Chapter 1
~Background Check~
As searing pain ran through my body I looked around and seen that there was
nobody there to help me. I wanted to scream in pain but my environment wouldn’t
let me. I felt like I was drowning in my soul and choking on my own spirit. The
stench of failure surrounded me as I remembered all of the rotten things I have
done since I was an infant. I thought of my father and how the only thing he
could have done to tolerate me was leave and never look back. I've seen my
mother and remembered every single time I looked in her eyes and seen nothing.
The fear of a death so dishonorable to God that I would be held in a special
section of hell for all eternity, but a death that seemed to be the only
recourse in the face of a storm so painful that only Jesus knew what it felt
like. Persecution, dishonesty, shame, embarrassment, all the feelings of a life
that never went the path God ordained it to. Questions with no answers and
visions with no sound seemed to be my reality. The water that filled my lungs
tasted of sulfur and brine. My eyes burned with tears of rocks and my ear rang
of all the mistakes I have ever made. Was this my end? Have I been fooling
myself the entire time to think that God would actually want to save me? Petty
thoughts such as this ran across my forehead, but yet there I stood on the edge
of the bridge with nothing but hell burning below me. Where is God? A fair
question to ask when you have a noose around your neck and you’re ready to kick
the chair. So to continue to be fair, I currently don’t have an answer for that
question. Let’s first examine the spirit of suicide and depression before we try
to determine how to defeat it.
Depression, to depress holds down, bring low, hold back, and apply pressure too
and the list of descriptions go on for decades. When a person falls into a
depression, they often feel sad, “down in the dumps", maybe angry, anxious,
afraid, hopeless and bound. Depression is a "depress" in a person’s emotional
state, which can be accompanied with physical symptoms and reactions. Depression
has a wide range of causes and symptoms from being genetic to situational. The
enemy uses depression to incapacitate people and keep them distracted from
serving their ultimate purpose. While the enemy is attempting to isolate and
manipulate the person from people who can protect them, he can also surround the
person with people he is using to further catapult them into a depressed state.
One of my biggest issues is the phrase "don’t rely on man, man will always fail
you" a solid truth and an ongoing theme in the word of God. But lord, I say, you
have put me dead smack in the middle of a planet with millions upon millions of
those people that I am not supposed to rely on. Lord these people that I am not
supposed to rely on are in my face all day every day, so what am I supposed to
do? “Lord show me someone other than Jesus who keeps their eyes on you 24-7 and
maybe I’ll feel a little bit better”...still waiting.
What is it about ending your life that seems to ease the pain that life brings?
A question I have thought about for years and even more in the past few months.
As a Christian, I was raised to know about heaven and hell. It’s no surprise the
kind of place hell is and what goes there, while no one really has a clear
picture of exactly what the sights and sounds consist of, saved and unsaved
alike can agree that it’s no place for anyone to desire to be. But here’s the
thing, as a Christian, I have had a close encounter with the things of God, his
word and his enemy, so why would the thought of ending my life even enter my
mind? Again a question I have asked for years. The devil or the “enemy” as we
like to call him has a mission to destroy; especially those who are chosen by
God to fulfill a specific purpose for the kingdom of righteousness and against
the kingdom of darkness. The devil doesn’t like me or any other Christian
Brother or sister of mine. From the womb I have been a threat to the devil. He’s
been throwing curve balls at me since I could remember my first memory, but
everything changed when I gave my life to the lord. Ready to commit the ultimate
sin, Gods power was able to grab my attention long enough to cancel the
assignment of hell and redeem my spiritual self. So there I am saved and on the
road to sanctification and yes the devil was madder than, well hell. Throughout
my walk in previous years, I grew and grew more on fire for the things of the
kingdom. Secrets were exposed to me and visions were cast upon my head. The lord
worked through me and for me in every area of my life. I didn’t and I don’t have
it all but when you measure “all” not in worldly attributes but in spiritual
treasures, then you can call me wealthy. I am no way shape or form anywhere near
to where I am required to be but I can look back and realize that God has
carried far from where I left those worldly shoes at. So the lord continued to
reveal things to me and teach me about the things of the kingdom and I invited
it with open arms. I've seen things that were inviting and I've seen things that
simply destroyed my sleep patterns, but I've vowed to go through anything he
could throw at me for the sake of working for the lord. The one thing that I
noticed a lot with the body of Christ and the “body of Christ” is that there is
a large part in this red sea. The visual that is given of when Moses parted the
sea to escape the soldiers show a large scale ocean- like river that was as deep
as it was wide. When the staff hit the ground, the water raised up to the sky
clearing a path for Moses and the Israelites giving them a safe method of
escape. This same type of imagery can be used for the parting of the churches
“red sea”. Let examine myself for a moment; there are times when it is easy to
praise God because everything is roses and unicorns, the kids are honor roll
students, the spouse is doing dishes, and the checkbook is more balanced than
the tires on your car.
