TESTIMONIAL
 

Ok my life probably appeared to be somewhat easy to most people. I had a pretty ok bunch of school friends, a pretty ok family, and ok grades. But what everyone around me didn't know was that I was hurting so badly underneath that perky little smile. I was dying underneath. No one really saw the never ending torture that I hid every time I flashed a fake smile to someone when they asked how I was.

Or when I managed to keep the tears from falling whenever I was around people, but the pain was there hidden deep within. I hid the heartache and tears from my friends and family and I tried to hide it from myself but that was impossible. Most nights I cried myself to sleep and even if I didn’t, I was extremely unhappy.
 
At that time I knew every thing I wanted to know about Christianity and God which was basically nothing, zip, nada. People had tried to explain it to me but I always felt like they were forcing it on me so in front of them, I would act like I had accepted Jesus, but to myself knew it was a lie.

I seriously felt like I was being eaten alive from the inside with depression. I was hurting so badly and like anyone else, I wanted the pain to end. My whole life I’d felt something was missing and I wanted that so bad so maybe everything could make sense, you know. I think I understood what that piece was because I’d heard others talk about it on TV or whatever, but I’d basically rejected it.
 
I had so many problems. I started to cut myself not long after that and attempted suicide maybe five times but it never happened and to make things worse I had an eating disorder and I couldn’t even look at myself in the mirror for more than a few seconds. I wanted so bad just to die and not wake up in the morning but every day I did wake up.

One day I started thinking, why couldn’t I try something new? If it was something that I wanted, really wanted. I finally decided to give God a chance and you know it was so amazing the difference.

I finally felt like someone understood me and that God actually cared. It felt so great. I could finally "let someone in" as people say. I never talked to my friends before or my family it was like I felt no one could understand and it was so hard to let people in on what was happening, but it was easier to talk to God.
 
Things were really great for a while but then I don't know, I started having lots of doubts and I started to hurt so badly again. I couldn't figure out any way to handle the stress in my life so I started to cut myself again. As if that actually helped. It didn't, it made me feel worse but once I did, it was like almost impossible to say no. I still had serious body issues and kinda basically stopped eating full circle which didn't help things and my family and I were not getting along at all.

We always argued and never really could agree on anything. Sometimes my mom would talk to me and say, "Hun anytime you need to, you can talk to me." but I was like yeah right. My mom and I had so much tension between us and my dad and I were even worse. Even my sister and I didn't get along. I even considered running away from home, I knew where to get a job and I figured I could find a place to live and make enough money for food.

But some friends helped talk me out of it when I finally told them about what I was thinking. I tried to stick it out but the arguments kept getting worse and worse. and besides that I started to feel really miserable, like God didn't care anymore and that all this was meant for nothing. I even stopped reading the Bible totally and my prayers got shorter and further apart, I felt like God had abandoned me totally.

After that, to make matters worse, I lost my best friend. One of the only ones that I felt ever listened to me. Every day I woke up excited to talk to him and then, poof he was gone. I've heard of people coming in and out of your lives like that, but I was like seriously, come on how much must the world be against me? I was miserable and my best friend was gone forever. How could God let me be like this, doesn't he care?

Wow you know I've got no idea how I even made it thru that time in my life. I remember one night I was gonna take a drug overdose and I took about half the overdose and spit the rest out. Why? This is what I wanted, for it to be over. I wanted life to not be so hard but that wasn't gonna happen yet. I had absolutely no faith in anyone anymore and I didn't let myself trust friends or strangers or family, anyone. I felt they'd just let me down and that would push me over the edge.

I was totally closed up now and didn't bother trying to get attention from people by telling them my problems, I didn't bother asking for prayer and I was totally quiet in front of my friends. I started feeling really out of place with them so I kinda stopped hanging out with them because I was afraid they'd judge me and turn on me, and hate me and I couldn't take that. Not after everything else that had happened.

I had three friends that I felt I could go to, all seemed incredibly supportive. But every time I told them things they all said the same thing, "Jezz your not supposed to be able to do this on your own, you gotta turn to God and really mean what you say."

I did pray and did try to mean what I said but I still didn't fully get it. You have to really really trust him and rely on him which was extremely hard for me and probably hard for everyone else too. I kept telling people I can't do this and they kept saying, "Yeah you can."

What didn't help everything was I found out the anorexia problem was bad, meaning basically almost no chance of survival. I kind of was cut in two different ways, one way thinking, "Great. No more fighting, this can end." the other way was thinking, "I don't want to die yet, I want to be able to do what I always wanted, to help other people, and you can't do that when your dead." I basically decided to try as hard as I could to gain weight and so far amazingly weight is balancing, I'm still on the very thin side but off the danger zone.

I used to hate it when people said life is hard, I always wondered if life has to be hard why does it have to be this hard? Maybe can it be a little easier? I always wondered when the good part would come, when finally everything could just stop for a little while and it would pass.

