PART I
Chapter One
In Need Of A Partner
Every
family on earth 'll always grow to produce couples in the future. This isn't a
decision which was initiated by man but God. It was God who commanded that,
'...a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the
two shall become one flesh' - Gen. 2: 24; Matt. 19: 5. He had a very great plan
for humanity which he was fulfilling in every generation. He didn't want the man
to be alone (Gen. 2: 18, 21-24). He had a plan to have him inseparable from his
wife, so both would be life-partners, going through pain, happiness, joy and
sorrow together.
Most women often marry
because they need someone, a life-partner whom they could share all their life
burdens, worries, happiness, pain and joy with. Gracefully, some had their wish
fulfilled but some haven't even become married, in spite of their growing age.
Such questions like 'why is God not answering my prayers?' 'I have done the best
I can, fasted and fasted but I am not finding someone to propose to me. What
have I done wrong?' Then, some begin to give up and begin an immoral life just
to make them forget their situation.
(Please if you're also
going through such situations, I plead with you to take heart. God loves you
more than you can ever fathom and of course, he needs you to marry. Sometimes,
what you need is just to WAIT.)
WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU "WAIT"?
Some believers today
don't believe in waiting on God for the needs which they pray to him about.
Nothing takes God by surprise. He knows them even before they happen. He hasn't
forgotten that you aren't married, and you can trust him that he won't overlook
it too. However, it's best when you 'wait'. There are some reasons why you ought
to wait -
(a) God knows your future and the kind of persons which we are. He knows that if
we get married through our self based will, suddenly the one we're married to
begins to maltreat us, we would still come to blame him. As a servant, son or
daughter who has willed himself/herself to God, you ought to commit such need to
him and have him guide you.
(b) He mayn't need you
to marry at the time which you think you should. And if you put him in a hurry,
you're sure sometimes to end up like the Israelites who had food in their mouths
when God's judgment came upon them. But we shouldn't expect him to act that way
every time.
(c) Because of his
loving kindness toward you, he prevents you from suffering unnecessarily when
you surrender to his will. He needs you to remain at the centre of his will,
even in moments of necessary suffering.
In every part of life,
if there's any must-ask issue, it ought to be marriage. Eleazar, Abraham's
servant, found it wise to inquire of God before he began his journey to find a
good wife for Isaac. Of course, God guided him to her (Gen. 24: 7, 12-14, 45,
50, 56). Others were also used to confirm it as they believed that it truly was
God who had guided Eleazar's feet to them.
Therefore, what then
happens when you wait? In those moments of waiting on God, he would begin
preparing you for the wonderful roles which you would need to carry out in your
home. These lessons/roles could be based on 'submission' to authority (husband);
respect and real love which ought to exist between man and wife; how you ought
to talk to your wife or husband; the way you need to gently present matters to
him or her; the way you ought to take good care of your children and your man or
wife, and also help them on the godly path; dealing with your interactions
between yourself and your neighbors or relatives; respecting your boundary as a
wife or husband; how you ought to spend money and the way you need to manage
your home, and many more. You don't know how good this may seem but you can be
sure that your family, marriage, or home is the exact place where you can begin
knowing yourself as you really are. This process would begin even before and
after your marriage. Also be aware that all those things which you need to learn
about the responsibility and authority that arises when you become married can
only be learnt as you continue to follow God daily and have him guide and teach
you everything you need to know (Jn. 16:13). Those teachings which you will
learn are direct lessons which generally continue even after you get married.
Don't expect it to end just there! Why should it? It's in preparation for a real
life.
HOW DO YOU KNOW YOUR LIFE-PARTNER?
The desire or longing
to become married isn't enough. You ought to know your life-partner. Who does
God want me to get married to? Whom does he want me to serve as a helper? Let
God guide me to the right person.
Have you thought
something through? Do you think you can find your answers through the
suggestions of men? Have you checked yourself to know whom you first go to in
order to lay your request?
These questions must be
asked by you before you even talk about anything else. Some who need to get
married first go to man, asking him to pray for them or to ask God in order to
know which one they ought to marry. This may look helpful but I can tell that
it's not completely beneficial. Go to God first before meeting anyone else. It
mayn't even be necessary to have men guide you in such a matter. If you go to a
mature believer who had been trained in God's school, he won't point a person
for you to marry. Instead he would guide you back to God for him to properly
guide you in his own way.
The more you seek God
above your need, the further he'll unveil more plans which you haven't even
asked for to you. What he needs is your confidence in him, because he's not only
concerned about your happy moments but also the moments when you go through
pain.
