good
self esteem. The spies report that they would be difficult to
attack. When we enter our Promised Land, the devil and demons
need to know that we know who we are in Christ. They are aware
that the knowledge and experience that we have gained will
mean they have their work cut out for them if they try to
attack us. The old downtrodden victim will have been replaced
by a strong bold victor in the Promised Land.
Caleb and Joshua were
confident that they could achieve their plan to claim the
Promised Land with God’s help, but a lot more people did not
believe they were strong enough to cope with what the Promised
Land offered. A single minded person whose yes was a yes and
no was a no, a God pleaser not a people pleaser, someone ready
to do as God commands and stands for something, and also
someone who was ready to leave the old behind and press on
with the new.
In the beginning you may have to fast the old
things that trigger the behaviours that were causing you so
much pain, and that in itself will cause you more pain. Some
of the friends will have to be left behind even though their
company will be missed but you can reacquaint with some of
them at a later date provided you have become strong enough
for them not to pull you back into a downward spiral.
Due to the void and loneliness that will be felt at this point in
your journey, new positive friends can be a useful tool.
Remembering that there were a lot of consequences which
involved pain, abuse and hurt that came with old friendships.
We all know who those “friends” in our lives are, and for
those who plead innocence, now is the time to reflect and work
out who they are in order to eliminate them. Deep down we also
know that they are not really friends, however due to old
habits, convenience, boredom and lack of self esteem we keep
their company. They appear to make you feel special, offer you
what you want, or make false promises. When you fall, they are
the first to put you down and tell you how disgusting you are.
You feel used and abused and that makes you feel worthless and
the cycle continues. They continue to have you in their grip,
but by making the fast your daily sacrifice to the Lord, it
will get easier and more fulfilling.
With
all the miracles, favour and daily blessings these people
still wouldn’t believe in His promises so they would never
enter the land of promise. They would wander around the
wilderness for the rest of their days. Therefore, we need to
be bold enough to wrench ourselves from the old patterns,
disobedience, impatience, peer pressure and lack of faith as
well as reliance on the old comfort zone, because they
will force us to return to our old ways and deny us the chance of
experiencing God’s freedom and the fulfillment that comes
from achieving it.
To live in lasting freedom is to completely embrace Gods
Grace and to totally relinquish our works.