MY SELF HARM STORY
SELF HARMERS AND SELF HARM STORIES
Welcome to our Christianity Oasis ... My Self Harm Story - Self Harmers and their thought provocative Self Harm stories. The My Self Harm Story message from Self Harmers will truly bring a smile to the lips and heart and shine the LIGHT of Truth upon your be-YOU-tiful Christian walk path.
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MY STORY
MY SELF HARM STORY SECRET
SELF HARMERS AND SELF HARM STORIES SHARED
It started with just smoking
cigarettes. No big deal, I
thought. I started smoking to
deal with some anger issues that I
had. At first, it was more
psychological for me ...
I THOUGHT smoking would make me feel
better. This soon
began a habit where whatever harmful coping strategies I
picked up would make me feel better. No matter how harmful
they were to me. It was a psychological game. My head
against my body. My heart against my head. I was constantly
battling myself ... All the time.
W hen
depression started to hit because
I couldn't deal with the
things and events in my life, things went
downhill.
After my parents' divorce, I had
been in and out of therapy already a
couple times, and nothing seemed to
help. Not
the pills they put me on, not the
talking to strangers, not the
talking to friends, not even NOT
talking about it helped.
I thought no one could
help me. I was so miserable.
That's when I tried cutting.
I didn't have friends who cut when I
started. It wasn't a popular trend
at the time. I saw it on movies
here and there and apparently
without me knowing, it kind of
planted a seed in the back of my
head. When I got so depressed and
desperate for something to help me
feel better, I thought, maybe
cutting will work. I needed to try
something different. I still
remember seeing something that I
could use to cut, within my reach,
and that's how it all started.
I
only did it a couple of times. It
didn't work as quickly as I wanted.
But, when I started to feel
the pain, I soon understood why
people cut.
It
distracted my mind.
My
mind kept feeling the PHYSICAL pain
instead of the emotional pain.
Relief. At last.
But, what I thought was an answer to
my problems soon became a new
problem of it's own.
I began to discover that if a friend
noticed my wounds or scars, they
would ask me about it. It
would almost worry them.
Wow !!!
Someone cared about me.
MY SELF HARM STORY IS TRUE
SELF HARMERS AND SELF HARM STORIES TERROR
On the flip side ...
When
someone I cared
about
found out, they not only worried ...
They cried.
Sobbed in fact.
Not in front of me ... But when they
thought I wasn't around.
THAT put a different perspective on
it.
I never wanted to hurt anyone.
That was never my intent.
To get someone's attention, yes.
To make someone CRY?
To make someone feel like it was THEIR fault?
No.
Did that make me stop??
No ... It made me hide the marks when I
knew I would see her.
I had finally found something that
gave me some relief. I finally
found something that took away the
numb feeling. I finally found
something that didn't make me cry
all the time. As much as I loved certain
people in my life ,
I didn't want to give it up. I knew I wouldn't see
them every day and when I did, I could cover the marks.
No problem. They would never know again. And
it would make us all happy.
When a sibling of mine found out
what I did, he did it too. He
told me "I wanted to know what you
were going through. I wanted
to know what you felt."
Did that make me stop?
No.
I just had to
make sure he didn't know that I
still did it. Kind of the "fake it 'til you make it" thing.
With my new way of coping, it helped
me plaster the fake smile on so
everyone would think I was okay.
When people didn't think I was okay ...
I felt like a burden. I didn't want
to stress anyone out ... So I continued
to do it so I wouldn't be so on edge
all the time with my emotions, but
didn't allow anyone to know my
secret.
Was I selfish?
Of course ... But I didn't think about
that at the time ... And even if I did,
I wouldn't have cared. I
figured me staying alive is a lot
better than me taking my life.
And in my messed up head, my habits
helped me stay alive. I
never feared I could actually die
from what I did.
At times I would justify what I did
wasn't that bad ... Because I wasn't
doing it to KILL myself.I
already felt dead inside though.
I did
it so I wouldn't be so down around
people. So, I wouldn't be such
a burden to people. I was
helping others by hurting myself.
Yeah ... A lie that I believed.
MY SELF HARM STORY EXPLAINED
SELF HARMERS AND SELF HARM STORIES CURE
I didn't learn about the scars until
later. How long or short they
stay ...
I still vividly remember the stories
behind most of the scars I have/had.
I still
have scars from my first few times
of experimenting with cutting
SEVERAL years ago. I could look
at each one and remember where I
was, what I was feeling, what I
used, and how I felt after.
Some were longer than others ... I
usually felt angry when that
happened. Some were more frequent
instead of just one or two together ...
Those were when I felt numb. There
were times when I would even scratch
myself until I bled. Until I could
feel it. And yes, those scratches
left scars that I can still see.
I
would look at some marks and
remember that I placed them where I
knew certain people might see. I
looked at others and remembered
feeling so frustrated and so alone
but not wanting anyone to see I
cut. So, I hid them to where I
would only know.
There
were marks I made out of anger
because a friend of mine demeaned
how I felt and insulted me in the
career I was in. I cut myself in
hopes that she might see for herself
how she made me feel and how I
really felt, since she wasn't able
to fully understand my words.