Then there’s the times when either the devil gets sick of
the smell of all those roses or the lord thinks that you are getting too
comfortable on that unicorn and all that water comes crashing back down to
earth. Now don’t get me wrong, I know that nobody promised me that a saved life
is a perfect, flawless, tear less life; but I regretted to remember that for one
with a different level comes a different devil, two, when you nag God enough he
might just give it to you to show you exactly why he didn’t give it to you yet,
and three, it’s the season for conditioning and training. Regardless of the
reason for the season, these moments of pressure washing, tightening, shifting,
moving, suffocating, cleansing, gutting and cutting can be difficult for some
and unbearable to others. There have been “tests” and “trails” that I have been
through that seemed like they were just pricks by the smallest needle, but then
once those quickly passed, the real storm came and knocked my ship all over the
bay. Again, there were some storms that I went into with mountain moving
strength and I endured like a true, anointed woman of God; so well that I could
see thee smile on Gods face in the morning sky. The confidence flowed through me
like the blood in my veins, and the true power of God burst out of my mouth as
strong and gentle as the Holy Ghost filled the church of acts on the day of
Pentecost. I look back on some of those crowing moments and celebrate a
bittersweet victory. As I write this I feel the joy of knowing that my anointing
was never an illusion, but then I huddle in shame as to the weakness I feel as I
type these words. Whether I call myself a prophet or not, I cannot deny the
discernment I had for the approaching of this very storm. the smells, the
sights, the thoughts, the feelings, the anger, the shame, the exhaustion and the
confusion that I feel were all there in my spirit moments before it approached;
almost like seeing the bolts of lightning off in the distance accompanied by the
wall of rain just over the mountain tops, but with the absence of the thunder
that completes the vision of the true storm of the century. The best part is
that I realize it while I write about it. A few weeks ago I felt an unsettling
in my spirit. I began to see those close to me back off slowly, I began to feel
the urge to dispose of loose ends and to cleanse myself of foolishness. I felt
my body tightening up like it was trying to protect its core from attack. Many
forensic scientists say that when the body is under attack or feel threatened,
it will go into automatic defense mode and begin to protect its core. For
instance, the body will curl up in the fetal position when it is being beaten to
protect the vital organs within the mid sections such as the lungs, heart,
intestines, and even tuck the head to protect the face and head. The same as the
physical body, the spiritual body will begin to sense an attack and immediately
go into protection mode. I can say that I can’t even complain or get upset
because this type of closeness and attachment to the things of the spirit realm
is what I desired and what I spent many nights praying for; so the lesson here
is be aware and be careful of what you pray for. So at this point in my journey,
I am hear battling one the largest demons I have ever faced in my life and I am
doing it with absolutely no power at all.
Chapter 2
~ The Demon ~
The suicide demon has been in my family and on my
back for years, but for the most part a little prayer and a little
oil helps me to weather the long nights; but God! This night is no
ordinary night. Like I said previous, I had noticed that the people
I normally broke bread with were beginning to back away slowly. I
have looked around and seen that there was no body left for me to go
to and listen to me, nobody there to understand and nobody there to
discern me. I felt betrayed even though I knew the Lord's word about
how I must seek His face only and that my only idol should be Him,
and that is fine but Lord you put me on a planet with other people
by yet there is not one to understand what is going on with me. Okay
I get it, “how can a worldly being understand a spiritual event?”