I could barely sleep and when I did I overslept. and every day I felt drained and tired and couldn't really do much else besides watch tv or go surf the web. I think I prayed almost every night and said I was trying to trust and have faith but I couldn't let go of everything. Its not that I didn't want to let go, to let everything be ok again, but I couldn't.

Anytime I thought about things that were hurting me I totally broke down and anytime a friend asked what was wrong I had a hard time telling them, like I couldn't put it into words.

OK, needless to say this was a very very very hard time. Parents/some friends didn't quite get it and to be absolutely truthful I don't think I did either. I was so so down all the time I knew one thing thru everything though that even though I hurt right then I wanted to live and make things better but I had absolutely no clue how to do this. You know one thing I want to tell yall, one thing that happened to me one night that sort of shifted my views a little.

One night after everyone in the house was gone I locked my bedroom door and I cried forever. Ok to make one thing clear though I don't really cry a whole lot I don't know maybe it comes from the fear that I'll be like one of those girls that cries over nothing.

Ok off topic well that night I did cry a whole lot and I was praying so hard, begging Jesus to hear me and to answer. In fact I even said those words, "Jesus please hear me. please answer me." and you know what's weird as soon as I said that everything sort of stopped, almost like time seemed to stop or something, its hard to explain. But I felt this calm feeling wash over me and I didn't hurt anymore, at all. Not just that I didn't want to cry I didn't hurt AT all. It was cool, but anyways I had no problem sleeping that night and I felt like smiling or laughing that's how good it felt.

But the next day I woke up and I felt the same pain again and I didn't get it, I thought maybe I'd dreamt everything up but I knew it was real, sure sometimes I have a wild mind but I never could make up what I felt. But what I so didn't understand was if Jesus did that for me, why would he let it come back again? I didn't understand that.

One thing I knew was that you can't be split in two. Meaning that you can't be all for God one day and ready to commit suicide the next because I was switching back and forth the whole time, one day I'd pray and say I'll try I promise I won't even think about suicide. The next day it was like I was fingering the bottle of pills in my hand again, usually what would happen is I'd take half the dose and not take the full overdose.

But anyway I knew God was real right? But I felt like.... well there was nothing I could do to change things (which figuratively speaking is true) but I felt like I was worthless too and that Jesus couldn't possibly care. I was thinking maybe if I knew that Jesus cared and wanted me to try I might make it. You know? It was hard because my whole life I felt like I wasn't cared about.

I am growing up in a situation where I'm basically the black sheep of our family. I feel like I'm just watching my family doing things and like I'm not really here or its like a dream. My sis is the son that my dad always wanted and for my mom, she's the one who has stuff in common with her.

Unlike me, which my mom does not get, she doesn't get my interesting artistic style. I blend in the shadows and am the mysterious type I guess. But my mom doesn't understand why I am who I am. I like who I am.... Well some things about who I am.

But I hated so bad that I felt like I was nothing... nothing to everyone I met. I always felt like no one loved me or cared and that was something I
wanted so bad. Even that one night I told you all about, I don't know it started to confuse me. I knew it was real but I started to doubt what happened. I wanted this ache to go away, know someone cared and I didn't understand that if Jesus was real and cared why couldn't I feel
it?
 
A lot of times when things went wrong, I would go hold on to the knife and just run it across my skin to kind of soothe everything or I'd just roll the bottle of Tylenol around in my hand and just stare at those pills thinking what it would be like... to not feel anymore.

I was scared though. I was scared that since I knew Jesus was real what would happen if I did it, if I killed myself, did myself in. Because people said supposedly he's the first one you see, so I got scared. I knew he wouldn't exactly be happy. I didn't even know if he cared but I know he'd either be unhappy about me killing myself or unhappy about how bad I
messed up my life.


Ok I knew something had to be changed because apparently I wasn't getting anywhere. I'd lost my best friend, my family was pulling apart, and I felt like I was hanging off a cliff and no one cared or wanted to
help.
 
I prayed really really prayed believe me by now I could sort of feel that God heard me but I didn't think he'd answer, and I wasn't so sure I could wait. I was upset one night after a major thing with my mom and I cut myself again.... I don't know I felt relief for a second after seeing the blood that I'd cut thru to. but then I felt sort of disappointed and worried because I'd promised myself no more cutting but I did it again then I felt really bad and I was afraid if God did care, that once again I'd messed up, I mean how many chances would he give someone like me? So I felt really guilty thinking oh great this is supposed to be my chance to show God I'll give this to him and once again I go and ruin it. so for a while I felt weird and didn't pray or talk to anyone else much....

The next night I had the knife, well actually math compass I figured no one would think I'd cut with that. Well anyway I had it in my hand getting ready to cut again but for some reason I couldn't I'd run it across my skin then stop until finally I thought why am I doing this?