Other
marks I would see and remember that
I didn't really have a reason for
making those. I was sitting on my
couch and the thought of doing it
consumed my mind SO MUCH that I just
wanted not to think about it
anymore. So, after several hours of
trying to distract myself with
things, I gave in and just did it.
Other
marks were made out of frustration.
In feared that I was not going to be
able to get control of my life and
be happy like everyone else.
I
notice yet even more marks that I
remember doing after an argument
with a friend. I was hurt yet I was
in the wrong and I knew it. I
needed to be punished.
So, I
did.
I
wanted to punish myself to a point
that I would never forget this. I
would learn from my mistakes and not
cause problems with friends that
didn't do anything wrong.
Yet
another few marks still remain from
the times of going out and waking up
in the morning with regret. So much
regret and so much shame that it
numbed me over.
After
several days of feeling numb, the
only thing to snap me out of it, was
cutting.
But
cutting, to un-numb myself from
those shameful nights, left marks
that CONTINUE to remind me of the
events of those nights.
MY SELF HARM STORY CAN HELP
SELF HARMERS AND SELF HARM STORIES CAN HEAL I
have a scar from the time I was told
by a "friend" that I was too
depressed to hang around.
I was unwanted.
Every mark I see on my body, has a
story.
One thing I didn't like with the
scarring ... Was when I was out of the
bad moment/day/week ... When I was
ready to move on with my life ... I
couldn't.
Why?
Because I was reminded EVERY time I
saw the scars.
FAST FORWARD A LITTLE BIT OF TIME ...
Without me realizing it, cutting had
become an addiction for me. I did
it when I was overwhelmed, numb,
lonely, angry, bored, ashamed,
frustrated, regretful, stressed,
needing punishment, wanting
attention ... Almost anything made me
think I needed to cut.
I thought about it TOO much.
One thing that started to encourage
me to stop, was a friend. I found a
friend that I could talk to, a
friend that would listen, a friend
that encouraged me.
But when trials came again ... Which
they always did ... I wanted to run
back to cutting.
I didn't want to deal with anything
head on.
When that ONE friend could not be
around ... I didn't know what else to
do. I depended too much on a
human to help. But, I didn't
know any other way.
When I came to the conclusion that I
needed to get rid of these chains of
addiction ...
I found a replacement.
A good replacement?
Of course not ...
But a replacement nonetheless.
I found alcohol.
I couldn't make it through the day
without doing some kind of harm to
myself.
When money started to get tight ... I
couldn't afford the alcohol.
And I found another way to run
without coping.
Pills.
Pills I had already had, or pills I
would take from others.
ANYTHING
I accidentally burned myself one
time ... And it gave more RELIEF to me
than pain??
What is wrong with me?!
MY SELF HARM STORY OF LOVE AND LOSS
SELF HARMERS AND SELF HARM STORIES UNIQUE PATH
I just needed some kind of buzz to
get me through the day. When I
didn't have any kind of help ... My
thoughts and imagination would run.
I would think about wanting to die
all the time, I would think about
what a horrible person I was, I
would think about how frustrated I
am that I live my life in fear. I
would relive horrible memories in my
past and walk around in shame ALL
THE TIME.
I couldn't stand myself or my life ...
Unless, I had a little help.
It was always something I could
count on. Friends are so wishy
washy. They can only be there
for you if they have time, and most
don't want to be around people that
are emo or depressed. I didn't
want to WORRY some of them that
honestly wanted to help ... So I ran to
something I knew would help.
I DID NOT HAVE HOPE.
I did not see myself ever becoming
worth anything. I did not see
myself ever becoming OKAY.
I felt I was a burden on everyone in
my life.
It was to a point where I had to
start taking something in the early
afternoon, and then at noon, and
then when I woke up. I started
to have to take more after a while
because I couldn't feel just one
pill, or one shot, or cut anymore.
When does it end?
My relationships are extremely short
and what VERY few I do or did have
were roller coaster rides. Of
course they were my fault. If
I see a trend in my life, it's not
that coincidental ... There has to be a
common ingredient.
And it was me.
I knew it was me.
So, I built walls, got heavier into
my addictions, and tried to stay
away from close friendships. I
desperately wanted a best friend,
but I was tired of losing people in
my life because they couldn't handle
my ways. So, I had friends
that never knew much about me.
I stayed at a distance.
People that got ANGRY at me for
doing what I did ... Just made me want
to do it even more. I couldn't
handle it. People that got
UPSET at me for doing what I did ...
Just made me want to do it even
more. People that didn't care ...
Made me want to do it even more.
I felt so lonely.
I felt so rejected by everyone.
I felt so unwanted.
I felt so unloved.
My life came to a point where I knew
something had to change. I
don't mean like the other times
before ... Where I knew I SHOULD
change but knew it was never going
to happen. My addictions were
taking over my life. I wasn't
happy unless I had some kind of
chemical in me or mark on my body.
I lost control of it.
We're a lot in
common.
I know how you
feel.
The only
difference ...
I FINALLY found
the way out.
MY SELF HARM STORY CONTINUES
SELF HARMERS AND SELF HARM STORIES SUMMARY But, that doesn't
change the fact I know and understand what you
feel.
I know how hard
it is to want to quit cutting but NOT want to
quit all at the same time.
The feeling of
relief and guilt because you did it ... At the
same time.
But ... There IS
still life ...
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