good question Lord, so then tell me how am I supposed to get an army
together if you have removed all of my recruits? I think it’s a bit
hilarious how I am sitting here going back and forth with God of all
people about the details. So in the back of my mind, all I hear are
the saints talking all those Sundays about trusting God with all
your being and even myself speaking to others about complete and
utter surrender; so if I know so much about the blue prints, then
why can’t I still build this house?? okay lord I am listening, but
first you have to hear me out; image what the sound of the lords
giggle in the back of your mind when you tell him something like
that. So anyway, here I am, hurt betrayed, sad, ashamed, exhausted,
angry, disappointed, afraid, nervous, hopeless, and just plain over
it. I’m sitting here right now without a friend in the world,
battling the suicide demon with my left hand, trying to forgive with
the right hand, typing this book with the left side of my brain
while trying to let go of the pain with my right. Just imagine the
battle that I am going through; I’m trying to keep my natural eyes
open while trying to close my spiritual eyes to the truth. Oh lord
can you see my turmoil. I have been betrayed by my family, been
abused by my church family, laughed at by my friends, persecuted at
my job, rode like a dog by my kids, and even my own bed won’t let me
get peace. Two weeks this has been going on and you would think that
when I saw this storm coming that I would of went to the tore and
got my rations but no I was comfortable on my unicorn. I thought the
same anointing that carried me through the other storms will
definitely carry me through this tornado; insert dramatic laugh
here. So here I stand, alone in the natural but surrounded by the
entire kingdom of heaven in the spirit, but I have been chilling at
this pity party for so long that I can’t even get myself up long
enough to pray for some help. The devil is laughing behind my right
shoulder because he thinks he got me pinned with a bottle of pills
in my hand but neither one of us can figure out how a person can
take so many pills and still wake up the next day like I took 1
Tylenol pm. Okay so it’s been confirmed, the lord has more for me
than just the bottom of an empty pill bottle, fantastic, BUT how am
I supposed to continue like this? The saints say to pray, but what
is prayer when every time you look in the mirror you see the demon
that is whispering in your ear about all these things going wrong.
What is prayer to the person who is to the point of having over 35
pills in their mouth and no one around to tell them to spit them
out. I’m sorry lord but honestly what is prayer when you’re so weak
that all you can think about despite all the truth you know is to
take the life that was already paid for. The lord says that this
life, my life is not my own. I do not have the authority to do what
I feel like with it nor do I have the authority to take it or leave
it whenever I wish. So there’s the catch 22. I am a Christian who
loves the lord with all of her being; can praise, worship, fast,
pray, speak in tongues, dance, sing, and speak with authority and I
am at the lowest point of my Christian walk and there is nothing I
can do about it. I look in the spirit and I see rows and rows of
faces standing all around me. They all face me and they all glow
with the peace and protection of the kingdom. I hear the lord say
that this is my army but I have the power to control them and they
cannot move until I am ready to instruct them to go forth. “So lord
what you are saying is that you removed all of my earthly and
worldly presence and surrounded my spirit with the biggest and most
powerful army of the kingdom but they will not move until I instruct
them too? Okay lord well that’s not fair because I am not done with
my pity party yet!” And there he goes laughing again. But “Lord I am
serious, these people hurt me! they talked about me and lied on me
at my job, and counted me out, and jumped over me and pushed me down
and ignored me and didn’t even bother to get to know me before they
judged me. They prayed against me and gossiped about me. They
ignored your word flowing out of me, they laughed at me when I
praise you and they kicked me when I was down. Lord they even read
my book and criticized it!! Lord how could you sit there and see all
of this and not do anything?? My feelings are hurt, my spirit is
hurt and I feel like I have been living a lie, like I’ve been lied
to and cheated. Lord you know how I grew up so why do you let them
sleep at night while I suffer with what they did to me?? And please
don’t tell me how they did the same to Jesus because I am so tired
of hearing about that.”
