Introduction

     I felt that God wanted me to write this book. He is my inspiration and I hope you will find God to be your inspiration as you read this book so that you can put your faith in Him. This book is based on my experience that I hope will help you feel comforted. Miscarriage and losing your baby is a saddening, shocking and confusing experience.

      I grew up being a Christian and was raised in church all twenty-eight years of my life. Now I have had other personal challenges, such as divorced parents, and a sleep disorder. God helped me through those parts of my life, but going through this challenge and tragedy has been huge and even tougher! If it weren’t for God in my life, the pain of losing my baby would be so much greater. I thank God every day for my blessings and I hope you will find yourself doing that, too. I also want to thank my loved ones and my church family for your prayers and support. You also have helped bring peace and healing though your prayers.

      I hope this book finds you feeling encouraged and ease your pain of your loss. I pray that your experience touches your life the same way it did mine and will help you lean on God more than you did before. May God direct your path and lead you to peace.

      My husband I totally planned our pregnancy, I got pregnant right away in August 2006 and my ultrasounds were exciting. I found out I was pregnant a week after my husband’s birthday, which made it special. He wanted to tell our family right away and I wanted to wait awhile; we did end up telling them in September.

      I prayed sometimes for our baby. My husband prayed for me and the baby all the time. I was happy about having a summer baby due in May since I’m a substitute teacher. I knew I wanted to stay at home and it would be perfect timing. I had a relationship with God and felt it had been strengthened in the past, but I had no idea what he had in store for me. I went through the first trimester, no problems. We got to hear the baby’s heartbeat and I was so excited and ecstatic about it I wrote a letter to my baby. (I’m crying and feel such sadness as I think back about how excited I was.) At 14 weeks pregnant, my husband and I were relieved to know we got past the riskier part, being the first trimester usually is most likely to miscarry. 

      The week of Thanksgiving I was going for my regular checkup and brought my mom along with me. We were going to go shopping for maternity clothes after the appointment. Well, this ended up, unknowingly, as being the worst day of my life ever. As the doctor was searching for the heartbeat, he said, “Oh dear.” My mom started to look very worried. He had us move to a better, more expensive ultrasound since he had trouble finding the heartbeat. I started to get worried.

      Well, he checked again and heard the biggest shock of my life that the baby died and saw my poor baby on the ultrasound curled up with its head down no longer alive (an image I will never forget). My husband was there as quick as he could. I couldn’t even tell him, I had my mom call him. We were brokenhearted and devastated. The week of Thanksgiving! Like I said I’m a teacher, and what a way to spend time off - coping with the loss of my baby! I had a D and C the day before Thanksgiving; we figured that was best. Of course, the holidays had been completely different now. I thought I’d get to know the baby’s gender right before Christmas and now would be grieving over our precious little one no longer with us. 

      I’m usually an optimistic person, so knowing we could try again and not having trouble conceiving wasn’t an issue, I knew we could try again. This helped ease the pain for me. We would wait the recommended time- three months. This gave me hope.

      February came. Like we’d thought, I found out I was pregnant in March and the baby was due in November. Even though I had a miscarriage, my first appointment wasn’t even until May. I said, “Why so late? I want to be seen sooner since I had a miscarriage before.” Well I did get an earlier appointment, so I was happy. Since I had to be at work to help with STAR testing, the appointment had to be rescheduled so I wasn’t going to be seen until eleven weeks for my first appointment. This was past the first baby’s due date. This seemed so unfair. I had a difficult time with this and was angry with how the doctor’s office had been treating me.  
 

     My appointment had finally arrived and of course I asked my husband to come with me. I couldn’t go alone after what happened in the past. I didn’t like the nurse practitioner. I sensed something wasn’t right as she was looking at the ultrasound machine. She pretended to act like she knew what she was doing and brought in another doctor (my regular doctor wasn’t around that day). They sent us to another location where they have better ultrasound machines. Nobody would tell us anything, but I already feared and guessed the worst as they took tons of photos of the fetus . The practitioner told me what I already figured, “ They couldn’t find the heartbeat.” Well what was that supposed to mean? The following Monday, yes we had to go through the weekend not knowing what on earth was going on, it was confirmed by the doctor that there was no fetal pole. Again it wasn’t meant to be. This was even worse, too. I tried to wait it out and miscarry naturally, but I had such horrible cramps the following weekend that I ended up in the emergency room where I had a small D and C. This time I was awake for it. Not the most pleasant thing but I knew I would feel better than I did with the severe cramping.

