THE TRUTH OF ALISSA LYNNE
by Alissa Lynne - Purple Butterfly of Christ
Chapter 4 - Mother’s Influence
My mom – so many times, I
have referred to my mom in my writings. She was a woman that I never
really understood until she was gone. It is funny how you never really
appreciate what you have until it is gone from you. We need to be thankful
for our parents regardless of how they are. You never know what they are
going through. My mom was a battered wife, she was sexually abused as a
child, and she was shifted from home to home until she was about school
age. She remembered all of it. She was insecure and she had low
self-esteem. I was scared to death of her, and yet I loved her so much.
When I was growing up, she found out about what was going on with my step
dad and what he was doing. Her own insecurities of being alone are what
allowed her to allow this man to come back into our lives. She started a
spiral downhill for her and me that she was not aware of at the time. I
believe that she realized it too late, but she did try to change it later
on in my life.
I grew up scared of her and what she would do if I did not
do what she said to do. My mom did not play when it came to discipline and
we were to listen to what she said to do. My mom appeared to be a strong
woman who had it all together. I did not know then that was a mask that
she put forward. I did not know that she was so scared and so insecure
inside. I was about 29 years old when I told her in an argument that my
stepfather had molested me for years; this was after he had died. She was
recovering from a nervous breakdown, for she lost my grandmothers within
months of each other and my step father died and she had wished death on
him a week before he died. She always told me that you needed to be
careful of what you wish for because you just might get it.
Well, she was devastated with
the news I handed her but she realized then why I rebelled so much and why
I blamed her for my life. I went through a period of my life that I could
not stand my mother or the sight of her. If she said it was blue, I would
say it was green. If she told me to do it one-way, I did it another way.
If she wanted to see me, I would say I was coming and never show up. I did
not like her and I did not want to be around her. I started talking to a
family relative about things in my life and getting it all out. I have to
say that if it was not for her…I wonder what would have happened. I know
that God placed her in my life for that very reason.
I attended therapy
sessions, but never met a therapist I was comfortable with. God blessed me
to work the pain out by placing key people in my life to help. I believe
He leads us all differently and it is important to know His direction for
you. I had a deep dislike and love for my mom. I blamed her for my life,
for why I was the way I was. I started to realize that she knew what was
going on but ignored it. I remember how she would corner me and tell me
that if something was going on with my step dad and me, that she would
beat my butt just like the women in the street. I was 10 years old and
hearing how my mom was going to beat me up over a man who was molesting
me. I was walking around scared to breathe sometimes, but still striving
to win her love. All I wanted was for her to be proud of me and to love
me. I relished in the moments that she would pay some attention to me.
My years as a teenager was more like we were best friends, she had just
received newfound freedom and so did I. We were just doing what we wanted;
acting like the hoochie mamas we wanted to be. She did not take notice of
me until I told her that I might be pregnant. I was not but I was always
thinking I was and finally told her that I was having sex. Not a good
thing at all, as she wanted to confine me to a less active life, it was
too late then for I was headed to college. I was still scared of her and
pretty much for a while did whatever she wanted me to do until I started
feeling my own freedom. I have to say that it was Jonathan’s dad that
broke me of that, my mom could not stand that. I was really in love with
him, as much as I was capable of. He would put his foot down about her and
me, so I would give into him. My mom had a hard time with that, and so did
I. I became even more confused and distant in our relationship. At this
time, we were either hot or cold. It was not healthy for either one of us.
I always felt like I was in competition with my own mother. It just seemed
like I never did anything right in her eyes.
My mom and I started to amend
our relationship slowly over the last 5 years of her life and mind you,
this was a very slow process. My mom had mental health issues, she was
bi-polar and some other things. It would cause issues with us sometimes as
she would get very paranoid about things and take things out on those
close to her. She could not help it but sometimes it was hard to deal
with. I resented her for not leaving him and keeping me in that
environment. I had to learn that she was hurting too and that sometimes
when we are hurting we do things that we do not truly understand. She
wanted to be loved also and thought that was the best that she would ever
have. It took me years to get past the fact that she did not do it on
purpose but out of scared of being alone. It took years for me to
understand that it was not about me, it was about her. It took me years to
understand that my mom was human and she made mistakes. She had remarried
and her husband had a drug problem. Oh the mess with that…I tell ya the
things you do for family.
When she started, getting
sick….she had hepatitis C, she was a diabetic, and she had lupus. I am
grateful to God that at the time of her death all her children where at
peace with her. She had a tendency to be mad at one of us all the time but
this time, no one was in the “dog house”. I am glad about that.
As I look back on her life
and how the lack of communication on her parent’s behalf caused her a lot
of resentment in her. She was not aware of the reasoning of things that
had happened in her life until after her mother passed away. Many things
were revealed to her and I believe that if these “secrets” were not kept
from her, that things might have been different for her too. I am not in
any ways blaming my grandparents for their decisions, they believed that
they were doing the best thing for her, but in turn, it just made things
This situation has influenced
me not to hide things from my son, to be open with him in what is going on
with me. I am always very honest with him with the things that he asks me
when he wants to know something. I keep it simple because he is still
young, but give him enough to satisfy his question and his understanding
of the situation.
I learned from my mom that we
all have masks and we should not walk around with the masks and allow
people to see the real us. It is not easy to do but I am trying to do this
more and more every day. My mom was famous for not revealing all of
herself or thoughts to one person. As I look back now and know what I know
now, I see that I have followed that same pattern. I believe that is true
of those that have been abused in some manner, because you do not feel
that you can trust someone with all of your heart and thought, that one
person cannot know all of you.
My mother and I have had
similar issues in life and I am my mother’s daughter in more ways than I
care to admit to. I am thankful to God for my mother despite all the
obstacles that have been presented in my life. See, as a mother now, I
know that I will make mistakes, and I know that some how I am not going to
do something right. I just know that because of my mom, I want to be the
kind of mother who is there for my son no matter what. I want to be the
one that he turns to for help and for him to know that I am there for him.
I want to teach him to be independent and stand strong, and yet it is okay
to cry when the pain hurts. I truly thank my mom for that.
- March 23, 1948 to November 16, 2005
here before you, our hearts are sad and glad. Wednesday night was one of
the hardest days of our lives. We had to say goodbye to our biggest
supporter. She was our hero, our strength, our biggest and loudest
cheerleader. Growing up we used to think our friends were weird because
they thought our mom was cool. As we look back now, she was.
She was so
cool, we were disciplined and grounded. She was so cool, we were chastised
and reprimanded. She was so cool, we were made to share and be nice to our
siblings. She was so cool, we had to write sentences and stand in the
corner. She was so cool, she sent my sisters to “interrupt” my dates. She
was so cool; we had to go to Sunday school. She was so cool; we could not
stay up late.
She was so
cool; we are not addicted to drugs. She was so cool, we are not in jail.
She was so cool, we are strong and independent. She was so cool, we are
polite and respectful. She was so cool; we will fight the world for each
other. She was so cool; we can take care of ourselves and each other. She
was so cool; we help who ever is in need. She is so cool; we were taught
that our family is always important.
she was so cool, we can stand before the world with our heads held high,
even when our hearts are hurting, knowing that our love for her and her
love for us made us who we are today. Our mom will be missed by us, but
because of her coolness, we are proud and glad to have had her as our
Published by: Alissa Lynne – Verona, PA
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Copyright © 2007 Alissa Lynne – Purple Butterfly of Christ - All rights
First Edition, 2007
Published in the United States of America