Chapter 3
~ Thus Saith the Lord ~
So after very long pauses I began to grow anxious and frustrated then I hear
“beloved daughter, beloved daughter, beloved daughter…I see all your pain and I
also know who I made you to be and the purpose that is upon your head. I love
you and not because I have to but because you are made out of pure diamonds and
pearls. Look at me and see that if I didn’t love that those pills would have
stopped your heart, and destroyed your brain. I watched the devil put the rope
around your neck but your purpose is far greater than anything your feeble mind
can comprehend while you dwell in the earth of sin. You spend days and nights so
upset and frustrated at the sins of others and you question your own salvation
when you see the false children of my family are exposed. But look around you
Marisa and see the army I have sent to protect you, look and see the fear on the
demons faces. Your heart is heavy because of the love you have for me and
others. Your hurt because of the trust you put into the worldly church when thee
gifts I have given you have given you the ability to see all these secrets on
your will. Why be surprised when I sat with you in the night hours and spoke to
you about what the next days will bring. How can you doubt the gifts and
purposes I have given you when you have seen the souls that your efforts have
drawn to me? I don’t need you to be perfect to fulfill my works and I don’t need
you to be anyone or anything else but my beloved daughter in order for me to
seek gladness in you. I am God and I am able to handle the sins of the world. I
know who has hurt you and I know who you have hurt and my judgment is fair. Your
name is in my hand and will never be distorted by the mouths of the wicked. You
have my biggest army surrounding you and those who can’t see it never knew me
and never knew attached to my side for the rib of a man will always return to
its original body. You my child are my rib and your desire to come home is the
natural desire I have given all man to seek the word and the ways of the kingdom
that I have ordained for you. I am your home and I am your light. You are my rib
dear child and there is no place in hell for you. There will be no pill to take
the life that I have ordained unless I will it so…go forth and continue your
works for I am God and I know all. You are my child and I am your father and my
love and respect is sufficient for you. I see you dear child and every minute of
every breath you take is being monitored by me alone and you will returned home.
I love you.”
Chapter 4
~ Dear Saint ~
Dear saint, the one reading this book for whatever reason God has you to read
this at this appointed time. The love of God flows from each end of the earth
and continues into eternity. The shame of the devil to end your life is a
desperate attempt to steal you from the purpose that God has for you. I tried to
kill myself and I have been saved long enough to know what happens in you commit
suicide and deep enough to be able to pray, fast and cast out enough to defeat
that demon. The way you feel is not something to be ashamed of, the life that we
are in is a temporary rest stop on the infinite journey that the lord has
ordained for us. This is the training academy for the army of the lord and this
is not promised or guaranteed to be easy, smooth sailing, or even fair. The
pressure we experience is the same pressure that a piece of coal needs to become
a most precious diamond. To defeat an enemy you must know the enemy. The suicide
demon will stay on your back and point out every single foul word, short coming,
and mistake and hiccup that you do every day but don’t normally realize. This
demon will put anything in your hand to help you to feel that your life is in
your hands and can be ended whenever you feel like. I was there and sometimes
for a while, but the one thing that I am able to feel during this low point is
the tug of war between God’s merciful hand and the devils anger towards me. When
the bottle of pills is in my hand with the cap off, I feel the lord’s warmth
upon my face no matter how dark the room gets. There are times when I feel so
empty and so alone that nobody on earth will ever understand what I feel and
that is because nobody on earth can. The pain that is felt during a depression
or depressed state is a pain that is in the soul. Those deep inner realms of you
that cannot be touched by man, Your inner self feels like it is drowning in its
own fluids and the only recourse is to let go and take the last breath. The
spirit is turned off and the flesh rolls in the physical pain of spiritual
detachment. A spiritual death is more pain full than any fleshly death the devil
can cook up. When nothing seems right and you think the whole world is out to
get you, that’s the moment where you see rock bottom, whether it is emotionally,
physically, or spiritually. The only voices you hear are the ones that are
trying to kill you and since they don’t have the power to take your lie they are
cunning in trying to convince you to do it for them so they remain blameless and
still the victor. Suicide and depression is not just for the “sinner”, the
unsaved or the worldly; these demons will come after anyone and everyone at any
time. There are circumstances and situations all over life that can slip us into
a depressed state, one so deep that we can’t even see the door way out but
coming from someone who was just in it a few pages ago, there is no storm that
can stay over one area for too long without breaking up and falling apart. The
enemy may be a cunning foe but he isn’t a long term foe, he may bother you for
what SEEMS like forever but the enemy runs out of steam too and when he does
that’s when he sends his helpers to continue to bother you or just flees until
he come at you with a different strategy. I have no perfect answers for anyone
on how to defeat the enemy but I am a witness that where ever God is there is
victory.