(a) First, go to Jesus
directly in a simple prayer, presenting your request to him. However, remember
that you mustn't let your pain overthrow your relationship with him.
(b) Don't pester God
for your need but just keep loving and living in faith that he's heard you. He
heard Daniel's simple prayer the very first day (Dan. 9:22-23) but his faith was
strong even when he didn't get the reply quickly. He heard Hannah's prayer that
very moment (I Sam. 1:12-18). He also listened to Abraham's servant's prayer
that very minute (Gen. 24:12-14). So don't try to imagine that he won't answer
yours!
(c) Don't keep anyone
in mind as the one whom you want because God may try to reach you but lack of
discipline and concentration may serve as a stumbling block.
Chapter Two
An Unbearable Truth But So Rare
Several
interesting things are bound to happen when your marriage is planned by God.
(a) The person you
married will be of a good nature and will also help you live encouraged in God.
(b) Your life-partner
will understand matters so often so as to prevent arguments between you both.
Arguments could serve as a tool to have marriages divided.
(c) If God has called
you into ministry, your life partner 'll stand by you no matter what you may go
through.
(d) Your marriage 'll
reflect real love and friendship which has God at the centre.
(e) You, as a wife, 'll
find yourself becoming more submissive to your husband.
However, beside all
these which had been written pages back, you ought to know that not all persons
are meant to marry. Yeah, this is so saddening but biblical teaching concerning
marriage which one can find really hard to believe.
NOT EVERYONE ARE DESTINED TO MARRY
In this life, not
everyone are destined to marry. Some are destined by God to but there are some
who won't get married, for the sake of the kingdom. Therefore you ought to
understand that you're not sinning if you choose not to marry (I Corinthians
7:8) nor is marriage a sin (1 Corinthians 7:1).
There are people who
aren't meant to marry at all but these ones are very rare to find. If such
people keep struggling to find a lifepartner, they sure will make a huge mess of
themselves. They may become lost in this desire and knowingly or unknowingly
drift away from what he thinks about them.
Nevertheless, you don't
have to let someone decide for you if you really need to marry or not. God knows
his plans for you, so go to him. Humans can misguide but God can't. Your
feelings and other impressions can misguide you but he can't. This doesn't mean
that those feelings and impressions aren't needed. They're needed because the
Spirit may use them to guide you. Sometimes, we may feel we never may marry but
that's just a feeling. While it's a feeling, it could be of big help or supply
us bigger loss.
In his letter to the
Corinthians, Paul was on both sides - agreeing or refusing to - which means that
it required freedom of choice not absenting God's wisdom. In I Cor. 7:1, Paul
explained that it's "good" for a man not to touch a woman, which he made clear
that all he was saying wasn't to be taken as a new command but something in way
of permission. The grace to marry or not to have been given to all men.
It's a matter of choice
not absenting the will of God based on what he's planned for us. Paul used the
word, 'good' in vs. 1, but didn't use the word, 'compulsory' which imply that
the word 'good' means something 'beneficial' but not everyone can accept it. It
isn't a command that you ought not to marry nor will anyone crucify you if you
don't. To 'marry' is a great blessing which God gives anyone, and it consists of
a true life-partner who will be with us in our moments of pain and laughter for
life. Paul still used the word, 'good' in vs. 8 which in the real sense indicate
that it is 'beneficial' not 'compulsory' for the unmarried and widows to be
unmarried.
Therefore, you can see
that marriage is also a matter of choice but also a great blessing which God has
blessed the earth with. It's him who blessed the man with a wife for them to
become man and wife. Jesus taught in Matthew 19:9-12 about marriage. However,
there's the part (vs. 12) which expatiates more on eunuchs:
those who were
born eunuchs from the womb; those who were made so by men; those who made
themselves so for the kingdom of God.
These live on earth
today - some have been born that way without the opportunity to marry. For these
ones, it's their destiny! It wasn't decided by anyone but God. Those who refuse
to marry for the sake of the kingdom did this out of free will, not coercion.
They only want one thing to attend:
doing Father's
business.
Paul talked about this
in his letter:
My desire is to
have you free from all anxiety and distressing care. The unmarried man is
anxious about the things of the Lord--how he may please the Lord; 33But the
married man is anxious about worldly matters--how he may please his wife-- 34And
he is drawn in diverging directions [his interests are divided and he is
distracted from his devotion to God]. And the unmarried woman or girl is
concerned and anxious about the matters of the Lord, how to be wholly separated
and set apart in body and spirit; but the married woman has her cares [centered]
in earthly affairs--how she may please her husband (1 Corinthians 7:32-34).