So I let it drop to the floor, and I started thinking I don't want this I don't want this, I want God! I prayed and truth be told I wasn't so sure what I thought after I did, but I knew this blade isn't what I want. I knew I wanted God to be real and care and have him in my life, that's what I wanted and I didn't care what I had to leave me behind if everything could just be ok again.... u know?

I was put into a mental health unit for suicide attempts. I'll tell you about what happened. On a Saturday night I was so low... I think it was about 1
in the morning on Sunday when I began to get really serious about taking my own life. Usually I bounce from ok to low but I was planning on killing myself that night/morning. I had 2 full bottles of tylenol now 1 bottle would have done it but I was playing it safe.

I was about to take the pills but I had a real urge to call my youth pastor. He knew some of the troubles I was going through and he had been looking out for me when he could. I called up his house but I freaked out and hung up, thinking I just wanted to get this over with I didn't want to talk to someone who would certainly dissuade me from taking my life.

I heard this voice in my mind, just call and let the phone ring twice. So I did for some reason.... anyway I had the bottle in my hand and I said, "Jesus if you truly care about me send help." I was just sitting staring at the pills for about 2 minutes when I finally decided I was gonna do it. I had the pills in my hand and right when I was gonna take it I heard
a knock on our front door. Now I was freaking out, who on earth could be at our door at 1 or 2 in the morning?

About a minute later after my parents got the door two police officers walked into my room. One went out to talk to my parents and the other one sat down across from me and said, "Jezz did you take some pills
tonight?" I shook my head no. Then he said, "Jezz were you going to take some pills?" and I nodded he talked with me for a bit and asked me why I was going to kill myself.

I told him some of the problems I was having and he just nodded. then he asked if there was anything else. I said yeah but it was spiritual. He sat down next to me and said "Now we're getting somewhere." I found out when we were talking that he was a Christian, he told me "You know sometimes in life we go through something that seems impossible to us and
sometimes it is, but it makes us stronger. Do you think maybe this is one of those times?"

I didn't say anything. He told me he was gonna take me to a place overnight but not to freak out on him. I couldnt even look at my parents as the police took me to the car. They took away everything I had in my pockets but I guess they trusted me enough not to have to handcuff
me so I wouldnt run away. I sat in the back of the police car and I was just crying and crying so hard. Think if all this had happened to you what would you do?

When all of a sudden I stopped, I looked over next to me. I just had this strange feeling that someone was right there but no one was. But I sort of felt calmer, I heard, "Its alright your not gonna face this alone tonight, Gods with you." It wasnt out loud but I still heard it. I spent the night in this place it was sort of like a prison.
 
The next morning an ambulance arrived to take me to the hospital there was a young guy in the back of the ambulance, training for his medical license. he sat down next to me, he said why would a young girl like you be going to a place like this? I told him I tried to kill myself and he started talking to me about his personal experiences and how Jesus had helped him.

I was sort of weirded out 2 Christian guys had talked to me about God.... but I was comforted a little bit. I wasn't making any progress at the hospital, my family sessions went extremely horrible and I was so down.  The only thing holding me together was what I heard that night in the cops car, made me feel like there might be hope.

I cried myself to sleep most nights and the doctors were trying to get some progress out of me but nothing. they were talking to me but still not much.
There was a tech at the hospital I confided allot in, he was a young guy in his late twenties. He'd gone thru some stuff when he was younger and he sort of knew how I felt.

One day I was sitting down and eating my dinner with him, and he said. "So I met your parents today." I just nodded. He said, "They seem ok. But you know one thing I could tell about them just talking to them?"
I shook my head. "That they really love you Jezz." he said.

I dont know that sort of stunned me but it was on my mind for awhile. the doctors kind of forced me out of the hospital after 11 days they really had no choice they were kind of threatening me saying that they would have to put me into a group home like Merridian which isn't a nice place if I stayed much longer. It wasnt their choice because the regular stay is 2-5 days and I'd been there for 10 or 11.

When I got home I didnt make any progress, I was hurting bad and I was still seriously considering suicide my parents took away all the pills so i couldnt overdose but even when they did I could have killed myself if I wanted, there was things everywhere, I held on though for some reason.
one night about 2 in the morning I woke up which is bad because it takes me forever to fall asleep and I hate night because I can't stand the thoughts that come to mind. I hated it... because I started thinking about things I wish I could just forget, I cried... so hard. I got out a razor blade I'd swiped from my dad, I've always used a math compass which is pretty hard to use.