Chapter 5
~ Different Perspective ~
I wrote this entry a year to the day that I wrote this book; during a time where
I was strong in my faith and sensitive to the people around me whether I knew
them personally or not. What I was feeling during this season was remorse but
also strength, I felt the mercy of God and his enduring promise of keeping me in
all situations.
THE BRIDGE
A woman jumped to her death Thursday night. I didn't know her but I feel
horrible I couldn’t save her. When I was crossing the bridge after work I saw a
car parked on the side of the road with its hazards on; no one in it or around
it. I think I was the only one who noticed it but I immediately felt something was
wrong ... I didn't know why but I was urged to look at the sides of the bridge for a
person ... I didn't know what kind of person, all I knew was that I was looking for
anyone walking, standing or running on the bridge ... I didn't see anyone but I swore
to myself the minute I did I was going to stop the car and run after them ... I
crossed the entire bridge and didn't see anyone ... I still couldn't shake the feeling
that something was wrong ... I didn't sleep that night, I just prayed. The next day
was the day from hell for me, stressed out and at the end of my rope, I was
losing my mind. The devil was on my back and he was holding on tight. I was buried
neck deep in despair. After work all I could do was run to the church for
sanctuary and I didn't leave until I felt safe. Saturday I read in the paper that
a woman jumped off the bridge at the exact moment I saw that car parked on the
side of the road. The paper said she picked up the helpline phone but didn't talk
to anyone, that she was adamant about dying; they ultimately found her body
Friday morning. Once I saw that I froze, it all started to make sense and I felt
like something was wrong because something was in fact wrong. I was compelled to
look for someone because there was someone to look for. I guess I was too late
but I can't help but to think if I didn't stop for a red light or if I was going
a little bit faster I could have stopped her. I know what it's like to be in the state
of mind of death, to be in so much pain that nothing else matters anymore and all
you can do is end the pain the only way you know how. Being where I am today, I'm
not invisible to pain but now I have one tool that protects me from giving up, hope.
Not saying that this woman had no hope, she just couldn’t see it. If only I
could have gotten to her and prayed with her or held her hand or just simply given
her a hug I could have saved a life and a soul. Sometimes, just a hug can save someone's life.
I know what it's like to hurt. With Christ I can't see any reason in
hell worth taking my own life; I've been beaten, raped, stabbed, homeless, watched my
car get repossessed, have had a gun held to my head, kicked in the face, pregnant
and alone, strung out, all of it, so there's nothing anyone can tell me that could
justify suicide ... no matter how dark it looks, how foggy the road looks, how much
it hurts, how hopeless it seems, how ashamed you feel or how unbearable it is.
I'm sorrowful over that woman because she didn’t have to die so soon. Whatever was
going on in her life wasn’t worth the end. I praise God for allowing me to hear
Him that day because even though I didn’t get to that woman in time I still
cared about her and prayed for her soul and that was enough to get the devil
mad ... I realized that the enemy attacked me the next day for simply attempting
to ruin his plan ... but I can't fear something I'm much more stronger than ... I'm not
perfect but I do have something I never had before and that is hope! Everyday I'm
striving to be a better child of God and everyday I see His mercy on me ... even
if this is the last words I say to this world I'll still rejoice because I was able
to praise my Lord.
~April 14, 2011~
I added this entry into this book not show that God has let me go or that I have
lost my faith, but to show how the demon of suicide affects even those who we
aren’t closely attached to and how that death affects even those who don’t even
know us. I’ve battled the suicidal demon for years of my life but when I got
saved I would often experience seasons to where I was so girded and strong that
the demon wasn’t even able to come into the same room as me. We are constantly
transitioning between different moments of circumstances and situations. The
seasons of our lives change consistently and with these changes come either a
readiness or unpreparedness; and it’s in the unprepared season changes that we
come out the other end with the greatest amount of polish and fine tuning.