He said the reason for
saying that:
Now I say this for
your own welfare and profit, not to put [a halter of] restraint upon you, but to
promote what is seemly and in good order and to secure your undistracted and
undivided devotion to the Lord (vs. 35).
In this verse, there
are two important phrases:
• "for 'ur own good"
• "Not to restrict you"
Both of these points us
toward free will.
WHEN WE STRUGGLE TO MARRY
You don't need to
struggle in order to get married. All you need to do is trust Jesus and let him
have his way. The more you struggle, the further you may make errors. It doesn't
take God a second to guide a good husband to you or wife to you. What you need
is WAIT on him!
WORDS ARE ALSO IMPORTANT!
Think about this! If
you had been asking God for someone's hand in marriage and you heard the
following as an answer:
Not Yet; No; Yes,
please don't
jump into conclusion and begin telling everyone whatever you think he might be
saying.
First consider those
words,
1. When God says
When he says
'Not Yet':
NOT YET, he doesn't mean NO. There's a difference between
No
and
Not Yet.
Therefore, don't go
tell everyone:
God said I
shouldn't marry.
Did he really say that?
He said,
WAIT!
2. When God says
'No':
This
is an answer that depends on the nature of our question. Questions like:
Lord, do you
want me to marry?
may take a NO or YES or
even a NOT YET. However, we can agree that such question rarely get a
NO.
But when we have
someone in mind, our question could be,
Lord, do you want
me to marry Jake? Lord, do you want me to marry Donna?
Such questions may take
a
Yes
or
No
depending on Father's
plan for you. If he says NO, then ask further:
Lord, if not
him/her, then who?
NOTE A PROBLEM:
ONE
Problem
which we usually fail to avoid is the error of telling everyone: 'God said
this!' 'God said that!' I have made those mistakes myself and I know how painful
it gets to be when I notice I shouldn't have said anything. However, if God
guides you to tell someone, don't fail to do so, but be sure he's the one who's
doing the guiding.
Chapter Three
Obstacles To Marriage
There
could be obstacles leading to slowness in finding a marriage partner. This could
be because of our past mistakes, present +errors or worries. Anything could do
but all that matters is committing everything to Jesus, presenting your worries,
errors to him to take care of.
If one must have
committed immorality in the past when he wasn't married, it may take time before
he finds a life-partner who accepts his past. God is big enough to bring him one
but he must first forgive himself just as he believes God has forgiven him.
Immorality is most
times an obstacle in the lives of many as they may have a child from the mistake
committed. Please note, that child isn't a child of mistake but a blessing. When
you see that child as a result of mistake, you hardly will forgive yourself but
when you see that child, though, born because of your mistake, as a real
blessing, you'll begin to know the Joy of living blessed in the present. Your
heart will be free to embrace Father's forgiveness and find his love in those
broken parts of your life.
Since your mind becomes
occupied with his love, expect him to take care of your present situation of
search for a life-partner. On a certain day, he may bring you to discover whom
you need to marry. It may occur when your spiritual life is growing or when it
still seem almost dry. This life-partner of yours will take the responsibility
of helping you out of your dreary past to embrace God's love in the present. He
could even be the one to help you see God's love in your past.
Trust God to give you
to someone who's willing to embrace your past, your child who was born out of
your past days (before marriage days) and also accept you the way you are.
WITH GOD ALL THINGS ARE POSSIBLE
Just hold to him each
day and let nothing hold you back. You may be in need of a mother/wife who is
capable of caring for your children. Or you may be in need of a man for your
children whom they may call, 'father'. This may because you're a widow or
widower and are knowledgeable of the risk involved in single parenting.
Really, it's hard
to find men and women who would want to marry someone with child, but don't let
that bother you. It's also one of the obstacles! Present it to God and he's big
enough to touch the heart of the one he wants for you. When you get your need
met, don't fail to thank him.
To God, finding someone
who fits his plan in your life isn't impossible; he knows how to handle it. Such
a person may need you for his children and you may need him/her for yours. God
is great to connect two people together who are wanting to marry for the same
reason: avoiding single parenting. In some other ways, he could guide someone to
you who has heart for children. God works that out too even when you don't
except it. Believe, sing to him!
Also, understand that
this could be a reason why he had been letting you WAIT those times; to have you
be a dad/mom to a family in need. Some moments like that too, you need not be
greedy. What you need is to ASK God for what he wants, whom and when he wants
you to marry. Don't try to do what you want. Trust him to do his will! He loves
you!
