Guilty Bystander

A Note to the Guilty Bystander

Guilty Bystander Counseling
Incest Guilt by Association Lesson

Ever had someone confide in you that they were being abused? Maybe they didn't use the word abuse, but you knew what they were trying to tell you. Maybe they didn't come to you at all, but you suspect something horrible is happening. Something just doesn't seem right with them.

What's stopping you from helping them?

Abuse happens everyday. At Least four children die a day from abuse. Statistics can show outrageous numbers of how many are abused, how they are abused, who it was from, etc. But in reality, the statistics only show ⅓ of it all. Too many times, people see it happening and don't call. Too many times people suspect something, and they don't ask. Too many times people see the evidence and the proof, but turn away. There are even times that a victim has told people (friends, teachers, etc) in hopes of finding help ... And the person doesn't do anything. They sit back, might give them a hug or a shoulder to cry on here and there ... But doesn't do anything to stop it.

For those that know the deep dark secret of a child and refuse to do anything:

How dare you know something is going on and look the other way. The nerve to say "There is nothing I can do." There is a lot you can do. Just by speaking up. By helping the victim get out of the abuse. By helping that fearful child by being their voice.

Speak Up

You are now in fault and allowing the abuse to happen. You and the abuser have become a team. Working together against the child by keeping them in silence.

One of the most horrifying effects of child abuse is the tendency to repeat itself. One of every 3 abused victims becomes an abuser. So by allowing your fear or apathy to keep you silent, is allowing not just one child to be abused and killed in their silent cries, but to allow the abuse to possibly continue the another generation as well.

But you don't want to interfere in someone else's life? You don't think you are involved in this? The moment you found out or suspected the abuse, you became involved. There is no way around it. Just because you close your eyes and ears and pretend it isn't happening, doesn't make it go away. Often times, when we close our eyes or look away, the situation has the potential to become worse.

You don't believe that speaking up and reporting the abuse will do any good? Better safe than sorry. That one time you chose NOT to call, usually results in some of the most severe cases. That child will continued to be touched, raped, hurt, and shamed because you didn't think you could help. Even if you suspect something, please report it.

You don't want to report it because you don't want to break up that family? Yeah, you're right. Leaving that family with a scared, raped, self harming, soon to be (if not already) suicidal child is a lot better than helping that family get the help they need. No. I just pray the child stays alive long enough for everything to magically disappear.

If you are a parent and you know your child is being molested, the longer you wait, the closer they get to death. Children do not suffer through abuse without the effects that it causes on the heart and body. It will affect every aspect of their life. Knowing they can't trust anyone and thinking every person is just like their abuser. How dare you allow a child to live through life (if they chose not to kill themselves) with those thoughts tucked away in their heart because you decided not to help. You have become just one more person they will never be able to trust. If you can live with yourself knowing that you are risking the life of your child, then so be it. You will reap what you sow. God promises that.

Guilty Bystander Warning
Incest Guilt by Association Danger

For those that know the secrets, have heard the silent screams, and truly want to help: If you have someone tell you something that is either abuse or suspected abuse, first stay calm. If they see you freak out, then they won't know how to react and might withhold information.

Believe Them

When they finally work up the courage to come to someone and tell them, (no matter how much or little information they share), it will absolutely destroy them if you doubt what they are sharing. In response to your doubts, they might not decide to tell anyone else and just suffer through the abuse until they decide to end their life. Please don't let it get to that point.

Don't interrogate them or ask them leading questions. Just let them talk. You might take notes after they leave while the information is still fresh in your mind so you don't misquote anything they say when you report the abuse to HELP them. Taking notes in front them in most cases causes them to clam up and not want to speak. They wonder what you may be writing or they get tense when they see their words on paper. You want them to be able to speak as freely (and as much) as possible. When you are short on words, let your actions speak. Listen intently and be there for them. They need you and they trust you.

Reassure them they did nothing wrong. Let them know you are going to help them and that whatever happens is to help the abuse stop. Let them know you support and believe them.

Remember, being a shoulder to cry on or ear to listen to is not enough for them. They may think that's all they need, but you know better. They need to get out of the situation before it causes lifetime effects on them. Whether you are promised to secrecy or not, you know the way to keep them alive and safe is by reporting the abuse. They are counting on you to help them. Do the right thing lest you become the guilty bystander and are guilty by association.

Guilty Bystander Help
Incest Guilt By Association Prevention

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