Chapter 6
~ The Truth Is ~
I am a Christian and I tried to kill myself. Not because God failed me or
because my church failed me but because I was overwhelmed. Martha was
overwhelmed with all the work she did for Jesus’ visit while Mary sat and
gained wisdom, the woman with the issue of blood was overwhelmed with her
condition, Esther was overwhelmed with her duties to her people in the face of
the king, and even Jesus was overwhelmed with his destiny to be persecuted and
die for the sake of mankind. I felt the pressure of my works for God and my
desire to be elevated. I had to be conditioned and pressure washed. Ii got angry
at God because I took over 30 pills twice and still didn’t even get sick with
vomiting. I felt alone and I was told that I was a fake that my anointing was a
joke and that whatever it was I was doing wasn’t for God. I was mocked and made
fun of, and honestly I couldn’t tell if I was just seeing things or if it was
truly happening. I didn’t understand how God could put so much inside of me but
make me so invisible. I was angry and fed up with life. Every day was the same
fight, get no sleep, fight with the kids, go to work and be persecuted and
beaten down, run around all afternoon in the midst of people with no real sense
of compassion, feeling empty and drained I searched for someone to talk to and
found no one but those who judged and persecuted me more. At first I prayed and
prayed and prayed and prayed some more but after a while I became so tired, so
weary and so weak. We should never get weary of doing good says the word of God,
but honestly the desire to check off all the boxes God has on your daily to do
list is an exhausting task. Love those are unlovable, forgive those who have
hurt you, cancel the debts of those who owe you, be in the world and not of the
world, and so on and so on but while the word rings strong in my mind I am still
left with this hand full of tears. Still confused as to why some Christians are
acting the way they acting towards me when all they preach about on Sunday is
love and respect. I’m still hurt because my church family still hasn’t used the
discernment that God gave them to atone to my spirit to come help me. I am still
disappointed that all of my examples of Godly living have become nothing but
smoke screens. Lord I am left with all of this garbage but the pick-up day is
weeks away. I don’t want to pray because I am tired and can’t think or sleep, my
body is weak from lack of food and my only solace is to end the life that has
added 10 years to my face in only 2 weeks. This is me the suicidal Christian who
knows the word and knows the comings and goings of the spirit realm but still
feels the heat of failure upon her neck. But I am not the only one. Lord knows
who else feels just like this and the only thing I can do to save my own life is
to let go and let God carry me because I am too exhausted to fight this one. The
lord said he put an army around me and all I have to do is give the word.
Forgiveness is the hardest part but I am too tired to hold onto these offenses,
cancelling debt seems unfair to me but I am too tired to keep writing these
collection notices, my soul is battered and bleeding but I am too tired to keep
an eye on the wounds to make sure no one is coming around to pour salt on them.
The law of the lord is surrender and when the sitting of suicide grips your
veins, it comes in your exhaustion to fight that God will stand and send the
largest army of the heavens to surround you waiting for the word. A gentle
whisper and the highest kingdom of the land is there to battle on your behalf
while the lord ministers and mends your heart.
This brief journey through my storm and my battle with suicide is a personal and
deeply heart felt one. This is what I lived from start to finish. When I began
writing this a couple days ago I was on my second attempt and failure, but as I
sat down and finished this in few short hours, I am beginning to feel the
strength returning to my body and my blood beginning to pump again. I am
beginning to be able to cry out to the lord in pain in hopes that he hears. For
days I couldn’t even cry, but today I am at least able to shed the first tear
towards release. Yesterday I couldn’t even think about going to church and
worshipping God, but right now I can at least picture myself in worship once
again. The devil is defeated and so with that truth I am able to at least put
the pills back in the cabinet and begin to feel like I have a heart that beats
for a purpose. Dearly beloved, the only thing I can urge you to do is to first
look at those pills before you put them in your mouth because a mere look will
begin the journey to reminding you why you are here reading this and how there
is more to what you hear in your ears at this moment. I survived because God
survived in me and you can survive because I believe in the purpose that was
birthed within you. There’s beauty in these things of God and you are God’s
property.
With love,
Sincerely,
A recovering suicidal Christian
