Promise of the Journey

The Journey

I walked a mile home
To a world that I knew so well.
A haven of safety
That only I would know.

The silence of a busy day
Would quiet my trembling heart.
Leaving me in touch with God,
My feet would carry me across the farm.

I tarried past the grape vines,
Into the field of beans.
I took in the wonder of the world,
Feeling the sun beating down on me.

Soon I would find myself in the area
Where old cars had been for years,
The grass was waist high
And trees stood barren of their leaves.

As I continued on my journey,
I climbed over the weather beaten fence.
The hogs were cooling themselves
in the mud hole nearby,
Paying no attention to the stranger
Who carelessly walked about.

I soon came to the barn
Where many memories had taken place.
Working with the men
Loading bails of straw into the loft,
Laying beside the one I loved
On a starry night, and
playing in the corn,
Hoping that this would never end.

Suppertime was approaching quickly,
And too soon the day would have to rest.
So I headed for the house,
Taking with me the peace and serenity,
Of a land that has been blessed.

The Stronghold of My Life

I have often thought
That the world would be
A much better place without me.
The days are long
The nights are even longer.

These blue feelings
bring me to tears.
Having the desire to drink,
I fight the craving of a family thing.

My thoughts begin to wander and
I began to worry
About the kids, the bills, and
Every little thing.

Anxiety builds within my soul,
With tremors and tears and
No relief in sight.

I needed out, any way I can
But fear of pain consumes
What courage I have.

I wish I knew how to make this stop,
So I can live like any normal person
With a family.

I hate the way I look and despise
My past,
Never forgetting how much my children hurt.

The difficulty in attending
School functions and yet the desire
To be there for the girls, is hard
For me to master.

I tremble at the very thought
That I may do something to embarrass them.
Through the years of their day and age,
I know that it is hard for them
To be accepted by their peers.
Parents must meet certain requirements.
These things I fall short of
The inadequate feelings as apparent
Leave me longing for a change
That does not come easily.

I strive to be the best mom I can
But my reality is, to some extent,
Will always control my daily life.

My childhood memories,
Are nightmares that I somehow relive
The smaller events become
A major one with me.

The rain can take me back
To my years on the farm. Walking
Barefoot in the fresh cut grass.
Running through puddles and mud between
My toes, made me feel alive somehow.

Hanging our laundry on the line, was
Just the way we did it then. I loved
Laying in the living room floor, a
Part of me that I have not given up
Before.

Planting flowers and seeds in a garden,
Brought me many happy memories. I like
To a garden to this day, making way for a
little more beauty.

The dogs, the cats, and the hogs I fed,
Taking care of them was a highlight in
My life.

Time changes so much, that while walking
Through this life, you lose a lot of
What once was.

My grandmother and my uncle had become
An important part of my world. Then
Tragedy struck, my grandma died.
Leaving me alone in a world that I did not know. I
Found myself struggling to let the past go.

Loneliness struck a broken heart
And left me with very little to
Look forward to.

I held on for my unborn child,
To give her the life I never had.
She needed a mom to be there for her
And to hold when she cried. She
Needed the very things I had to give.
And I tried very hard to give her these things.

Yet, my depression was still controlling
My life. I searched for answers and
Found none. I searched for peace and
Love and still I couldn't find anything
That I was looking for. Years of searching,
Left me fighting to stay alive.

I withdrew into my own world, hoping to
Die in the night.
I had to close the doors, that others tried to open,
Just to stay alive.

Fear of hate and abuse consumed my life,
Leaving me building those brick walls.
Hateful words of another keep me locked
Away, but still I'm trying to break free,
But, I can't get away from me.

I do believe the day will come, when I can
Set myself free. I will take a stand on my
Own two feet, without the support of those
Who now hold me up.

Someday I pray, that I will be free from
The past that binds me now.

Fierce Passion

There's a passion burning deep within my soul,
Only a torch could hold it's light.
Desire is flowing through my breast,
As if it's fountain had sprung a leak.
Intensity of my mind grows to it's peak
With each stroke of your hand.

Sensations flow lovingly
Through each portal of my being,
Passing one to another
All of who we are.

This tingling passion
Grows as my body trembles,
With relief
Of this fiery passions release.

Ms. Angela Willis

Hidden Away

Through the years of pain and tears
This small child never saw the joy of all that could be.

This little girl, stayed hidden away
In her own little corner of the world, behind a locked door.

As she sits up in her grim room of darkness
With an overwhelming desire for love and acceptance,
She gazes at the flickering light beneath the door.

She shivers with hopes of someone placing
A key into the lock that has kept her hidden away
From the rest of the world.