      So with all that said, my story hasn’t actually sounded very sweet of all things, has it? But you and I know God hasn’t finished this story yet. This is the part of it though that I know he wants me to share with you. One day (after the first miscarriage), I was just doing my own thing, sitting and watching television when a voice said “Write a book.” I was thinking hey that’s a good idea. Well, that became my 2007 resolution! I pray that you don’t have repeated miscarriages but that’s what happened to me. It’s been pretty tough, and I’ll tell you God has healed me but my babies are definitely not forgotten. I think about them all the time especially since the first boy’s due date (we found out it was a boy from chromosomal testing). 

      I will tell you and warn you that seeing other pregnant women and newborn babies are tough. I feel like I saw a ghost a couple weeks ago knowing that that baby is around the same age as my first. Nobody will know how you feel unless they have gone through it and it’s not fun. I don’t wish it on anyone. I have read some books about dealing with miscarriage but it still hurts. The hurts don’t go away, but God will help lessen it. He will give you peace and I feel he has somewhat given me that along with a closer relationship to Him. The experience will help someone else , as I ended up reaching out to someone else at my church who had an early miscarriage. 

      Prayer is important. Even if you have never prayed before, pray with someone or by yourself. God is always listening. Following are some Bible verses you can turn that continue to guide and comfort me: 

Psalms 10:14 But you do see the trouble and grief they cause. The helpless put their trust in you.

Proverbs 10:1 A wise child brings joy to his father; a foolish child brings grief to a mother.

Proverbs 14:13 Laughter can conceal a heavy heart; when the laughter ends, the grief remains.

Ecclesiastes 1: 18 For the greater my wisdom, the greater my grief. To increase knowledge only increases sorrow.

Lamentations 3:32 Though he brings grief, he also shows compassion according to the greatness of his unfailing love. 

John 16:20 Truly, you will weep and mourn over what is going to happen to me, but the world will rejoice. You will grieve, but your grief will suddenly turn to wonderful joy when you see me again.

1 Peter 1:6 So be truly glad! There is wonderful joy ahead, even though it is necessary for you to endure many trials for awhile.

Job 35: 9-10 The oppressed cry out beneath the wrongs that are done to them. They groan beneath the power of the mighty. Yet they don’t ask, “Where is my God the Creator, the one who gives us songs in the night?”

Isaiah 40: 10 -11 See, he brings his reward with him as he comes. He will feed his flock like a shepherd. He will carry the lambs in his arms, holding them close to his heart. He will gently lead the mother sheep with their young.

Isaiah 40:31 But those who wait on the Lord will find new strength. They will fly high on wings like eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not faint.

Matthew 5:4 God blesses those who mourn, for they will be comforted.

2 Corinthians 1: 3, 6, and 7 All praise to God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. He is the source of every mercy and the God who comforts us. He comforts us in all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When others are troubles, we will be able to give them the same comfort God gives us. So when we are weighed down with troubles, it is for your benefit and salvation! For when God comforts us, it is so that we, in turn, can be an encouragement to you. Then you can patiently endure the same things we suffer.

Isaiah 53:5 But he was wounded and crushed for our sins. He was beaten that we might have peace. He was whipped and we were healed!

Romans 5:1 Therefore, since we have been made right in God’s sight by faith, we have peace with God because of what Jesus Christ our Lord has done for us.

Galatians 5:22 But when the Holy Spirit controls our lives, he will produce this kind of fruit in us: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.

Philippians 4: 6-7 Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all he has done. If you do this, you will experience God’s peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. 

Proverbs 3: 5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek his will in all you do, and he will direct your paths.

John 14: 27 “I am leaving you with a gift-peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give isn’t like the peace the world gives. So don’t be troubled or afraid.”

Joanne Hintz currently lives in Sacramento, California with her husband. She is a fully credentialed substitute teacher who hopes to have her own class someday and also teaches children piano. She also hopes to have two more children (here on earth though)!