REMEMBER THIS!
One could go through
these as part of an experience.
(a) Of course, you need
to
DIFFICULT:
marry in order to have a family, children and a husband/wife whom you may
equally share the reality of life with.
It's true that
about 0.1% are never destined to marry while about 99.9% are destined to marry.
However, more than 50% don't marry the right persons while less than 50% do but
only few get to live in the full reality of a happy married-life.
You feel you're
destined to marry, for your Heavenly Father will not let you remain sad for such
small thing, a small need before his eyes.
Therefore, you may pray
and pray and it still looks very difficult to find someone, don't worry or
hurry. Keep trusting God! He has the best plan!
(b)
IMPOSSIBLE:
In a certain moment
after it looks difficult, your age begins to rise into its forties, then you
begin to wonder if God really exists. I'll tell you something: he does! It may
sometimes look like God is your enemy or is silent, then the situation looks
impossible.
Remember, Abraham
should have looked at himself and his wife's to discover how old they had grown.
They didn't fail to trust God. The situation was sure looking impossible, yet
God fulfilled his promise. God has been making promises in our lives even when
we don't seem to realize it.
Or have you forgotten
Elizabeth and Zechariah? God answered them by giving them an anointed son. The
situation looked impossible but God did his work.
(c) After it may seem
like God is against
DONE:
you and isn't ready to
help you, you may lose hope and try settle for your ability. Remember, our
ability is always destructive. Nothing good works through our ability. Suddenly,
God turns everything around. What would you do? God doesn't usually work the way
we expect him to.
He is the Reason why
those circumstances look like nothing works. He works his best into us, changing
us each moment.
However, not everyone
experience such prolonged years before marriage-life, for it's rare to find
those who do but if your situation looks like the above, don't panic. Instead,
keep trusting God, loving and listening. He's got the best plan!
PART II
This part is for those
who are going through a hard time and finally concluded divorce a major option.
Chapter Four
Are You Planning A Divorce?
Here
on earth, God has chosen to make up a good family out of every family. Most
times, we don't just appreciate his good plans but try settle for our own ways
in marriage, not caring about the big plans he has for our family.
A family oft go through
these processes:
1. Birth of a child.
2. He/she grows to be a
healthy man/woman ready for marriage.
3. We find good life
partner for him/her who will be with him/her until the last breathe.
4. If they encounter
quarrels among themselves, we try to settle it so this pact between them remains
strong and continually grow to stand whatever comes against it in the future.
Most may not be as
healthy as that but guess what? If they don't have a good life partner, there
usually may be some things like these:
1. After they get
married, they mayn't be so close again like those times they played the love
game.
2. They may quarrel
many times with each other, disrespect each other's feelings and even settle for
divorce.
That's unimpressive! It
makes God unhappy because such wonderful treasure given to you may not be
cherished. Your marriage is the big gift he's given you and if you look at it
like something dreary, you are bound to have a fight or divorce with your
husband or wife. God never intended that a man and his wife should divorce. He
knew the joy and happiness in that relationship and wants them to enjoy it.
Divorce makes things
worse, destroys relationships and even create hatred between families, brothers
and sisters and many others because of the wide disagreements which rises during
such moments.
On whose side is the
fault when we think of divorce?
I know families who
keep arguing amongst themselves about whose side the fault is. I know the pain
involved but who gets to think of the pain? The question every time shouldn't be
the talk about 'whose fault?' but praying for ways to save the relationship.
Fault-finding, blames on each other would make things worse and even result to
the final part of breaking the relationship. Whose fault is it? The truth is the
fault is on both sides when we keep asking that question.
You shouldn't be so concerned about each other's faults compare to the way we
seek God's intervention in saving the relationship. And even if you are
concerned about each other's faults, it would be for a good reason: to help each
other see true love beyond the faults you make.
In every Christian
marriage, the thought which should never come to mind is divorce. Suggesting
such a thing may mean you both never loved each other. You're just together out
of a coincidence or an accident and it may be an arranged marriage not done
willfully.
However, as a married
Christian, you have got challenges on your side. You're arranging a divorce
forgetting you've got kids to take care of, who yearn for someone whom they may
call 'papa or mama' and even if you've got none, don't you think divorcing one
another isn't a good option? How does it make you look before God? What about
the future and the pain involved? What about the children who may keep asking,
Mom, where's/who's my dad? Will you be able to bear the consequences of what the
future holds? If you decide to remarry after divorcing your wonderful husband,
have you forgotten you're caught in adultery? And if you marry again, what will
happen if the kids find out the truth about their real dad? If such incident
cause you to break your relationship with your family, friends so they won't put
a finger in it or help the situation, do you know the treasure you lose?