Unlocking the door is easy for some,
But this little girl, hurt and frightened,
Unlocking the door, will be difficult for her,
She don't have a key.

As you carefully insert the love,
to unlock her door,
Reach out your gentle hand to the hidden child,
Share the love God has given you.
Help make the pain go away and the joy begin to shine through.

Lend her your hugs,
Let her feel the warmth of your touch,
As her tender soul reaches to challenge a light
She has not before seen,
In her world of darkness,
While hidden away.

Ms. Angela Willis

The Kaleidoscope Effect

The crystal chandelier hung
Above the ballroom floor with
it's elegance beaming about.

Diamond shaped silhouettes
Dance across the walls,
As the live band plays
It's version of the waltz.

Men in top hats and tails,
Women with their gowns that flared
Out around them,
Filled the room with a beautiful
Array of colors floating about them.

As couples joined hands
And danced around the room,
A kaleidoscope effect appeared.

Life's cycles are much the same,
Watching the design forever change
With each dance in the chain.

Sometimes we face
our trials and triumphs more than once,
But we never face them
The same way twice.

When the gallant evening
Comes to a close
Tipped up hats and warm smiles
Leave their mark on this incredible night.

Turning back to an empty dance floor,
I shut out the lights.

Although the room has grown so dark,
I can still see the colors
Of a kaleidoscope piercing the hall.

Ms. Angela Willis

Freedom of Mind

Trapped--

A prisoner of my own mind
A world full of circles that evolves
Around in my soul
Leaving me confused about all that is.

Stripped of my clothes and my world
Living in the heart of someone else's world
I'm not going anywhere,
But down three corridors
That suddenly end at the doors before me.

What do they know about me,
Five minutes of their time can't fix
Forty years of mine.
Recollecting loving life once because it was real
I wonder now what is real.

How could I want to continue on when
Fear consumes each day?

The passion of love beats deeply
Within the chambers of my soul
As the questions continue to dance in my head.

The fear of never returning to such passion
Keeps me trapped with nowhere to run.
But my hope, my truth, my salvation,
Will go before my mind
To shake the Earth, rattle the doors,
And break free the locks that keep me
From my own heart and once again set me free.

Such a glorious, glorious day that will be.

Ms. Angela Willis
September 13, 2005

The Finer Things

The finer things of love and life
I find within my mind.

The beauty of flowers,
The feel of grass,
Curves of curtains,
And light of lamps.

My world around,
My palace home,
These finer things I call my own.

Wooden animals,
Artwork divine,
And I can't forget the hands of time.

Soft music playing,
children laughing,
My husbands voice,
calling me in the night.
These are the finer things in my life.

Ms. Angela Willis

The Attempt

The hands of time has passed me by
And the world is full of hate.
The anger rages deep inside
With nowhere for me to run and hide.

I have tried and tried
To talk it out
Yet, there is no relief in sight.

The pain I feel
Has brought forth my tears
But still no relief.

My parents are dead,
My husband is sick,
The girls are teens,
And I can't find no peace.

I tell myself, I should be fine,
Glancing over at the hands of time.

I search and search for a break,
I know the decision I have to make.
A bottle of pills or a razor blade,
These things I have begun to contemplate.

Before me sits one way I could,
But still I wonder if I should.
The bottle of pills would make me sleep,
Never to awaken.
I'd leave behind so many things,
Broken hearts and broken dreams,
All else to be forsaken.

I believe I'll wait
'til morning light,
With hopes that these feelings
Will pass on through the night.

Ms. Angela Willis

Dancing Shadows

Looking in at what was once me,
I see heartaches shadows
Dancing vigorously across the walls.

As I wander,
Moments in time are standing still
And hurtful memories of what once was
Lead me.

Lost loves, lost dreams,
Alone in despair,
Wondering how in the world,
I got here.

Searching my life over and again,
My faith had grown weak
In a life full of sin.

A vivacious Lord,
A glimmer of relief,
A shimmer of hope,
Of all that could be.

Free from the pain,
peace settles in,
My dancing shadows,
Never come again.

Ms. Angela Willis

The Survivor

I am the survivor;

I took the beatings and the abuse,
Through the years of my childhood.
I held on to my faith for it was all I had.
I am the survivor.

I would pray each and everyday
That someone would hear my cry for help,
But no one came.
I am the survivor.

It was as though the world was deaf
When I would cry out with pain,
Nothing again was ever the same.
I am the survivor.

I withdrew into myself
Leaving only my footprints behind me.
I am the survivor.

Now that I have made it through this wicked way of life,
I have begun to live and love again.
I am the survivor.