I took out the razor and cut my wrist twice and I couldn't believe how much easier it cut, and it didn't hurt much but like most cutters the pain is what I wanted. the blood seeped out.. ok graphic I know sorry I wrapped up the cuts on my arm and cut the razor across my leg. I was freaked because this was the most blood I'd ever gotten out by cutting and it still
hadn't stopped bleeding ten minutes later. I wrapped my leg up and just tried to keep pressure on it. the thought finally hit me, you cut again.. you promised you wouldn't! I was afraid to pray... scared that God was even more disappointed or mad at me. but I was still crying so hard and I felt this total vortex of hopelessness swallow me up. this was the most empty
feeling I've ever had in the world. and the most pain that was weighing down on me EVER..

I had the razor in my hand ready to slit my wrist and kill myself. I could feel my spirit dying... it sounds strange but I could feel my spirit falling apart, my hope was being drained and something was killing me... I was dying and I was afraid. but I prayed. I didnt care anymore I dropped down on my knees and cried out for help to God. I said, "Whatevers trying to kill me is winning God because I am dying inside right now it is KILLING ME. I need you! help."

I poured out my heart to him for about an hour and a half, I cried so much and told him how sorry I was for how selfish I've been and how sorry I am for hurting my parents, I said, "God please forgive me. I'm hurting the people around me and I'm so sorry. I'm not trying to hurt them but this pain inside of me is killing me and I can't get rid of it, help me." I'm not gonna say all of it because its private but I cried out to him about everything... the loss of my friend, family problems, this addiction, everything. I cried out for help and I knew he heard because some sort of inner strength filled me, and a calming. not that the pain was/is gone but someone was there!
 
My life changed over the next couple of weeks and changed even more as time moves on. I have to look back at all that and see that God really did care, he sent someone to stop me from killing myself that night and he helped ease what I'd been feeling for so long.

Ok I was so messed up and so down. I wanted to give up and just let everyone else live this life. I understood what it meant to feel lost, to feel
unloved, and to hate what I saw when I looked in the mirror. I knew what it was like to be addicted to something and try to down out the pain I felt, and seriously if I could have gotten a hold off drugs I honestly would have taken them so maybe I could get so high I could forget everything. I almost hated my family.... almost. I knew my mom was a good mom and I
knew she tried but I was so mad at her because she never saw I was even the slightest bit messed up, how could she not notice that? notice the knife I kept under my pillow, or notice the bottle of Tylenol I kept "just in case"  everything was hurting me so bad, I didn't think it was possible to hurt like this before.  I didn't think anyone could understand what I was going through. I thought God didn't care that nothing could change you know I wanted to feel that I could do something feel like I was worth something to God, feel like there was hope for a freak like me.  well maybe some of you understand what all this feels like, maybe you know what it means to cry yourself to sleep every night. trust me I get it, oh for sure I get it.

But guess what changed in me? I had to make a decision u know? I had to really let go of this and trust God to help me. not trust in myself, or friends, but God. It was hard, trust me I'm not gonna lie and say it was easy. But Jesus is real I know that, he really is. If anyone thinks that God could possibly not care about them that they've done too much, listen to me I thought that same thing but hey he does care. Its hard when you feel like nobody gets you, but guess what? He does its pretty cool if you just accept it.

Hey if anyone reading this is going through something if you've lost someone, or you're looking for help through the pain you're feeling inside. hey maybe you don't even understand what your feeling but you're hurting. Well take my advice please, I felt all this none of this is a lie its all truth. I was addicted to cutting myself I hated looking at myself in the
mirror, I felt no one understood, I was basically a social outcast, and I was hurting so bad and so deep.

I get it, I have felt so much and felt there was no way out, but there is!
trust me, I CHOSE to trust HIM. it was my own choice and you know something changed when I did. honestly not right away, but I felt hope I honestly felt like maybe there was the smallest chance he cared about me
and that's what I'd wanted. You gotta choose too if you r going thru something you gotta choose HIM he CARES.

I'm being totally honest, I know he does, he never stops caring. Listen if I hadn't have taken a chance and trusted him I would be dead right now. I would have killed myself and I wouldn't be here trying to help you all. I'm not gonna lie to you and tell you if you do this if you choose to trust God it'll all go away everything will be perfect. No, it won't be perfect but I promise you it will be easier. you'll have someone there, someone to care about you, hey I care.

No honestly I do, because if anyone of you are hurting inside I understand. I understand what it feels like and I really am asking you to consider taking a chance and going to Jesus. I am still going thru a some pain in my life but I have someone to help me with it now, come on trust me. just give it a chance if nothing else has helped, come on! try  life is so worth it. hey I honestly never thought I'd ever say those words but life IS worth it. God cares and wants to help.

I promise God does hear you, so please just try. Before you go back to whatever you were doing, suicide, pills, whatever just ask God for help. truly ask him, come on what have you got to lose, you have something to gain though. hang in there. I can't convince you but I do promise I get what your feeling, maybe anger, sadness, confusion, pain, or any other
feeling. I understand so trust me on this there is a way. JESUS