I felt that God
wanted me to write this book. He is my inspiration and I hope you
will find God to be your inspiration as you read this book so that
you can put your faith in Him. This book is based on my experience
that I hope will help you feel comforted. Miscarriage and losing
your baby is a saddening, shocking and confusing experience.
I grew up being a
Christian and was raised in church all twenty-eight years of my
life. Now I have had other personal challenges, such as divorced
parents, and a sleep disorder. God helped me through those parts of
my life, but going through this challenge and tragedy has been huge
and even tougher! If it weren’t for God in my life, the pain of
losing my baby would be so much greater. I thank God every day for
my blessings and I hope you will find yourself doing that, too. I
also want to thank my loved ones and my church family for your
prayers and support. You also have helped bring peace and healing
though your prayers.
I hope this book finds
you feeling encouraged and ease your pain of your loss. I pray that
your experience touches your life the same way it did mine and will
help you lean on God more than you did before. May God direct your
path and lead you to peace.
My husband I totally
planned our pregnancy, I got pregnant right away in August 2006 and
my ultrasounds were exciting. I found out I was pregnant a week
after my husband’s birthday, which made it special. He wanted to
tell our family right away and I wanted to wait awhile; we did end
up telling them in September.
I prayed sometimes for
our baby. My husband prayed for me and the baby all the time. I was
happy about having a summer baby due in May since I’m a substitute
teacher. I knew I wanted to stay at home and it would be perfect
timing. I had a relationship with God and felt it had been
strengthened in the past, but I had no idea what he had in store for
me. I went through the first trimester, no problems. We got to hear
the baby’s heartbeat and I was so excited and ecstatic about it I
wrote a letter to my baby. (I’m crying and feel such sadness as I
think back about how excited I was.) At 14 weeks pregnant, my
husband and I were relieved to know we got past the riskier part,
being the first trimester usually is most likely to miscarry.
The week of Thanksgiving
I was going for my regular checkup and brought my mom along with me.
We were going to go shopping for maternity clothes after the
appointment. Well, this ended up, unknowingly, as being the worst
day of my life ever. As the doctor was searching for the heartbeat,
he said, “Oh dear.” My mom started to look very worried. He had us
move to a better, more expensive ultrasound since he had trouble
finding the heartbeat. I started to get worried.
Well, he checked again
and heard the biggest shock of my life that the baby died and saw my
poor baby on the ultrasound curled up with its head down no longer
alive (an image I will never forget). My husband was there as quick
as he could. I couldn’t even tell him, I had my mom call him. We
were brokenhearted and devastated. The week of Thanksgiving! Like I
said I’m a teacher, and what a way to spend time off - coping with
the loss of my baby! I had a D and C the day before Thanksgiving; we
figured that was best. Of course, the holidays had been completely
different now. I thought I’d get to know the baby’s gender right
before Christmas and now would be grieving over our precious little
one no longer with us.
I’m usually an optimistic
person, so knowing we could try again and not having trouble
conceiving wasn’t an issue, I knew we could try again. This helped
ease the pain for me. We would wait the recommended time- three
months. This gave me hope.
February came. Like we’d
thought, I found out I was pregnant in March and the baby was due in
November. Even though I had a miscarriage, my first appointment
wasn’t even until May. I said, “Why so late? I want to be seen
sooner since I had a miscarriage before.” Well I did get an earlier
appointment, so I was happy. Since I had to be at work to help with
STAR testing, the appointment had to be rescheduled so I wasn’t
going to be seen until eleven weeks for my first appointment. This
was past the first baby’s due date. This seemed so unfair. I had a
difficult time with this and was angry with how the doctor’s office
had been treating me.
My appointment had finally arrived and of course I asked my husband
to come with me. I couldn’t go alone after what happened in the
past. I didn’t like the nurse practitioner. I sensed something
wasn’t right as she was looking at the ultrasound machine. She
pretended to act like she knew what she was doing and brought in
another doctor (my regular doctor wasn’t around that day). They sent
us to another location where they have better ultrasound
machines. Nobody would tell us anything, but I already feared and
guessed the worst as they took tons of photos of the fetus . The
practitioner told me what I already figured, “ They couldn’t find
the heartbeat.” Well what was that supposed to mean? The following
Monday, yes we had to go through the weekend not knowing what on
earth was going on, it was confirmed by the doctor that there was no
fetal pole. Again it wasn’t meant to be. This was even worse, too. I
tried to wait it out and miscarry naturally, but I had such horrible
cramps the following weekend that I ended up in the emergency
room where I had a small D and C. This time I was awake for it. Not
the most pleasant thing but I knew I would feel better than I did
with the severe cramping.