I am learning a new way of life,
I am starting to change
The old habits that bind me.
I am the survivor.

Maybe someday I will be more than just
A survivor.

Ms. Angela Willis

Depression

Depression has consumed
Not only my mind, but my life.
It controls my world
And leaves nothing untouched by it's wickedness.

Feelings of desperation and loneliness
Flood my pleading soul.
Giving such a sense of helplessness
That I cannot control.
My thoughts tell me
To shake these feelings,
But my soul won't let it go.

I react to a sound that I've heard a million times.
Leaving me agitated, I try to keep myself quiet,
So the world won't know how bad I have given in to this
Way of life.
Irritable and alone, in a world full of people,
I feel as if my feelings never quite mattered.
Hobbies and appointments get put on hold,
To the depression that consumes my soul.
For I have not the energy,
To get out of bed.

Many sleepless nights give way,
To shortened mornings and a day half gone
And life to live.

The blue sensation suspends my inability
To complete a simple task.
The chores are a major project,
That won't be completed
Until I can convince myself,
That life is worth living.

Time, many say, is a great healer,
As my past creates a memories of agony.
The struggle to move on is near impossible to me,
Even with my family.

Changing history
Has blessings of it's own,
As the future looks better
Than my life did before.

Recovery is slow,
But hope remains
Within the heart
Of many broken dreams.

Ms. Angela Willis

Chest of Memories

A chest given to my grandmother
On her wedding day,
Is now a time capsule of memories,
That holds trinkets of our family history.

The aroma of fresh cut cedar fills the air
When I open the chest of heirlooms.

The first thing I noticed
There in one corner,
A stack of old Bibles
Four generations old.
Their tattered covers and worn out pages,
Still hold words of love.

What looked like a brown paper bag
With a string tied around it,
Held two little dresses with matching bonnets
And a worn out baby blanket folded neatly,
That once belonged to me.

As I continued to look through this
Chest of memories,
I find some old books from my childhood,
Ones that mama used to read.
"The Night Before Christmas" was always my favorite.

There were books that held pictures
And notes that mama made as I grew up,
During my years in school she kept
My essays and poems and cards that I made.

On the shelf of this chest
Is an old cigar box,
Filled with coins and rashen books,
And letters of love,
That my grandparents had shared
During the time grandpa was at war.

There was a black jacket laid carefully
Over the top of the trinkets,
From the time my uncle served
in the Korean war.
Next to it was an old Army suit,
Green in color, that my grandfather had worn.

On top of everything,
There laid a three cornered flag
With such elegance,
A memory of a man who fought for his country,
One who believed in freedom for all,
One who took a stand on what he believed.

This old chest is not worth much,
But its trinkets are the memories of trials
And triumphs and will always be a part of
This American family.

Too soon, the day will come,
When I pass on this chest to my daughter
And she will add her own trinkets
To this chest of memories.

A Little Country Church

There was a little country church
Just outside of town,
Where friends and neighbors
Were gathering around.

You could hear the church bell ringing,
Alerting passers by,
That worship was beginning,
On this Sunday morn.

While the congregation stood singing
Hymns of praise and glory,
I remember Grandma's eyes
When they sang, "I Love To Tell The Story".

Even as young as I was,
I seemed to understand,
Love filled the hearts
of every woman and man.

Faith spoken words, by the preacher man,
Had every eye watching
and each ear listening
To what was being said.

When the sermon would end,
We would stand again
To sing a hymn of praise and glory
And shake each other's hand.

Taking with us a lesson
That we had been taught
Giving thanks to God
For all that we have in our lives.

I thank Jesus today
for that little country church,
Just outside of town,
Where friends and neighbors gathered,
And I learned to pray.

Ms. Angela Willis

My Bottle

As I grasp my bottle firmly
That is standing by the bed,
I wonder how I got this far into hell, once again.

I twist the cap and break the seal,
I can't wait to taste that first drink,
Knowing all the while, I shouldn't be.

As it flows past my lips,
I can feel it's warmth,
And smell the sweet smell of that Southern Comfort,
That fills the air.

The provoking thought and desire for more,
Another drink to kill the pain,
No thinking twice, I drink again.

I'll drink myself into another world,
One that no other can enter in.
No thought of what tomorrow will bring,
I will take another drink,
Until I am drunk again.

By morning I will feel better
believing I had fun,
No hangover to warn me,
Of the harm.
No remorse for my actions,
Another drink I will take.

Only to start the day again,
With my bottle of Gin.

Ms. Angela Willis

A Rose

A rose...

