Mother's Influence

The Truth of Alissa Lynne

by Alissa Lynne - Purple Butterfly of Christ

Chapter 4 - Mother's Influence

My mom – so many times, I have referred to my mom in my writings. She was a woman that I never really understood until she was gone. It is funny how you never really appreciate what you have until it is gone from you. We need to be thankful for our parents regardless of how they are. You never know what they are going through. My mom was a battered wife, she was sexually abused as a child, and she was shifted from home to home until she was about school age. She remembered all of it. She was insecure and she had low self-esteem. I was scared to death of her, and yet I loved her so much.

When I was growing up, she found out about what was going on with my step dad and what he was doing. Her own insecurities of being alone are what allowed her to allow this man to come back into our lives. She started a spiral downhill for her and me that she was not aware of at the time. I believe that she realized it too late, but she did try to change it later on in my life.

I grew up scared of her and what she would do if I did not do what she said to do. My mom did not play when it came to discipline and we were to listen to what she said to do. My mom appeared to be a strong woman who had it all together. I did not know then that was a mask that she put forward. I did not know that she was so scared and so insecure inside. I was about 29 years old when I told her in an argument that my stepfather had molested me for years; this was after he had died. She was recovering from a nervous breakdown, for she lost my grandmothers within months of each other and my step father died and she had wished death on him a week before he died. She always told me that you needed to be careful of what you wish for because you just might get it.

Well, she was devastated with the news I handed her but she realized then why I rebelled so much and why I blamed her for my life. I went through a period of my life that I could not stand my mother or the sight of her. If she said it was blue, I would say it was green. If she told me to do it one-way, I did it another way. If she wanted to see me, I would say I was coming and never show up. I did not like her and I did not want to be around her. I started talking to a family relative about things in my life and getting it all out. I have to say that if it was not for her...I wonder what would have happened. I know that God placed her in my life for that very reason.

I attended therapy sessions, but never met a therapist I was comfortable with. God blessed me to work the pain out by placing key people in my life to help. I believe He leads us all differently and it is important to know His direction for you. I had a deep dislike and love for my mom. I blamed her for my life, for why I was the way I was. I started to realize that she knew what was going on but ignored it. I remember how she would corner me and tell me that if something was going on with my step dad and me, that she would beat my butt just like the women in the street. I was 10 years old and hearing how my mom was going to beat me up over a man who was molesting me. I was walking around scared to breathe sometimes, but still striving to win her love. All I wanted was for her to be proud of me and to love me. I relished in the moments that she would pay some attention to me.

My years as a teenager was more like we were best friends, she had just received newfound freedom and so did I. We were just doing what we wanted; acting like the hoochie mamas we wanted to be. She did not take notice of me until I told her that I might be pregnant. I was not but I was always thinking I was and finally told her that I was having sex. Not a good thing at all, as she wanted to confine me to a less active life, it was too late then for I was headed to college. I was still scared of her and pretty much for a while did whatever she wanted me to do until I started feeling my own freedom. I have to say that it was Jonathan's dad that broke me of that, my mom could not stand that. I was really in love with him, as much as I was capable of. He would put his foot down about her and me, so I would give into him. My mom had a hard time with that, and so did I. I became even more confused and distant in our relationship. At this time, we were either hot or cold. It was not healthy for either one of us. I always felt like I was in competition with my own mother. It just seemed like I never did anything right in her eyes.

My mom and I started to amend our relationship slowly over the last 5 years of her life and mind you, this was a very slow process. My mom had mental health issues, she was bi-polar and some other things. It would cause issues with us sometimes as she would get very paranoid about things and take things out on those close to her. She could not help it but sometimes it was hard to deal with. I resented her for not leaving him and keeping me in that environment. I had to learn that she was hurting too and that sometimes when we are hurting we do things that we do not truly understand. She wanted to be loved also and thought that was the best that she would ever have. It took me years to get past the fact that she did not do it on purpose but out of scared of being alone. It took years for me to understand that it was not about me, it was about her. It took me years to understand that my mom was human and she made mistakes. She had remarried and her husband had a drug problem. Oh the mess with that...I tell ya the things you do for family.

When she started, getting sick....she had hepatitis C, she was a diabetic, and she had lupus. I am grateful to God that at the time of her death all her children where at peace with her. She had a tendency to be mad at one of us all the time but this time, no one was in the "dog house". I am glad about that.

As I look back on her life and how the lack of communication on her parent's behalf caused her a lot of resentment in her. She was not aware of the reasoning of things that had happened in her life until after her mother passed away. Many things were revealed to her and I believe that if these "secrets" were not kept from her, that things might have been different for her too. I am not in any ways blaming my grandparents for their decisions, they believed that they were doing the best thing for her, but in turn, it just made things worse.

This situation has influenced me not to hide things from my son, to be open with him in what is going on with me. I am always very honest with him with the things that he asks me when he wants to know something. I keep it simple because he is still young, but give him enough to satisfy his question and his understanding of the situation.

I learned from my mom that we all have masks and we should not walk around with the masks and allow people to see the real us. It is not easy to do but I am trying to do this more and more every day. My mom was famous for not revealing all of herself or thoughts to one person. As I look back now and know what I know now, I see that I have followed that same pattern. I believe that is true of those that have been abused in some manner, because you do not feel that you can trust someone with all of your heart and thought, that one person cannot know all of you.

My mother and I have had similar issues in life and I am my mother's daughter in more ways than I care to admit to. I am thankful to God for my mother despite all the obstacles that have been presented in my life. See, as a mother now, I know that I will make mistakes, and I know that some how I am not going to do something right. I just know that because of my mom, I want to be the kind of mother who is there for my son no matter what. I want to be the one that he turns to for help and for him to know that I am there for him. I want to teach him to be independent and stand strong, and yet it is okay to cry when the pain hurts. I truly thank my mom for that.

Linda Jean - March 23, 1948 to November 16, 2005

Standing here before you, our hearts are sad and glad. Wednesday night was one of the hardest days of our lives. We had to say goodbye to our biggest supporter. She was our hero, our strength, our biggest and loudest cheerleader. Growing up we used to think our friends were weird because they thought our mom was cool. As we look back now, she was.

She was so cool, we were disciplined and grounded. She was so cool, we were chastised and reprimanded. She was so cool, we were made to share and be nice to our siblings. She was so cool, we had to write sentences and stand in the corner. She was so cool, she sent my sisters to "interrupt" my dates. She was so cool; we had to go to Sunday school. She was so cool; we could not stay up late.

She was so cool; we are not addicted to drugs. She was so cool, we are not in jail. She was so cool, we are strong and independent. She was so cool, we are polite and respectful. She was so cool; we will fight the world for each other. She was so cool; we can take care of ourselves and each other. She was so cool; we help who ever is in need. She is so cool; we were taught that our family is always important.

Because she was so cool, we can stand before the world with our heads held high, even when our hearts are hurting, knowing that our love for her and her love for us made us who we are today. Our mom will be missed by us, but because of her coolness, we are proud and glad to have had her as our mother.