So with all that said, my
story hasn’t actually sounded very sweet of all things, has it? But
you and I know God hasn’t finished this story yet. This is the part
of it though that I know he wants me to share with you. One day
(after the first miscarriage), I was just doing my own thing,
sitting and watching television when a voice said “Write a book.” I
was thinking hey that’s a good idea. Well, that became my 2007
resolution! I pray that you don’t have repeated miscarriages but
that’s what happened to me. It’s been pretty tough, and I’ll tell
you God has healed me but my babies are definitely not forgotten. I
think about them all the time especially since the first boy’s due
date (we found out it was a boy from chromosomal testing).
I will tell you and warn
you that seeing other pregnant women and newborn babies are tough. I
feel like I saw a ghost a couple weeks ago knowing that that baby is
around the same age as my first. Nobody will know how you feel
unless they have gone through it and it’s not fun. I don’t wish it
on anyone. I have read some books about dealing with miscarriage but
it still hurts. The hurts don’t go away, but God will help lessen
it. He will give you peace and I feel he has somewhat given me that
along with a closer relationship to Him. The experience will help
someone else , as I ended up reaching out to someone else at my
church who had an early miscarriage.
The afternoon that Rich and
I found out we lost our baby, I told Rich, “This is our valley.”
I actually slept the first night our hearts were filled with
this heartbreak of losing our precious baby.
I tend to wake up
throughout the night just for a few brief seconds and always go
back to sleep. Well, I did that that night. And during those
seconds, only one name came in my mind. This is not a name Rich
and I even discussed nor that I hear of often. The name was
Dalton. I thought to myself, “I like that name.” But when I told
my mom about that, I also think, that’s not a name I would think
I believe it wasn’t
me that thought of the name that night. Ironically, that name
means “valley town”. Our pastor often talks about our lives have
their hills and valleys. I truly believe God or an angel wanted
us to name our angel baby “Dalton.”
Prayer is important. Even
if you have never prayed before, pray with someone or by
yourself. God is always listening. Following are some Bible verses
you can turn that continue to guide and comfort me:
Bible Verses for Guidance
(From New Living Translation Bible)
Psalms 10:14 But you do see the
trouble and grief they cause. The helpless put their trust in you.
Proverbs 10:1 A wise child
brings joy to his father; a foolish child brings grief to a mother.
Proverbs 14:13 Laughter can
conceal a heavy heart; when the laughter ends, the grief remains.
Ecclesiastes 1:18 For the
greater my wisdom, the greater my grief. To increase knowledge only
Lamentations 3:32 Though he
brings grief, he also shows compassion according to the greatness of
his unfailing love.
John 16:20 Truly, you will weep
and mourn over what is going to happen to me, but the world will
rejoice. You will grieve, but your grief will suddenly turn to
wonderful joy when you see me again.
1 Peter 1:6 So be truly glad!
There is wonderful joy ahead, even though it is necessary for you to
endure many trials for awhile.
Job 35: 9-10 The oppressed cry
out beneath the wrongs that are done to them. They groan beneath the
power of the mighty. Yet they don’t ask, “Where is my God the
Creator, the one who gives us songs in the night?”
Isaiah 40:10-11 See, he
brings his reward with him as he comes. He will feed his flock like
a shepherd. He will carry the lambs in his arms, holding them close
to his heart. He will gently lead the mother sheep with their young.
Isaiah 40:31 But those who wait
on the Lord will find new strength. They will fly high on wings like
eagles. They will run and not grow weary. They will walk and not
Matthew 5:4 God blesses those who mourn, for they will be comforted.
2 Corinthians 1:3, 6, and 7 All praise to God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ. He is the
source of every mercy and the God who comforts us. He comforts us in
all our troubles so that we can comfort others. When others are
troubles, we will be able to give them the same comfort God gives
us. So when we are weighed down with troubles, it is for your
benefit and salvation! For when God comforts us, it is so that we,
in turn, can be an encouragement to you. Then you can patiently
endure the same things we suffer.
Isaiah 53:5 But he was wounded
and crushed for our sins. He was beaten that we might have peace. He
was whipped and we were healed!
Romans 5:1 Therefore, since we
have been made right in God’s sight by faith, we have peace with God
because of what Jesus Christ our Lord has done for us.
Galatians 5:22 But when the
Holy Spirit controls our lives, he will produce this kind of fruit
in us: love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,
gentleness and self-control.
Philippians 4:6-7 Don’t worry
about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you
need, and thank him for all he has done. If you do this, you will
experience God’s peace, which is far more wonderful than the human
mind can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as
you live in Christ Jesus.
Proverbs 3:5 Trust in the Lord
with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding. Seek
his will in all you do, and he will direct your paths.
John 14:27 “I am leaving you
with a gift-peace of mind and heart. And the peace I give isn’t like
the peace the world gives. So don’t be troubled or afraid.”
About the Author
Joanne Hintz currently lives in
Sacramento, California with her husband. She is a fully credentialed
substitute teacher who hopes to have her own class someday and also
teaches children piano. She also hopes to have two more children
(here on earth though)!