A Spring time miracle,
Leaves of green,
Soft petals open, one by one,
Nurturing sun, falling rain,
Kiss the bud with your love.

Pretty rose,
Smell so sweet,
Show us all,
Your raving beauty.

Red, white, pink, or yellow,
Blushing sweethearts, make one smile,
Sun of yellow, make one mellow,
White of love, purity of heart,
Long green stem, prosperity declare.

Pretty rose
Smell so sweet,
Show us all,
Your raving beauty.

Ms. Angela Willis

As the Day Turns

The moon is only half full tonight
The stars are scattered over the sky.
The day is coming to an end
And soon tomorrow will begin.

I will then take what I learned
Yesterday
And make it work for me today.

In my childhood, there was no serenity,
I had only faith
That gave me hope.

As I grew a little older and became a
Little stronger,
The faith that once provided hope
Is now providing love also.
It is now that I must take the faith, the hope
And the love and keep it with me
Always.

As the nighttime begins to fall once
Again,
And the big ole moon is shining down
I will lay me down to sleep
With a little more serenity.

Pictures

Pictures of you and me,
Pictures of our families.

Pictures of old cars and trucks,
Pictures of parties we loved so much.

Sweet loving memories,
We like to relive,
Passing moments of time,
We like to give.

Memories we forget,
But always remember,
In these precious pictures
Of our hearts forever.

Old friends and smiles,
Are hard to forget,
The dances and dreams,
Left in our steps.

All are best,
when remembered,
In pictures that freeze that moment,
We don't want to forget.

Such precious treasures to history
Will be left behind, when we are gone,
Still bringing smiles,
To the ones we love,
That long to know what ever happened
Long ago.

Ms. Angela Willis

The Memory

The stars are hung with care at night,
As the moon rolls across the sky
till morning light.

The suns rays pierce the Earth
While the trees stand tall
with their leaves waving in the Summer breeze.

As the day goes on carelessly about,
People scurry to destinations unknown,
Passing blooming flower beds and butterflies,
In this garden of memories.

The day, too soon, comes to an end
As dusk settles in.
The sun passes by
With it's warm glow blanketing
this living beauty,
That has become a garden,
...A memory.

Ms. Angela Willis

Those Fears

The feathers on the trees
are turning colors in color,
Bringing back fears of my younger days.

Where do I turn? Where do I go?
I change direction,
To push them fears deep inside myself.

A new season passes by,
It appears as if all I can do, is cry.
Feeling lonely, lost in despair,
I could not reach out
into the surrounding beauty.

This fear of getting hurt
Time and again,
Won't allow me to let another person in.

In these days of grieving,
What once was,
I begin to let others know,
This IS the real me.

As time passes by,
Glimpses of color shade my world,
I feel I am conquering,
Those fears that have bound me.

Ms. Angela Willis

Christmas Night

Christmas time is near,
Bells are ringing Christmas cheer,.
Carolers are singing joyous songs,
We now know that it won't be long.

Trim the tree with twinkling lights,
Add some garland to make it bright.
Arrange the bulbs one by one,
Forgetting not where they came from.
Some from friends, some for gifts,
Some were even hand me downs.
Place the star atop the tree,
Recollecting the birth of Jesus,
For you and me.

People scurry around the town to find
That special gift for the one they love.
Wrap it in pretty paper and bow,
Then set it carefully under the Christmas tree.

On the longest of winter's nights,
Egg nog and apple cider warms the soul.
A Christmas story, I would tell,
The one that children love so well.

Santa Claus would soon arrive,
With eight tiny reindeer dancing on the roof.
Santa with his bag of toys,
Delivering them to the
Good little girls and boys.

Time was drawing near you see,
As the children close their eyes
Hoping that Santa would drink their milk
And eat their homemade cookies,
Ones made just for him.
While fast asleep, snug in their beds,
Kids would not know mom and dad,
Would be filling stockings and stacking gifts
By candlelight.

With so little rest beneath the moon,
The children's eyes wide open
Looking to find
What Santa had left for them behind.

As we entered the family room,
Their precious eyes surprised,
That Santa again had arrived.

I was chosen to wear his hat,
To hand out the gifts that he begat.
They tore each pretty paper and bow,
Tossing it aside, amazed,
At what the jolly ole fellow had brought.

Soon I fixed their breakfast,
Things they liked,
Pancakes, sausage, eggs, hash browns, and
Ham alike.
Then we would get ready to visit
friends and family, all,
To wish them a Merry Christmas.

Not once did we forget the reason,
We celebrate such a joyous Christmas season,
Our Lord, and Savior's birth.

Ms. Angela Willis