The reason why many
seem to divorce their husband or wife is because there is no love and trust
between them. Truth says it that it's better never to marry than to be divorced.
I agree with that! Check yourself and ask: why is this marriage about to end in
a divorce? Have I failed to play my role in any way? Have I spoken to my husband
or wife in any offensive manner? Have I lived a life not worthy of the way
Christ wants me to live so his love may also be part of my lifestyle? Is my
husband or wife seeing his love in me?
YOUR ROLES - HUSBAND
Remember this: You may
never know the value of what you have until you lose it. So it's better to know
the value of your husband or wife no matter how good or bad they are.
•
Love your wife with all
your heart, then there will be true friendship in your marriage, more laughter,
joy and happiness, longing to be with each other.
•
Don't withdraw your
body from your wife for the bible also encourages that you submit your bodies to
each other (1 Cor. 7:3-5): The husband should give to his wife her conjugal
rights (goodwill, kindness, and what is due her as his wife), and likewise the
wife to her husband. 4For the wife does not have [exclusive] authority and
control over her own body, but the husband [has his rights]; likewise also the
husband does not have [exclusive] authority and control over his body, but the
wife [has her rights]. 5Do not refuse and deprive and defraud each other [of
your due marital rights], except perhaps by mutual consent for a time, so that
you may devote yourselves unhindered to prayer. But afterwards resume marital
relations, lest Satan tempt you [to sin] through your lack of restraint of
sexual desire. And that's true of the wife too. It's true that if the man
deprives his wife of his body, it usually may lead to a quarrel. However, it may
be a senseless reason.
•
The husband should
always remember his wife in everything especially things that concern her most.
•
You should remember you
aren't a fancy hubby but a God-given husband who's to serve as an encouragement
to his wife at all times.
YOUR ROLES - WIVES
You're there to play a
big role. You've been learning these for years when you're aware and when you're
not: 'submission' to authority (husband); respect and real love which ought to
exist between man and wife; how you ought to talk to your husband; the way you
need to gently present matters to him; the way you ought to take good care of
your children and your husband, and also help them on the godly path; dealing
with your interactions between yourself and your neighbors or relatives;
respecting your boundary as a wife; how you ought to spend money and the way you
need to manage your home, and many more. You don't know how good this may seem
but you can be sure that your family, marriage, or home is the exact place where
you can begin knowing yourself as you really are.
•
Spend most of your time
growing close to your husband. Love him with all your heart, then there will be
true friendship in your marriage, more laughter, joy and happiness, longing to
be with each other.
•
Submitting to him at
all times both in body, finance, monthly earnings and others but if he insists
that he can't handle everything alone, then say a YES to him. Two heads are
better than one. That's why you're his helper to be available to him at all
times.
•
Hide nothing from him.
When you do, you are making a mistake.
•
Submit your body to him
just as he submits his to you.
HANDLING TOUGH OR SIMPLE
SITUATIONS
Truthfully, some
usually think a tough problem, which is just too disgraceful should require
DIVORCE but I will say they are wrong. The way we apply divine wisdom in small
situations is the same way we apply wisdom in tough ones. If you've ever watched
the "Married Again" (Punar Vivah) movie, you'll understand what I mean. No
matter the tough situation, what matter's most is trusting God to help settle
the problems.
But sometimes we are
just over reactive and too demanding that what our spouse do for us is just not
satisfying. We want him/her to satisfy us 100% before we know he's done
something great. It's just not pleasant! In the process where God is trying to
rescue us from the error we put ourselves in, we are heaping hotter ones and in
the process, we blame him and our partner.
Instead of that, why
not look beyond the hurt and have God guide you on how to settle the problem.
The summary of this is
that you should look beyond the poor nature of your husband or wife, forget
about the thought called divorce and see into his or her life as a real and
better man or woman. Then you will see the kind of person he really is.
God bless you for
spending Time to read this book.
If you enjoyed this
book and you feel it helped in one way or the other, tell the author how much it
means to you. Reach Samuel at:
samueljunoi@hotmail.com
gijoe4christ@gmail.com
About The Author
Samuel is a
19 years old author of self-published e-books, born in Nigeria. He has authored
over five books at smashwords and owns a blog on wordpress. To him, there's
nothing more of fun like writing Christian books. His passion for Father's
presence is one of most importance to him as he has helped several people
through the net discover how much Jesus wants to be their Friend and how much
the value in fellowship with him.
